Monday, May 18, 2009

The green monster...

Last night I was hit smack in the heart by a big, hairy bout of jealousy. I hate to admit it, but I am a jealous type. I get so angry with myself when I start feeling the green monster rearing it's ugly head because I know that feeling comes from my own feelings of inadequacy. It's like driving a nail into the core of my own self doubt.

Alexander was telling me about a blog that he found interesting and gave me some of the details of what it was about. That was it! How stupid of me to just sink into the pit over that but I did. The thing is, I knew I was doing it too. I felt it come on instantly and my rational mind screamed "NO NO NO don't allow yourself to sink!" but my irrational heart said "You haven't written anything of merit in YEARS!!!" and therein lies the war within me.

It didn't help matters that the "interesting" blog was written by a woman. It didn't help that this woman is someone we have been playfully joking about for a while now. It didn't help that I feel I haven't written anything that Alex has found remotely interesting in the past two years - though that's not entirely true - it's just a useless feeling I have. So, yeah, I got jealous. And then I hated myself for it.

It was a rough night. I kept dreaming I was being eaten by a large icky bug and I couldn't get away. If that isn't a metaphor for my psyche I don't know what is! LOL Still and all, I guess this shows that I am human. I am someone who doesn't want to feel less than, or not at all - someone who wants/needs to be appreciated and told that I have worth. I think that's how we are, really. It's not enough for us to just know we are appreciated. We have to hear it too so that we never forget and will always strive to do more. It's the thing that keeps the green monster (and the icky bugs) at bay.

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