And so it goes...with a wince...

I live with chronic pain.

I have arthritis in my hands, upper and lower back, knees, and hips - all of which makes some days just plain sucky. Today is one of those days. Awhile back my doc tried to get me to take a prescription pain killer but I refused. The side effects to those things are killer. Literally. No, I try to get through the day with nothing more than a couple of Alleve or maybe an Ibruprofen. It doesn't always work. Today, it's not working.

When you're in pain people around you don't really understand how it affects you. I'm sitting here typing this on a break from work and all morning I've been trying to be pleasant and cooperative with my co-workers. But my instincts are telling me to crawl into a dark place and rest right now. I can't. The juxtaposition of "being pleasant" and "being strong" is also giving me a massive headache because it's hard to do. It's stressful. And talking about it to others doesn't seem to help because unless they have felt this way they cannot and do not understand.

I hate this pain. It's slowly sucking away at me inside. I want to do so much and it limits me every single day. I have a new puppy that I would love to take for a walk, just around the block, but I cannot. My knees and lower back make getting to the corner a chore and getting back is excruciating. As it is, I am almost to the point, where at 18 pounds I can barely lift him anymore. I still try but it hurts and then continues to hurt long into the night.

Chronic pain makes sleeping a hit or miss event as well. I will often wake up, having slept too long (how long is too long?) in one position and my body is aching but moving into a new position is so painful that it wakes me fully so falling back to sleep becomes a challenge. I am on-call sometimes up to three nights per week so I can't take anything to help me sleep or I'll miss the calls. So I am tired. Deeply, deeply tired. And being overtired means more pain. It is a never ending and vicious cycle.

But there is nothing else to do but to go on so I live with it. Day in, day out, in pain. I wish it was different. I do things to alleviate it - try to keep warm, keep moving, massage, whatever I can. I'm sure I'm not the only one and I'm sure I won't be the last. All I know is living in pain sucks...big time.

Hi Ho Hi Ho To Surgery I Go...

So, the kind people at Comprehensive Orthopedics have x-rayed me and it is determined that the time has come. On February 9th, I will have my left knee replaced. For the last couple of weeks I have been in the most excruciating pain I have ever felt. The x-ray showed that not only do I not have any cartilage in my knees and they are bone on bone, the left side is actually bone overlapping bone causing a sharp knife stabbing burst of pain with the tiniest of movement and a constant throbbing ache. My right knee is holding it's own for now but will eventually have to be replaced as well. The doc gave me some Tramadol for pain and it worked for about the first day but now it does nothing.

I know I'm lucky to work in a place with health insurance but I will have to pay for 20% of the total cost of this procedure and the hospitalization even with the insurance. And because I live in a two story walk up that is tiny and not conducive to in home therapy I will be going to in-patient rehab for physical therapy for a few weeks. Again, insurance will pay but only 80% so this will cost me some dollars. To add insult to injury, I do not have enough paid sick time accrued to cover the lengthy recovery time and I only have four weeks of paid vacation times to use which is half of the shortest recovery time I have been quoted. I've applied for Family Medical Leave but that will be unpaid time. So, this is a real bummer. Physically, I feel like shit yet know I can't live without getting this done but financially - it's a blood sucker.

We'll be okay. We always are. Somehow, Alex and I will get through this and carry on and I'll be healthier and happier for it. He's been a ROCK throughout all of this - putting up with my whiney, crabby ass and taking such good care of me. Even making fun of me when it gets too serious. I love him for that.

So, I will be the proud owner of a new bionic knee very soon. I'm sure recovery will have it's pain but nothing can match with what I'm living with right now. Unbearable. Really.