I had a bit of a breakdown today when I was talking to Alex. I finally said what's been churning around inside me out loud for the first time. It's the realization that life has to go on even when someone very close to me has her life hanging in the balance. I find a sort of solace in the mundane, day to day, stuff that has to be done. Like work, for example. But I also get really pissed off about the mundane day to day stuff like work. I'm finding it incredibly difficult to be empathetic to others when all I really want to do is scream my fool head off at the complete unfairness of it all. I understand that it's the "unknown" that's getting to me. Yes, my sister has cancer and it's incurable and she may not have that much time left or she may have many years left but no one seems to know or can't say. It's being left in that lurch that is tearing me apart.
I mean I know I have to go on and get things done and be responsible but the bigger part of me wants to say screw it and just do what I want to do. Life is short, I get it. I really didn't need the graphic illustration to get the point. So, sometimes I just have to stop and breathe. And cry. And get on with it all over again.
I guess we do what we can and that's the best we can do. Maybe part of me is feeling so off because I have always been something of the go-to person in my family. I'm the one they call when they need someone to do something for them. And I've always done it. But there is really nothing that can be done here so I feel left without a part in this play. It's like I've been stripped of something or maybe like I'm waiting to be stripped of something but I don't know yet what that is. I'm a bit afraid of the inevitable. But, there's nothing to do but go on.
So, it's soon the start of a new work week and I'll be there answering questions, solving problems for other people and being the picture of responsibility. But inside I'll be screaming. I know I will.
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