Normal isn't all it's cracked up to be!

A friend of mine, who's going through a particularly rough time right now, said to me just the other day, "I just want to be normal!"

I've been thinking a lot about that since then. What exactly does that mean? What is normal? I know what it means in her case. She wants to have a "normal" family, and a "normal" job, and a "normal" boyfriend, and a "normal" life. For her, "normal" is based on the idealized version of what life should be like. I don't know all that many people who actually get that. In fact, I don't know anyone who actually gets that.

We are all the product of our past, our families, our behavior, our education, our trauma and our happiness. All of it shapes us into who we are today. And even though there are those who, from the outside looking in, seem perfect in every way, we are all gloriously flawed.

Some flaws are minor, to be sure. Others leave deep wounds that take years to heal. Life, if you're living it right, leaves scars. That's how we learn and grow.

Normal is not the Norman Rockwell family eating dinner at the table where the Mom happily serves the Sunday roast as Dad peers lovingly over his newspaper at the kids. I don't think that even really existed when Rockwell painted it. Sometimes dinner tables are loud, raucous places where people get a helping of bad feelings with their jello. Sometimes dinner tables are silent and cold where one person eats alone and wishing. Sometimes there's not even a table at all.

Normal comes to us when we realize we are the heart of the matter. At some point, in spite of what hurt, trauma, abandonment, rejection or smothering adoration we may have survived as children, we have to stand up for ourselves and create the life we need. Not the life we want because too often that life is unattainable - but the life we need.

When we can accept that our parents won't always be there for us in the way that we need them to be, When we can recognize that sometimes we are creating our own drama and if we just stepped back and saw it for what it was we could get rid of it once and for all, When we realize we can make decisions that are in our own best interest in spite of what other's might think of those decisions, then we have reached our "normal".  There's something to be said for taking a good look around sometimes and realizing that we may not be able to rely on our immediate family but we have a vast number of people who know and love us and our rooting for us every step of the way. That's called growing up and once that happens, the world becomes a much better place for us. Because we all have flaws and hurdles we must pass, we need to realize that this is what is normal for everyone!

In my family, I have been blessed with siblings that are closer than most. Yet, when we come together the natural birth order just takes place  and we all get right into our "spots" without a word. Even though we all have families of our own, we are not without skeletons in our closet. We have all been through losses, traumas, break ups, sorrows and survived. We have all had to define ourselves in this world and rely on each other to accept who we are. In that way I know I am lucky.

But I also know that I have people, unrelated to me, that I can always rely upon for support. My friend does too but she cannot see it for what it is. She feels alone. She feels abandoned. Yet, she is not. I wish I could open her eyes to that. Instead she is reverting back to relying on someone who time and again has disappointed her because she so desperately wants a "normal" life. She will be disappointed again and it will devastate her all over again too. I wish I could convince her to stand up, on her own two feet, and see her life for what it is - totally and completely normal!

Normal is as we each define it. It's how we choose to live it. My normal cannot compare with yours because normal is so individualized. And that's why when someone is calling out that they wish they could just be "normal" I always tell them, YOU ARE! We all are!