30 Letters in 30 Days...Day 29. the person you want to tell everything to, but are too afraid

Dear Mom,

There's so much I want to tell you but I know there is so much that you would either not understand or you would disapprove. So I never told you.

I want to tell you, first, that I know you always wanted the best for me and wanted me to be happy. I can honestly say, Mom, that I am happy. I want you to know that.

I want to tell you some of the crazy things I did while I was growing up and why I did them. Like, those times when I was experimenting with reacreational drugs. I know you'd be upset with me. I did it to fit in. I did it for fun. I thought I had to. And, you know what? I didn't really like it and that's why I stopped. I never did it to excess but I know, for you, even trying it once is excessive. I'm sorry, Mom, because I know you'd be disappointed in me. I never wanted to disappoint you. But I also want you to understand that what I went through then has made me who I am today. I know what to stay away from, to avoid and to run from because of some of the things I did back then. I hope you can understand how even the bad choices we make mold us into who we are.

I want to tell you about my job. I get pretty frustrated sometimes. The thing is, I love my job. I love that I work for a not-for-profit agency that really cares about people. I love working with people with mental illnesses. But I also feel trapped sometimes because I completely neglect my creative side most of the time. It starts to stifle me. I want to let you know that you were primarily responsible for me getting into this line of work. You taught me to care. And, you're also responsible for my creative side. You nurtured it and allowed me to express myself throughout my life. Thank you for that!

I want to tell you about my life...where I'm at right now. I want you to know that I deeply love Alex and know that he deeply loves me. I know you were worried about that because of our age difference but you can relax, Mom. It's the real deal!

And one last thing, I want to tell you that it's okay to go. I know you're suffering and struggling and, for some reason, hanging on when you know what awaits you is so much better. I'm okay, Mom. We all are. And it's okay for you to go if you want to. You raised me, and all of us, very well. We're going to be just fine.

Love you forever,
Moochie