Doing the right thing for me...

I have been in a holding pattern for a while now. Ever since my knee surgery...

I've lost some weight which has been good but since being back at home from the rehab and not getting daily physical therapy I've been slacking and falling back into old habits. But a few days ago I made a decision to get with the program and take charge of my life again. The thing is, I KNOW how to do this. I have done this before with success and each time I just let it all go to hell again. And each time I did I beat myself up over it. It's not good for my self esteem. It's never easy. It's never fun. But, on the other hand, it's not the worse thing in the world either. I mean, it's just a matter of watching what I eat and making better choices for myself.

I'm at an age where I will not eliminate the foods I love. I mean, I like certain snacks and certain ways some foods are prepared that aren't necessarily the best ways but I know I can have those once in a while and enjoy them and not go overboard and not hate myself for it. That last part is HUGE - the not hating myself part. You see, being overweight is not just about the pounds. It's not just about the actual flesh. There is so much emotion bound up in my weight that it's easy for me to use it to abuse myself and keep myself down. And that makes it very easy to give up because if I don't love myself, why bother, right?

The truth is, I do love myself. I love myself enough to want to change and be able to do the things I want to do with the rest of my life. As I get older, I know there will be limits but I want those limits to be natural and not forced on me due to something I can control. I feel a sense of determination. And hope. And I'm afraid. I don't want to fail.

Who does?