And so it goes...with a wince...

I live with chronic pain.

I have arthritis in my hands, upper and lower back, knees, and hips - all of which makes some days just plain sucky. Today is one of those days. Awhile back my doc tried to get me to take a prescription pain killer but I refused. The side effects to those things are killer. Literally. No, I try to get through the day with nothing more than a couple of Alleve or maybe an Ibruprofen. It doesn't always work. Today, it's not working.

When you're in pain people around you don't really understand how it affects you. I'm sitting here typing this on a break from work and all morning I've been trying to be pleasant and cooperative with my co-workers. But my instincts are telling me to crawl into a dark place and rest right now. I can't. The juxtaposition of "being pleasant" and "being strong" is also giving me a massive headache because it's hard to do. It's stressful. And talking about it to others doesn't seem to help because unless they have felt this way they cannot and do not understand.

I hate this pain. It's slowly sucking away at me inside. I want to do so much and it limits me every single day. I have a new puppy that I would love to take for a walk, just around the block, but I cannot. My knees and lower back make getting to the corner a chore and getting back is excruciating. As it is, I am almost to the point, where at 18 pounds I can barely lift him anymore. I still try but it hurts and then continues to hurt long into the night.

Chronic pain makes sleeping a hit or miss event as well. I will often wake up, having slept too long (how long is too long?) in one position and my body is aching but moving into a new position is so painful that it wakes me fully so falling back to sleep becomes a challenge. I am on-call sometimes up to three nights per week so I can't take anything to help me sleep or I'll miss the calls. So I am tired. Deeply, deeply tired. And being overtired means more pain. It is a never ending and vicious cycle.

But there is nothing else to do but to go on so I live with it. Day in, day out, in pain. I wish it was different. I do things to alleviate it - try to keep warm, keep moving, massage, whatever I can. I'm sure I'm not the only one and I'm sure I won't be the last. All I know is living in pain sucks...big time.

A look from the other side...

I honestly do not know how my dear husband or the people I work with can put up with me these days. And I have a whole new perspective on people who use narcotic pain killers.

As I have previously written, I've been going through a series of medical things all pertaining to constant stabbing pain in my right shoulder. It's been going on since the middle of summer and I've had an xray, an MRI and done phsycial therapy. I've taken Meloxicam - a mild pain reliever - which did nothing to alleviate any pain whatsoever - and now I've been prescribed Narco - which is essentially Tylenol with a buttload of codiene attached to it. It works but it puts me to sleep so I can only take it just before I go to bed. For the rest of the day I take regular Tylenol which makes no difference at all and, sometimes, the pain is so bad that I can only sit and hold back the tears at my desk. Needless to say, this enduring pain makes me a real bitch sometimes. It zaps my energy and makes me ubercranky and I am so tired of it all that I can't even really be apologetic about it.

I have worked with clients that have complained of chronic pain and some who have been addicted to pain meds and I can see the world through their eyes for the first time. The relief I get from the Narco is so great that I can see it's appeal and how easy it would be to simply take more to get that relief more often. Fortunately,  I do know how dangerous that is so I don't do it. I can also see why those clients who have chronic pain can be the more challenging folks to work with. Frankly, when you have this kind of pain, it's hard to concentrate or think of anything else. For me, there are nights when I am reduced to quietly sitting with ice on my shoulder and I can't even speak much because thinking my way through a conversation seems almost impossible. The pain distracts me from everything. Even now, as I'm writing this, I'm having to stop and start because of the constant stabbing pain.

Thankfully, for me, there may be an end in sight. I'm going to a specialist on Friday and, hopefully, he will give me a shot of cortisone to relieve this once and for all. I'm looking forward to being pain free once again because I'm sick and tired of feeling this way - sick and tired - all the time. Hurting is not fun! Pain affects every single thing I do, even just sitting and trying to relax. I'm over it! I need it gone NOW! But, once again, I think going through this has made me more aware of what some of the clients I work with go through. Maybe I'll have more empathy and be more effective at working with them. In the very least, I will be more understanding!