PhotoSHOCK...

There's nothing like seeing yourself in a photo that someone else has taken to shock you into the realization that YOU ARE FAT! Not that I needed the confirmation but today I saw a photo my niece had taken and WOW....my ass is enormous! Sorry to be so frank, but there are no other words that quite describe it.

My weight has long been a battle ground for me. A long time ago, I began packing on the pounds and no matter how many "diets" came and went the pounds repacked themselves again. Usually in the oddest places. I have an addictive personality. I know that about myself. Until recently, I was a smoker. I told myself that if I quit smoking I would gain weight. The irony is, I was already fat so not only was I engaging in even more unhealthy behavior I was completely delusional about it. I've since quit smoking and, I have to admit, there are times when I am bored and think I wish I had a cigarette OR a potato chip. I still chew nicotine gum once in a while just to keep my mouth busy. I'm slowly cutting that out and replacing it with sugar free gum.

It's honest to say that pretty much everyone in my family has a weight problem. My mother, lord love her, comes from the "clean your plate" generation. But she would also always point out that "you're eating too much". She is conflicted. Even now as adults we get her "someone eat that last piece of cake" lecture every weekend.

I have yet to find the magic combination of eating healthy and exercising that I KNOW will work. I try to keep healthy food in the house but I lack the motivation in the exercise department. I do it for a while and then stop and it takes me a while to get it back in gear. I have to get more disciplined about it and make it part of everyday.

I used to think I was ugly. I mean, seriously ugly...like "never show anyone a picture" ugly. I've gotten over that for the most part. Alexander has helped. He tells me I am beautiful and he's never lied to me so I am starting to believe him. He will never know how much he has done to heal a "little Polish girl's" scarred heart. But the weight thing is mine to deal with. I'm going to come up with a plan and stick to it. I like to write so maybe that will help. We'll see. For now, I'm keeping that photo my niece took. Maybe that side view of my wide load is exactly the inspiration I needed!