I was talking the other day to my friend Katie and we discovered that we have been leading almost parrallel lives. She is the youngest of 6 children in her family as am I. She has four sisters and one brother and so do I. Her brother is the second oldest and so is mine. She also was the only one home for a large portion of her life after her siblings moved out to work and get married. She lived at home with only her mother after her father passed away and that's exactly the way my life played out too. My siblings all grew up and got out and I stayed home with my mother while in high school and college when my father passed away. All of this talk led to a long discussion on birth order.
Birth order is something we take pretty seriously here at work where we use Bowen's Famiy Systems (http://www.genopro.com/genogram/family-systems-theory/) as a tool to work with our clients. There is definitely something to it when Katie and I started relating stories about growing up as the baby of the family. Certainly, there are stereotypes that go along with that. Everyone thinks the baby is the spoiled one, the coddled one, the one that can do no wrong. Perhaps that is partly true in the eyes of our parents. But in the eyes of our siblings we are seen as the one to be tolerated, the one who can't do anything right and the one whose opinion just doesn't matter all that much.
One conclusion Katie and I came to was this - no matter how old we get and what our birth order, we constantly slip right back into those roles we grew up with whenever we are together as a family. It's true! No one can make me cry like my big brother can! I love him to death but he has a way that of teasing me relentlessly that just gets to me every single time. It all starts out in fun but he just doesn't know when to quit. My sisters also have a way to get to me. They don't think I can cook. I have no idea where this idea comes from because I'm a damn good cook but everytime we get together and we each bring a dish to share they rant and rave about the fact that I have actually cooked something...even though I have done it every single time. Its like they think I am retarded or brain dead or something and are AMAZED that I was able to do anything at all.
Of course, falling into my role means that there are some family discussions that I just know to stay out of. Like politics, for instance. I tend to lean to the liberal side of things which pisses off the conservatives in the group so I just keep my mouth shut. Occasionally, I can't help myself. They'll say something so outrageous that I hear my words before my brain engages and tells me "NO NO STAY OUT OF IT!!" and then it's too late. No matter who was in disagreement before I spoke, I become the target of the shouting.
Still, I love them all and wouldn't trade my place in this family for anything. There are aspects to being the baby of the family that I really love and that makes all the difference.
2 comments:
my mother was the youngest of 13. I know exactly what you are talking about. until i was 14 and my father died they never thought i was legitimate and every family reunion they used to corner her in the kitchen and berate her for it. country people can be so mean with their ignorance. my mother was the most honorable one of the entire lot and the smartest. she said that they all hated my grandfather because he worked them like slaves but by the time she came along he had everything paid off and could take parenting time with her. god she loved that man. he taught her so much about honor and trust and standing by her word. my grandfather was the only one in the county during the depression to pay his taxes, that's just the kind of man he was. i believe in birth order too. it's just to much a part of family dynamics to ignore. even with only children like me.
have a good one. so far i'm having a pretty crappy birthday, but it's just as well the double 5's should just be ignored :) the boy did clean up the kitchen/laundry room and change the cat box for me though so it hasn't been all bad.
Thank you for sharing this Mary Beth. You are correct in that no matter how old we get, somethings remain the same. I know it's that way with my siblings.
You were also spot on regarding the value of learning to bite your tongue. It's just not worth it. Thanks again!
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