Good friends never get old...

I spent the day yesterday with some folks that I went to college with. We get together once a year and though it's usually a core group of us that makes the date the actual group size varies from 4 to 10 depending on life schedules and flight schedules and whatnot.

We eat and drink and talk and laugh far too much.

These people are my tribe.

They knew me when I was young and full of myself and my self doubts. They helped me understand that I could be anything but I was also nothing. They listened when I had almost something to say and let me know, in no uncertain terms, when I was full of shit. Our time together molded us into the people we are today. And though our lives have all taken very different paths we can still come together and feel those same familiar feelings of deep love, respect and good natured kidding with one another. Nobody knows me like they do. Not even family.

And, man, do I love them all.

I found myself sitting back for a time watching them as they chatted and laughed together and thinking how damn lucky I am to have happened across their path at that exact right time in that exact right place. Those hugs we gave when we said good bye until next year were tight and hard and warm and sincere. The very best kind. And to say the words, I love you, to each one of them was so easy.

I miss them already - Scott, Patty, Andy, Becky, Rhonda, Kim - and those who could not make it this year - JC, Jim, Gary and Lee - I miss them all.

Good friends, good times, good laughs, good memories...never get old. Ever.

Sometimes it's just right...

So, there's much in my life I could gripe about...not sleeping well, stiff leg problems, not losing weight as fast as I would like, rain, etc...but I just can't bring myself to really care much about any of that today. Sure, I feel a bit tired from a crappy sleep schedule but for some reason I am in a really good mood. A strangely optimistic, weirdly positive, sunny mood. A coworker even told me to "shut up" today when I told her to look on the sunny side of life. Ha!

Truth is, I know how good I've got it. Alex and I went out for dinner this weekend. A luxury we can afford whenever we want to and our conversation was about the possibility of us buying a house. The fact that we are in a financial position to buy a house just goes to show that we are doing well and that is something to be very grateful for. We are not rich. Just working hard and being frugal and that makes all the difference. I have learned a lot from Alex about frugality. He is very good with money and has shown me that we can live well and have the things we want and still save money while doing it. We have no need to live extravagantly. We just live. And we are happy.

I appreciate the things we have but more importantly I appreciate the time we have together and the people in our lives. That's what makes me truly happy and makes me realize that all those little gripes just aren't worth the time or effort. Life's too short to be grumpy! I can't help myself today! I feel like Scrooge waking up and realizing he didn't miss Christmas after all! I wish I could share this feeling with all of you.

And so this is Christmas...

I'm usually very merry this time of year. My entire life Christmas has been my holiday. I've never understood those that just can't seem to get into the spirit of things and yet, here I am this year, feeling a wee bit down in the dumps. Sort of. It's really strange. Everything I do to get ready for the holidays reminds me of my mom. I miss her so much this time of year. And deep down I am feeling clingy and wanting to be desperately close to family. I will be with them all on Christmas Day but we won't really have our "traditional" Christmas until New Years Day which means my personal celebration feels very disjointed and lonely. And then again not.

Everything I do to get ready for the holidays also brings with it that same childlike feeling of anticipation that I always get this time of year. That feeling of knowing that the tree with shine so beautifully and the cookies with be so sweet and the cider will taste so warm and mellow and the music will be so soothing. Everyone will be nicer. I love that. And I do feel that...mixed in with the melancholy.

It dawned on me that I am the one in my family that will always be the loner. I have Alex and that is all. They all have their kids and grandkids (some of them) and they all get together to have their own traditions. Alex and I do what we can and we do love our little Christmas time together but it's not really the same. It's hard for me, someone who has always been in the middle of an enormous family, to get used to. I feel a little left behind. Last night I dreamt that Alex left too. I woke up in the middle of the night with tears in my eyes and had to find his hand for comfort. Silly, I know...but sometimes, especially at this overly sentimental time of year, the heart does silly things.

I know, in the end, I will have a good Christmas. It will be filled with light and love and all good things. But now, in preparation, the thoughts and memories rush in and sometimes they overwhelm me.

An early birthday present from a wonderful man...

This week was rough for me.  For reasons I won't go into here my immune system is low and I'm warding off anemia with iron supplements. The result of all this is I tend to get any and all coughs, colds or sniffles that I come into contact with. This week I was doing my best to fend off a heinous head cold. My ear was hurting and I was coughing a lot. My brain was in a stuffy fog and try as I might I finally succumbed and ended up staying home from work on Thursday.

Around midday I was trying yet again to get some sleep when I heard Alex come home from work. This is very unusual. I laid there for a while wondering what the heck he was doing. He was putzing around in the living room. I finally got up and this is what I saw.

Yep! That is a brand new iMac! He looks at me and says, "Happy Early Birthday!" Now, my birthday isn't until December so this was really early. And the iMac? Holy moly! I was speechless! This is the most beautiful computer I've ever used let alone owned! It's sleek, sexy and quiet. Makes absolutely no noise at all. I love this thing so much.

But more than that I love the wonderful man that is so thoughtful and full of surprises! I never in a million years would have guessed this was something he'd do. He's the best part of my life and I want the whole world to know it. I am lucky to have him. I'm keeping him!

Bip, Brig and Gig...a Love Story...

Before there was a Gig, there was a Brig. And before there was a Brig, there was just a Bip.

Bip hunkered down in the cage with the other kitties and tried to go to sleep. Eight months old, he was the senior of the kittens and he did not want to play with the others as they whined and mewed for attention. People gathered around to see them. It was Adoption Day at the pet store. Bip didn’t know what that really meant but he did know that lots of people came to the store and wanted to hold and pet all the kitties. He was over it and pushed his nose deeper into the corner of the cage with his back to the door.

A woman with a deep scratchy voice and long pokey fingernails was looking at Bip. She poked him his belly with one of her nails and rasped, “He’s a cute one.” She opened the door and reached in to get him. Bip squirmed uncomfortably as she pulled him from his sleep and grasped him to her chest which smelled like cigarettes and old coffee. She gruffly petted his head as he wriggled to get away. Bip did not like this woman and tried to get back to his comfy cage.

“Oh, not very friendly!” the woman said. She pushed him back into the cage and moved on. Bip curled back into a ball in the corner and pretended to be asleep.

After a while, the crowd started getting smaller. Many of the younger kitties were gone having been adopted into forever homes. Bip stretched a bit and then lay back down. Soon he was aware of another woman standing there. She had a soft voice and it didn’t poke when she reached in to gently pet him. She spoke softly as she rubbed that sweet spot right under his chin. Bip raised his head to get a good look at her. She was smiling and it made him feel warm to see her. She reached into the cage and carefully lifted him out.

“That’s a sweet boy!” She said, as she held him close to her chest.

Bip smushed his face under her chin and started to purr. This felt right to Bip. This felt good to Bip. This felt like forever to Bip. And it felt the same way to the kind woman too.

Bip carefully crept out of the cat carrier and stepped into the living room of his new forever home. The floor was carpeted and it felt good to dig his claws into it. The woman was there to show him where to eat and drink and there was a special place for when he had to go. Best of all, there were toys! Lots and lots of toys and the woman loved to sit on the floor and play with them as much as Bip did. The forever home had lots of new rooms to explore and it was fun pretending to be Inspector Bip and checking them all out. There were also big windows where Bip could sit and enjoy a breeze while making sure the neighborhood birds stayed safely in the trees. In the evening, the woman would sometimes relax on the couch and watch television. That was a good time for Bip to climb into her lap and sleep while she gently rubbed his head. Bip loved these snugs. He would always let her know how much he loved her by licking her face for a time or giving her a love bite on her hand. At night, even though there were three cat beds to choose from, for Bip, the best place to sleep was right on the woman’s pillow where he could snuggle up and put his big, round head on her shoulder. Together they would sleep and dream and Bip was almost sure the woman was dreaming about those cat toys too.

Sometimes, during the day, the woman would go away. At first, Bip was afraid because he didn’t know what would happen if she never came back! Sometimes, when he thought about that, he would be so scared that all he could do was go lay on her pillow and hope she wouldn’t forget about him. Her pillow smelled of her sweet hair and it always made him feel better. And before he knew it, she would be back. She never forgot him. When she came home she would sit on the floor and they would play and snug and purr. Then, while she waited for her own food to cook, she would feed Bip and it was always his favorite food.

After a while, the days when she was away, were not so scary but awfully lonely. The woman now was sometimes busy in the evenings talking to a man on the phone. Bip would do his best to get her attention but she would shoo him down and tell him “No!” when tried to get in the way. He’d go and lie down and wait. One day, the man came to visit. At first, Bip wasn’t sure if he was going to like him. After all, this man was taking up a lot of playtime and that made Bip mad. Bip was cautious about getting too close to the man but then something really fun happened! The man got down on the floor and started to play! The man liked to play! And he even created a new game where he would chase Bip into the kitchen and then Bip would chase him back into the living room again…and again…and again! Bip really liked the man! In the evening, when the man and woman were watching TV, Bip decided to climb onto the man’s lap.

“Oh I see how it is now!” said the woman with a smile.

The man rubbed that special sweet spot under Bip’s chin, causing him to purr and fall asleep. That night, Bip slept in the big bed with his head between the man and woman’s pillow. He put his head on the woman’s shoulder and wrapped his tail about the man’s neck. This felt like forever.

After a week, the man was gone again! The woman was sad so Bip made sure to give her extra snugs. He wasn’t sure when the man would be back again and pretty soon Bip and the woman were back into their old routines. And it was lonely all over again with the woman going away during the days. One day, when the woman came home she could see that Bip was a little bit sad. He wanted a friend. Someone he could play with when the woman was gone. He heard the woman telling the man about this when she talked to him on the phone. He wasn't able to understand everything about what she said but she got very happy when they talked and Bip understood that the man was coming back very soon! Bip flicked his tail and chased his feather toy around and around in celebration. That night he dreamed of running through the house with the man.

A week or so later, the woman was extra excited. She started cleaning and dusting and sweeping the whole place. Bip tried to help by supervising so she wouldn't miss a spot but the woman didn't want his help and kept shooing him out of the way. Then, one day, the man was back! He walked into the house and Bp did a little flip of excitement. He made sure to walk under the man's feet and rub, rub, rub against his legs to show him how happy he was to see him. The man was going to stay for a while so there was lots of play time ahead!

One day, while the man was still there, they took the cat carrier and left the house. Bip was relieved when they just took the carrier. Usually, when the woman brought out the cat carrier it meant Bip had to go to the doctor and he hated the doctor. Bip was used to the woman coming and going now so he wasn't scared when they were gone. He found a bit of sun on the carpet and stretched his body out as far as he could to feel the warmth. He wasn't sure how much time passed but suddenly the man and woman were back and there was something in the cat carrier. They put the carrier down in the kitchen and opened the door. Bip slowly walked to the carrier and sniffed around. Yes, there was definitely something in there and it smelled just like a kitty! Bip heard a soft "mew" and a tiny white and grey face emerged from the carrier. Her eyes were huge and she looked around, afraid, and not sure where she was. Bip walked up to her and gently licked her nose. It was his way of welcoming her to her new home. This was Brig and this was a friend! Bip showed Brig all of the toys and where to eat and the special place for when she had to go. He showed her the open window where she could watch the birds outside. Brig quickly took a place in the window and Bip didn't even mind that she took his favorite spot. Brig liked to play and it was great fun when the man or woman got on the floor and played. She was still a little shy so she didn't really try the running back and forth game. One game Brig showed Bip was hide and seek. Brig would hide somewhere in the house when Bip wasn't looking and then he would spend time hunting and searching for her. If he got close to her hiding spot, like when she would hide under the couch, she would sometimes suddenly reach out and swat him on the nose! That would start a chase around the room until they were both tired out. Bip would usually fall asleep first and Brig would go hide again. They loved this game and played it for hours! When the man and woman watched TV, Brig would stay close but not too close. She just wasn't sure about the people yet. But she was sure about Bip. They became best friends and Bip didn't even complain when Brig would boss him around sometimes. Because she was shy, she wouldn't sleep in the big bed with the people so, to make her feel more at home, Bip sometimes would curl up with her on the couch. Together they would make one big swirly circle of fur and that's how they would sleep, purring into each other's ears.

Eventually, the man had to leave again. Now the woman had a new way to talk to him while he was gone. There was a camera on her computer so she could actually see him while they talked. This was fun because he could see them too. Every time they talked Bip made sure he would climb up and be seen so the man would never forget him. Brig would stay back a little but she came close enough to be seen and, over time, she would inch closer and closer. Slowly she began trusting that this was her new family and this home was forever. Everything went like this for a long time. The woman would leave during the day and Brig and Bip would play or nap or watch birds together. There was no more lonely in the house.

But one day, Brig didn't want to play. She slept all day and wouldn't eat very much. The woman was worried and watched her closely. Brig started to find hiding places to sleep and the woman would have to look for her. And something else was wrong too. Brig wasn't using her back legs right. Something was wrong. The woman got the cat carrier and off they went. Bip knew she was going to see the doctor. He was worried too. He couldn't nap or watch birds now. All he could do was sit on the couch and wait for the woman to come back. When she finally came home, Brig wasn't with her. The woman told Bip that Brig was sick and the doctor wanted to keep her there for a night or two to find out why. He was giving her medicine to make her better. That night Bip and woman slept together in the big bed but neither one really slept much. They were too worried about Brig.

The next day the woman went to get Brig. The doctor told her that Brig had something called a stroke and it was serious but sometimes kitties had these things and got better. Bip hoped that was true. Brig was tired out when she got home but she was happy and even ate some food! She climbed onto the couch and Bip gave her a good warm snug all night long. The next morning when Bip woke up, Brig wasn't there! He searched the house and looked in all the rooms. The woman was still sleeping because it was too early. Bip was frantic! Where was Brig! Finally, he saw the tip of her tail. She was behind the bathroom door. Bip ran to her and kissed her nose. Silly Brig! Was she playing hide and seek? Bip jumped excitedly thinking this was a game. But Brig just sighed and didn't move. She was sick again. Bip ran to the bedroom and hopped on the woman. He pawed at her face to get her to wake up and he let out a scared squeak trying to tell her that something was very wrong. The woman reluctantly got up even though it was too early.

"Why are you waking me up?" she asked. "Well, now I'm awake. I might as well be up!"

She shuffled into the bathroom and there she saw poor Brig.

"Oh baby! Oh sweet Brig!" the woman cried out. She gently lifted Brig from the cold bathroom floor and brought her to a soft cat bed in the living room. Bip paced back and forth. He was so worried. Suddenly, Brig cried out and her back stiffened. Her front paws moved to one side in a way they had never done before. She looked at the woman with fright in her eyes. The woman immediately called the doctor and off she went with Brig leaving Bip to pace and worry about his dear friend.

A long time passed and finally the woman came home. Brig was not with her. The woman was crying. She gathered Bip up in her arms and held him close and quietly said, "There was nothing else they could do for her." And she cried some more. This felt sad to Bip. This felt empty to Bip. This felt like a hurt. And it felt that way to the woman too.

For a long time after that, it was just the woman and Bip together. The woman still talked to the man on the computer and Bip made sure he got to see him too. Talking to the man made the woman happy again and it helped Bip feel better too. The best day was when the woman shouted out, 'He's coming here for good!" and she twirled Bip around the room! The man was coming to live in the forever home too! Everything was getting happy again. Bip thought that Brig would have liked to live there when the man was there but he knew that sometimes friends have to go away and you have to never forget them. Sometimes Bip had happy dreams of playing hide and seek with  Brig. And everything was going to be all right.

When the man moved in there was something new that Bip discovered. It was a suit case! This was new and exciting! A suit case was something the man brought with him to carry clothes and other things in. But to Bip, a suit case was like an island with an inside and an outside. Sometimes you could climb inside and close it over you and peek out at the people in the room. It was fun to grab at their ankles with a paw when they walked past. They never saw it coming. Sometimes you could sit on top of the suitcase and watch everything happen around you. The suitcase sagged in just the right place so it was comfy and usually caused long naps. Eventually, the man had to put the suitcase away but it was fun while it lasted.

Bip didn't feel lonely with the man there because, at first, when the woman was gone during the day, the man stayed home. Bip could snug and play with the man all he wanted! But one day, the man went out too. Now both the people were gone during the day and Bip started to remember what lonely felt like again. Even though it was always fun when the people came home, it was also always long and boring when they were away. Sometimes it was so long and boring that Bip forgot to wake up to greet the people when they returned. The woman noticed that Bip seemed down. One night, he heard her talking to the man and heard his name said over and over again. He didn’t know what that meant.

The next day the people went out. They were gone a long time and when they came back Bip noticed that they had a new smell on them. They smelled like kitties! But there was no kitty in the carrier at all. How could this be? A few days passed and it happened again. The people went out and came back smelling like kitties! Bip sniffed and sniffed to make sure it was true and it was! But there was still no kitty in the carrier. Bip was confused but when he slept he had the most happy dreams of running and playing with a friend and sometimes even Brig was in his dreams.

Gig walked around the kitty shelter with her watery eyes and runny nose. Every time she came upon a food dish she would eat some of it just in case there wasn’t going to be food tomorrow. The shelter was warm, at least, and there were comfy beds if you were fast enough to get one. Some of the kitties had been here a long time. They eyed Gig suspiciously as she ambled through the shelter. She was skinny and they could see her ribs and her cold made her squinty and sneezy. During the day, the kind shelter lady would give Gig some medicine that made it easier for her to breathe. Gig was a scrapper though and she always gave the lady a hard time even though she knew it would make her feel better. People would come to the shelter every day. They would hold and pet the kitties and many of them would go off to their forever homes. Gig tried to stay away from the people. They were big and scary and usually they didn’t want to hold her anyway because she was so skinny and her nose was runny.

One day the man and the woman stopped in. They walked around looking at all the kitties. They told the shelter lady that they were looking for a friend for someone called Bip. Gig watched them closely as they made their way through the storefront shelter. There was something about this woman she liked. When the man and woman sat down on the couch, Gig bravely walked over and rubbed herself against the woman’s ankles.

“Oh, look at this poor thing!” the woman said as she gently picked Gig up and placed her on her lap. Gig didn’t like being scooped up like that so she quickly jumped down and started to walk away. Another kitty came over and rubbed against the woman’s ankles. Something didn’t feel right about that with Gig. She went back to the woman and pushed the other kitty out of the way.

“Well, she likes you,” said the man. “It would be nice if we could get one that liked me a little too!”

The man and woman did not take Gig to a forever home that day. They didn’t take any kitty home with them at all. Gig watched sadly as they left the shelter and drove away. She found an empty comfy bed and rolled into a tiny ball and feel asleep. A few days went by and more people came and went from the shelter. Gig, still coughing and sneezing, tried to stay away from them as best she could. She was eating from someone else’s bowl in the back room when she heard a familiar voice. It was her! The man and woman were back. Gig scurried into the main room and saw them sitting there petting a black kitty. She strolled over to the woman and rubbed against her ankles.

 

“Well, here’s that skinny grey fluff,” said the woman. The man reached down to pet Gig. The Gig did something that surprised even her! She jumped right up on the man’s lap and let him pet her. The woman looked at Gig with her snotty nose and runny eyes and skinny ribs showing through her fur.

“This scrappy girl needs some love,” said the woman.

“I don’t know,” said the man, “I’m just not sure if this is the right one.”

“Ah, c’mon,” said the woman, “Look at her. She needs us!”

The man looked at Gig’s little face and realized the woman was right. This little kitty needed a forever home.

When the man and woman came home, Bip could smell the kitties on them again. But there was something more. The man was carrying the cat carrier and there was definitely someone moving around inside! Bip thought it might be Brig! But it didn’t smell like Brig. The man put the carrier on the kitchen floor and opened the door. Slowly a skinny grey scrappy thing with runny eyes and sneezy nose crept out into the room. Bip wanted to show her all the toys and where to eat and the special place for when she needed to go but all Gig wanted to do was find a comfy place to sleep. This had been a big day for a sick little kitty. She was happy, in spite of her cold, and knew that she had finally found her forever home.

 

Bip stayed close by while she slept. After all, she might wake up during the night and want to play. He laid down next to her comfy bed to keep watch but after a awhile he couldn’t keep his eyes open anymore. He fell asleep next to Gig dreaming of teaching her all the best games. In the morning, Bip opened his eyes and Gig was gone! Bip searched the house for her. He looked where the food was and where the toys were. He even looked at the special place for when you needed to go. He even looked behind the bathroom door and was very relieved that she wasn’t there. He went into the bedroom where the people were sleeping. He jumped up on the bed and there she was! Gig was curled up in a ball on the man’s chest – sound asleep. The movement of Bip pouncing on the bed woke the people up.

“Look at this,” said the man with a smile as he gently rubbed Gig’s soft grey fur.

“I guess she likes you best!” said the woman.

Bip purred into the woman’s ear and they all four snugged in the big comfy bed. This felt right to Bip. This felt like family to Bip. This felt a lot like love to Bip. And it felt that way to the rest of them too.

For the love of a good dog...

Growing up I always had a dog. When I was very little, our family dog was a terrier mash up called Do-Do. He was thusly named because the first day we got him, as a puppy, my Mom gave him a bowl of milk and he started to back up all over the kitchen until he stumbled backwards into the bowl and pooped right in the milk. My Mom said, "What a do-do!" and the name stuck. Do-Do was my buddy. We grew up together. He was also an escape artist. Given an inch of open door, he would take off like a bat out of hell and be gone all day. He always returned but not before he found something completely vile to roll around in. His pride in his own stink was awesome. As was the defeat of the inevitable bath that was awaiting him. Occasionally, Do-Do would get caught by the Animal Control officer. Actually, more than occasionally. He would get caught so much the officer knew where he lived and started to just bring him home rather than take him to the Humane Society. My Dad appreciated not having to pay the fine for having a loose dog. Do-Do lived a long time. Long enough to move into our new house in 1970 and learned the lay out of a whole new neighborhood. Though he was far from the beloved, horrid smells of rotting alewives at Lake Michigan he found a whole new set of disgusting smells to roll around in at Lincoln Park. I swear that dog had more baths in his lifetime! He lived to an old ripe age and was loved every minute of it. When he was gone, my Mom avowed to never have another dog again. And we didn't until I was in college.

I got a call from my sister. She brought home a dog thinking her husband would be thrilled. He wasn't and now she had to get rid of it. I was house sitting for another sister so she brought it over to me for the time being. The time being meant long enough for me to fall in love with this ugly looking mutt she brought in. His named was Dudley. I called my Mom to beg her to let me keep him. She was dead set against it but my dear Dad intervened and talked her into it so Dudley came home to stay. He also became one of the most important characters in my life. I took him everywhere. He slept in my bed, ate off my plate, sat on my lap and just stayed at my side. He was another terrier mix, like Do-Do but he was no escape artist. If he got out alone he took his own sweet time stopping to smell the roses. He could be gone an hour before we'd notice and when we'd look outside he wouldn't even had made it to the gate. He loved taking it all in. He was so sweet that way. Dudley was often the only one I could tell my deepest secrets too. When my Dad passed away, Dudley's fur bore the brunt of my tears. Sometimes he would just lie next to me and gently place a paw on my cheek as if to tell me it was all going to be alright. My Mom professed her hatred for this dog but every morning she'd be in the kitchen making Dudley a piece of toast with butter and cheese and she'd always insist that I mix the extra gravy or green beans into his food. When I moved to Chicago, Dudley stayed behind. I wasn't allowed to have a dog where I lived. Dudley and mom were together at home for a long time. Finally, Dudley got old and infirmed and my sister had him put down. I still have his collar and tags and I'll always keep them.

Now, I have cats. I love them just as much as I have loved any of my pets but I have to admit there are marked differences. I want a dog and I wish I could get one but once again I am in a place where the landlord won't allow it. One day though, I know I will have another dog. I just can't see life without it. And, frankly, I don't understand people who don't like dogs! How can you not like a dog?

Ups and Downs...

Today is National Down Syndrome Day.

I started my career in human services as a "teaching parent" which is a title unique to the agency I work for. We are a national trainer for a technique called the Teaching Family Model which is a very effective way to teach life and communication skills to people who lack them. As a "teaching parent", I was hired to work with adults with developmental disabilities in their own home and assist them on a daily basis to learn the skills they needed to get by day to day. Because of the severity of their developmental delays, these guys needed 24 supervision and care but there was much they could and did learn to do for themselves. This first job gave me a solid understanding of Down Syndrome and the nature of that disorder.

Down Syndrome is a disorder from birth that has overall the same characteristics for everyone who has it. Though the degree of their retardation may vary they share some physical attributes that make Down Syndrome easily identifiable. Usually, their heads are slightly smaller. They may have shorter fingers and stunted feet. Their tongues may be larger than the inside of their mouths which causes them to sometimes protrude slightly and can make clear speech difficult. They generally have almost or slanted eyes which, in less enlightened days, caused them to be called "mongoloid" at one time. Also in those days, women who gave birth to a "mongoloid" baby were told that their life expectancy was almost none existent and that, if they were to live, they would never be able to learn anything at all. Most doctors at that time suggested life long institutionalization from birth and, sadly, that's exactly what many families did.

But there are other characteristics that are shared by people with Down Syndrome that they didn't realize then yet I have experienced first hand through my career. People with Down Syndrome have, overwhelmingly, an enormous capacity for life. They enjoy themselves wholeheartedly in almost every aspect of their lives. If they work, they work hard and love every minute of it. They make dear friends and care about them deeply. They have favorite bands and music and TV shows and foods and clothes and books and actors and...you know what? They are a lot like everyone else. There is one aspect in which people with Down Syndrome are very different. In my experience, people with Downs have the largest capacity for love that I have ever seen. I have gotten the most sincere hugs and pats on the back from people with Down Syndrome. When they love you, they really love you! And they will let you know it. Somehow, knowing that someone is out there that cares that much about you, shows you every time how much they really like you and always want to be around you makes you feel pretty darn good about yourself. Like a rock star!

A few years into my career I changed jobs and was now working in case management as the "relocation specialist". This meant that I was given the task of going into the local institution to see who was left behind and to make plans to move them into less restrictive, more integrated community settings. Years before a major push for inclusion had cleared the institutes of most of the people with Down Syndrome. Because, you see, they have the ability to learn and easily moved into group homes and supported apartments throughout Wisconsin. They did not have the "death sentence" those doctors predicted long ago. In fact, they were living longer than anyone had imagined. At Southern WI Center, the nearest institution to where I live, there was then mostly highly behavioral individuals who would require multi-staffed homes and specialized programs in the community. But I also found a small, birdlike woman with Downs. She was wheelchair bound, unable to speak, profoundly retarded. She had been left there as an infant and was now in her mid-50s. She had long outlived any one's expectations. I was given the task of assessing her to find a group home placement in the community that could meet her special needs. As I looked into her very extensive file at the center I discovered that she was the sister of friend of mine. Amazingly, she had been placed there so long ago that she now had siblings in the community who were completely unaware that she even existed. Her mother, who had the difficult decision to institutionalize her so many years before, had chosen to keep that secret from them and passed away before any of them knew. I found the ideal group home for this lovely little lady where she was well cared for and was able to go places she had been denied for her entire life. Best of all, i got to reunite her with family that were thrilled to meet her for the first time. They've made her an integral part of their lives and the love she feels, though she cannot speak it, is so clearly evident in the hugs and smiles she is able to give them.

People with Downs, with their love of life, laughter and people, are the some of the best people I have had the pleasure to meet. I feel honored to have worked with so many. They strive to do good all the time. They want to be the best at their jobs, the best friends, the best athletes, the best at what they love to do. They are brave individuals who can light up a room and make others feel so deeply loved. If you've never had the opportunity to meet someone with Down Syndrome I urge you to seek out a chance to volunteer at your local Special Olympics for one season. Just one. You will walk away a changed person. One with a whole new perspective on life and what's really important.

For the love of Arn...and baby Belle...

I have always loved animals and have been blessed to have some good ones in my life. Cats, dogs, fish, birds, and even a few bunnies have all been part of my life. For a long time, I went without having a pet at home. It took a lot of convincing to get my sister/landlord to agree to let me have a cat. Once she did, I went straight out and adopted one.

At Petco, every Saturday, Kindred Kitties has cats up for adoption. I went there just to see what they had. What they had were some of the cutest cats and kittens I'd ever seen. At first, I held a tiny tabby - just 9 weeks old - and thought this was the one I would get but then in the very last cage was a black and white tabby who was all curled up, sleeping, and trying to ignore everyone. There was a lady in front of me who spotted him first and tried to get him to come out to be held but he was not having it. It was clear he didn't want anything to do with her. That wasn't a good sign, I thought, because it looked like he was being stand offish and shy. I wanted a kitty that had some spunk but that was still a cuddler. After she moved on I went up the cage and reached it to pet him. Lo and behold, he got right up and came to me. I picked him up and he immediately snuggled up under my chin and started purring. That was it. Arnie was mine. I told the Kindred Kitties lady that I would be right back. I loaded up a cart with everything a cat might need or even want and then I went back for him. I filled out the paperwork and was dismayed to read the bottom stating that after they checked out my information I could take him home in a couple of days. Okay, I thought, if that's how it has to happen, oh well, it will happen. But when I gave the lady my paperwork and adoption fee she just handed him to me! I was taking him home that same day!

Arnie took a minute or two to get used to his new home. He was hesitant to come out of the carrier but once he did, he sniffed around  and made himself right at home. We played together on the floor and I showed him where his food and litter box were located. He seemed satisfied that this home would do! I showed him to Alex via Skype. I got him before Alex had moved to the US so this was how he got to know Arnie - via Skype. The first time Alex met him in person they were instant buddies. Still are!

The first night Arnie came home I went to bed only to find him sitting at my bedside looking at me for a while. I called his name and he jumped up on the bed and that's where he slept. He still sleeps on my bed sometimes though now he's older so he's not as scared to be out in the living room anymore.

Things have changed a lot for Arnie and me. First, another kitty named Brigitte came to live with us. But, sadly, she became very ill at a very young age and passed away. Arnie and Brigitte loved playing with each other and once she was gone he was a little lonely. Second, and best of all, Alex came to live with us! Arnie loves running around the house with Alex. Alex gets out the laser pointer and Arn goes a little crazy chasing it back and forth through the apartment. Then he rests. That's the thing about cats. They rush around like mad for a short time and then sleep it off for a few hours afterwards. Third, a skinny little fluff named Belle came to stay. She was all bones and runny nose when she arrived. Now she's a scrappy ball of grey who's stolen all of our hearts. She is definitely Alex's girl. And that's just fine because Arnie is all mine. Whenever I'm just sitting down to watch some TV, Arnie is there - ready for a long snuggle and some head rubbing. He looks at me in the eyes and we have long talks. Yes, I talk to my cat! Get over it! LOL We talk about everything though he mostly listens. He loves for me to hold him which is fine but he also has the annoying habit of trying to get me to hold him when I'm at my computer. It's difficult getting anything done with a 15 pound cat trying to snuggle under your chin! If I shoo him away he'll sneak around and come up behind me as if I can't see him doing it. We always have to make sure there is dry cat food in the dish at night because he gets hungry at about 3am. If it's empty he's on our pillows sniffing and purring into our ears to wake us up! Again, annoying and endearing at the same time.

Arnie and I have a copacetic relationship. He's the first one awake when I am awake and usually the last one that comes and says good night, in his own way. He has found a place in my heart that only someone who's ever had a pet can understand. There is a responsiblity to being a pet owner for sure but there is a desire to do right by him (and Belle) too. This little fur beast who's put so much trust in me and who gives me unconditional love. No matter what I do during the day, how crappy my day might be, or who I might piss off - Arnie is there to let me know that it will all be find in the end.

I'm sure that to those who've either never had a pet or who don't like cats, I look like a crazy cat lady. Maybe in another life I was or still could be. I don't think so though. Because it's not just any cat will do for me. It's Belle  - the scrappy princess  - and my beloved Arn - my big headed boy - who make each day happier and full of love.

Happy Valentine's Day!

I'm not what you'd call an overly romantic type of person though I will admit I get a little  mushy at times. Mostly at watching Lifetime movies or Hallmark commercials. My husband isn't overly romantic either. We just aren't that way! In fact, last year we both forgot our anniversary and it was okay because we tell each other we love one another multiple times during each day. So, you see, singling out one day of the year just seems silly in light of the bigger picture of how much we truly care for each other.

Today, however, he blew my mind. I was at work and this is his usual day off. I was at my desk when Judy, our receptionist, came in and dropped a huge box of flowers off on my desk. Alex had sent me the most beautiful tulips and a box of candy! I was flabbergasted! Really. He's done this once before and it's such a great feeling to get such a nice surprise!

Funny thing is, that delivery started an avalanche of deliveries to our office. My office mate Tracy received an enormous bouquet from her fiance shortly after. Next my good friend Jamey received a huge bouquet at her desk. Pretty soon several more people were getting flowers delivered at work. All in all, it made us feel very special and very loved. I know it's just a token but there is something about getting a gift delivered when you never expected it to make you feel like a queen.

I love my husband and knowing he feels the same is the best feeling in the world. Tonight I'm taking him out to dinner. He gets to choose where. I think I already know that he's going to choose our usual place. It's not fancy. Not a place that you'd think someone would want to go on Valentine's Day but it's "our" place and he loves it there so that's where we'll be. It's a place we go all the time and the wait staff know us very well. It's comforting. Our local neighborhood place. A perfect place to celebrate this very usual love we have that I know will last a lifetime.

Happy Valentine's Day!

On being two...

I follow a blog called "Home and Away" which I started reading awhile ago because it's written by a woman who moved to live in Sweden with her Swedish husband. I was interested in her point of view because, as you know, that is my dream. The blog was interesting in that she always showed how her daily life was there and also shared her thoughts on the new things she was experiencing and learning. Then her blog changed dramatically when it was discovered that her husband was ill. She wrote less often but when she did, remarkably, she didn't focus on his illness and struggles but rather shared those amazing times when they would take on some great adventure. Because of this, it seemed quite sudden to read that her husband had passed away. For a long while, she wrote nothing. But now she's back writing again and this time she is sharing her adventures as someone who is still grieving and learning to live as a single person once again. All of this led me to start thinking about my life with Alex.

Alex is my second husband. My first, Mike, was a great guy but we had some huge differences in our thinking and long term wishes and, over time, it wore me out. I was the one who filed for divorce and I know that hurt him very much. That's something I'm not proud of - hurting someone that I care about to this day - but I know that I had to do what I had to do for my own sake. So, I have to live with the regret of hurting Mike but not with the regret of leaving my marriage. It was necessary.

Alex - who is going to kill me for putting this all out there Haha! - sees in me what I have always known was there and makes me feel very alive again. Before getting married the first time I was single for a long time. So I know what it is like on both sides of that fence. When the person you love is the right one, there is so much strength in the number 2. Two people can move mountains. Or just sit quietly and take it all in.

The strength I feel in being with Alex seems to have more to do with what I give than what I take. I like doing things for him. Simple things that would probably set feminism back a decade or two but it's true that I like making dinner as much as I like having dinner made for me. I think there are times when I worry more about his well being that it drives him crazy! Me: "Are you sure you don't want a sandwich or something?" Him: "NO!! For the last time, no, I'm fine!!" Me: "Okay, just making sure. Are you sure?" Him: "STOP!!!!" and so on and so forth.

I find the planning ahead we do refreshing. It makes me feel like we are making a future together. And Alex is frugal. Sometimes more than I would like but, at the end of the day, I have to admit he's almost always right when it comes to saving money. Yet, he's not cheap. We have times when we splurge on ourselves and have a great time and I know it's because he was frugal to begin with that we can do that!

Being two means there will be times when we fight. But we always get over it. Being two means there are times when we work together like a well oiled machine. Most of all, being two means that there is always one other person, in the room, in the building, in the house, in the world, who knows me better than anyone and I can always trust that he will have my best interests at heart. Being two means we hold each other in deepest mutual regard and love one another deeply. We tell each other every day. We say the words "I love you" out loud. But, being two means that we really don't ever have to say it because we already know.

For me, being two has some definite advantages over being one.

When do you know you've had enough...

My mother is 93 years old. Last Christmas Eve, while getting ready for our family holiday celebration, she had a major stroke. She spent the next couple of months either in the hospital, at the Stroke Center, or getting rehab at the nursing home. She's home now, living with my sister, and is doing okay. Just okay...

When she was able to return home we were all full of hope that she would continue on her path of recovery and get stronger everyday. She was speaking up as best she could, utilizing her throat muscle so she could not only speak but swallow. She was doing her therapy every single day, moving her stiff arms and legs as best she could to regain as much strength as she could. She ate as much solid food as possible, yet still drank her supplement at every meal so she could stay strong and ward off illnesses. We were hopeful. And so was she.

Today, my mother is down to about 100 lbs. She eats like a bird and barely speaks above a whisper unless prompted and then she does it begrudgingly. She cannot make the words come to mind of what it is she wants to say. This frustrates her beyond imagining. She cannot enjoy the foods she used to love because without full swallowing power there are many things she cannot eat. Today, she almost choked to death on a tiny sip of coffee.

My mother's hair is always a mess these days. I comb it for her every change I get but she lies in her bed so much that it is impossibly crushed on her head at any given time. She cannot have a conversation because she cannot get the words to come out right and that makes her both angry and sad. Today, she wanted to tell me to pass along birthday greeting to Alex. She could not say Alex but instead the words, "slap me, slap me, slap me" came out instead. She knew this wasn't right. She knew that wasn't what she was trying to say but the words get stuck on an internal loop in her brain and they come out sideways more often than not. She finally put her hands over her face and cried.

Once in a while, Mom will look into my eyes and shake her head with a deep sigh. I smile at her and do my best to cheer her up but I know what she's saying. She's telling me that she would not wish this life, her life as it is, on her worst enemy. My mom was always the strongest person I knew, even when she was older. She was the wisdom in my life. She was the gage of goodness, decency and kindness. There was no task too large for my mom to tackle and no lesson too delicate to learn. She was the backbone of our family and, the six of us, gather each weekend, having the usual brunch, playing the usual card games, in the hope that just doing those things we have always done will make things "usual" again. But I know they will not. This is not usual that my Mom is slowly slipping away from us. And, I have to confess, there is a part of me that thinks she may be slipping too slowly. Is it wrong to wish that someone you love would pass away? Because I do wish that. I wish it for her more every time I am with her. She would not want this for herself and, in her sighs, and tears, I know she does not want this for herself. She does not want to be fed, bathed, and toileted by anyone. There is no dignity in this life for her. For a woman who lived with great integrity and dignity, these days are difficult.

Though she cannot tell me, I'm sure that when she prays at night, she is praying for her God to take her quickly.

Until then, I have to keep my chin up...and hers. Maybe time will be kind. We'll see....

Another "thing" about Christmas...

I've rehung the Christmas lights on the window. The first set was "eaten" by the cat. Well, she didn't actually eat it, she just chewed the plug end of the cord off so they couldn't be used. Our little, tiny Christmas tree is lit and decorated. We keep having to shoo away the cat who is bound and determined to get that lighted star one of the these days. I've placed the angel that used to top my Mother's tree in front of our little tree. She proudly stands holding out her lighted candles. I remember going with my Dad to buy that angel when the old star we used to have finally gave up on us. We've had this angel for at least 25 years now. I hope she'll stay lit forever.

I love Christmas. It's no surprise to those around me to hear that. I love this season more than any other. There is some magic in those twinkling lights, ours and those shining in the windows of our neighbors and people we don't know. They send a warm, hopeful glow out into the cold, dark winter night. They actually change a season. I don't know of any other event throughout the year that has that power.

I know, for some, the holiday season is very hard. There are lost and lonely people out there and also those who feel lost and lonely because they cannot see the warmth that exists around them. I've seen how a smile, a small candy cane and a "Happy Holidays!" can work miracles by showing people that, for even just that one moment, someone does care. I've seen incredible acts of graciousness and kindness. People can really be unselfish sometimes and it's always a wonder to see. This is why I love Christmas.

On a more personal note, I love giving gifts. Don't get me wrong! I love getting them too but giving them gives me a whole different feeling. I love taking time to try to figure out what each person in my life would love to have. I don't think of it in practical terms. We can all use warm gloves, and socks, and whatnot but we can all get those at another time. I love giving the gift of fun! I want people to remember the joy they felt at Christmas when they were little. Sometimes that means giving them something just for the fun of it - toys, games, art stuff, whatever it is! Giving someone a good memory to hold onto is a very good thing!

So, tonight, as the frigid deadly cold of Wisconsin is warmed just a little bit by the glow of my holiday lights, I'm enjoying a lovely cup of hot tea, remembering my Dad as the angel blinks, and hoping that everyone, everywhere is warm and loved and happy. If even for a moment.

In the dark Novemeber...

Alex and I finished putting up our holiday lights. We live in an upper flat and the people downstairs don't put up lights so ours look pretty lonely. But they also look very beautiful as they light up the dark night.

Today I was home from work nursing a cold and soar throat. I feeling sick. I hate the achy tired feeling I have. But a couple of cups of good hot tea and a Christmas movie on the TV and I'm starting to feel better.

This morning a colleague called me to tell me that another colleague of ours had passed away over the weekend. He was someone I saw at the occasional meeting or two each month but still, the suddenness of his passing reminds me that we cannot take any single moment of our life for granted.

Tomorrow is our wedding anniversary. Hard to believe it's been one full year already. It went by so quickly. I think back and hope that I haven't taken a single moment for granted. And I vow to make each moment of the next year mean even more.

I get contemplative in the winter. The dark, quiet makes me think. Makes me wonder. And makes me long for change. I know that's winter's grand design. Without the dark quiet nights we would never appreciate the long, sun filled days of summer or the warm breezes of spring. Contrast in everything is good and right and needed.

I'm looking forward to the holidays this year with something akin to a child's wonder. I can feel it coming, the inner adrenaline already starting to take hold. I know they'll be good days...no matter what they hold for me.

The best husband ever!

Over the past few months, my husband has been sorting through a TON of old household crap that I have been meaning to get rid of forever. He spent days making sense of it and yesterday he spent hours hauling out to the curb for a scheduled curbside pick up. It took him several hours in the heat and humidity, up and down our stairs, bagging and rebagging and finally it was all out there.

He was a hot mess when he was done. Sweaty, smelly, dirty...and he never looked better. He is the best husband in the world! I wasn't able to help him carry out anything because I have a bad back so he did it alone and did it with a smile.

The funny part is that this morning when I left for work there was only about half of what he put out there left. People were coming and taking things as he was setting them out there. One time, he simply handed something to a guy that was standing there!

Anyway, I love this man more than I can say. He's always amazing me with what he does and I just wanted to let everyone know how great he really is!

Letting out a little sigh...

I think I was holding my breath without even realizing it. I didn't take a breath until I saw Alexander getting off the airport shuttle and walking towards me. No...that's not right. I don't think I actually took a breath until he was in my arms.

Yeah, that was it.

As I sit here typing this, he is sleeping off the jet lag.
The whole atmosphere here has changed. It's the same apartment with the same crappy furniture and the same dark rooms. Yet, it's changed. Because, at last, my heart is home.

And all is right with the world.

The saddest day...

Ah, here I go again. Alex is well on his way to his connecting flight in Zurich and I'm feeling sad and missing him. But there's something else too. Because our plans are very definite now, this time of saying good bye doesn't feel as final or unknown as the past ones. Before we would always part wondering when we would see each other again. Now we know when and then that's that! So even though I'm missing him terribly I'm also so incredibly happy that I just can't seem to let myself wallow in my missing him all that much!

Brigitte the baby cat, on the other hand, is missing him horrible. She gave me the longest look when I came home without Alexander, as if to say, "Where did you leave him?" and "If only one of you HAD to come back, why couldn't it have been him?" Brig totally and completely fell in love with Alex this time around. She couldn't get enough of lying around on his lap and getting tons of snuggles. She's a "daddy's girl" that's for sure. I assured her he will be back and she seemed to have accepted that for now but she is still checking out each room repeatedly just to make sure he's not just off in the kitchen or bathroom at the moment.

What can I say? Alexander is very loved by me and the cats. Mostly by me though! :)

Willing time to slow down...

It's Saturday and even though I have another three days with Alex, his impending departure is starting to hang over us like a black cloud. I know we are closer than ever to getting together permanently but these constant good byes do take a toll. I get very sad when he has to leave. Watching the Coach bus take him off to O'Hare is one of the hardest things I ever have to do. I literally sit in my car in the parking lot and cry before I can see to drive home. But I don't want to mess up our last few days together this time by being sad now so I'm pushing those melancholy thoughts to the back of my brain and that's that!

Oh, by the way, the Polar Bear Plunge that I wrote about before? Turns out that even was actually cancelled by the people promoting it. Apparently, my niece and nephew and the 30 or so crazy people who did take the plunge were actually breaking the law! Hahaha! And there we were - their loving family - cheering them on while they did!!

The arrival...

Wow, yesterday was stressful. We got hit with a huge winter storm that dumped piles of snow on us. All around me airports were closing. There was no way to get to work. Everything came to a stop. And Alex was on his way. I worried all day that his plane would not be able to land at O'Hare but, amazingly, O'Hare was the one airport that didn't close down entirely. His connecting flight in Zurich was late which also helped in the long run because it meant he missed the worst part of the storm. All in all, he traveled over 14 hours but he got here, safe and sound, and I couldn't be happier! (there will be a slight pause in this blog right now as I am dancing around the room, flailing my arms and legs and singing "w00t! w00t!...)

ok...I'm back.

Today we're off to do the shopping, get some goodies, and just run around in general. And just be together. Because I swear there is no better feeling in the world than that. Everything is right with the world.

Love in a time of chaos...

So life has given me and my family some big friggan' lemons lately. We're dealing with it. My sister's news about her cancer just gets worse with each test. She has Stage 4 and that's not good at all. Not that any stage of cancer is good but stage 4 is particularly bad. I've banned myself from Googling it for more information because all the information I've Googled thus far has just made it worse. But we'll get through this no matter the outcome. It will be a journey for sure and one that will have some real lows but we'll get by.

Through all of this Alex has been my rock. There's not much he can say, of course, to make me feel any better or calmer but his listening speaks volumes. Yes, it would be easier if he was here with me now but that can't be so this is what we have. And for now, it's enough. I can always count on him when I am racing and my mind is taking me to dark places to just listen and be calm and get it out of my system and eventually make me laugh. That's what love is. All these miles between us and we are closer than ever. We wrote a song together called "Closer" a couple of years ago and I don't think I really knew what it meant until just now.

Somehow, in light of the big picture, the work picture seems all so trivial now. All that stress and nonsense I was going through and still am going through at work just doesn't seem to have the same bite it did before. When it does get tedious at work I find myself sort of looking on as if I'm watching it in a movie and thinking "Wow...this is surreal!" and it goes away. Maybe that's a life lesson for me. There are way more important things to worry about then a job. A job is a necessity for sure but it's not a life and, at the end of the day, it is something you CAN move on from if you have to.

Just a side note...I've always known animals have a way of sensing when you're down but my cats have shown themselves to be seriously psychic or something. The other day I was sitting on the couch having a "moment" and both of them got on my lap at once which they never do. They laid there looking up at me and, occasionally, Brig would reach up a fuzzy paw to pat me consolingly on the cheek. They had very concerned looks on their little fur faces. I just had to laugh!

Panic is setting in...

My sister went to see the surgeon today. She came home and came to personally tell me the news. It's not good. She has Stage 4 breast cancer. If you don't know what that means, let me explain. Cancer is categorized in stages from 1-4. One being the easiest to cure meaning they caught it early and know what to do with it. The curability lessens with each stage and the survival rate diminishes. There is no Stage 5.

Stage 4 means that her cancer has metastasized which means it's spread to other parts of her body. Right now they think it's in her lymph nodes but Stage 4 can also spread to the bones, liver, lungs and brain. Her recent blood work and liver enzymes all came back negative so there's a good chance it hasn't spread into her bones or liver. She will be having a PET Scan on Thursday and seeing the oncologist for the first time. He will likely start her on a very aggressive course of chemotherapy. They hope to shrink the tumors and stop their growth. Then she will have a double mastectomy. And more chemo and radiation - most likely for the rest of her life. Prognosis for Stage 4 could be a little as 6 months or it could be 12 years or more. There's no way to tell and won't be for a very long time.

She's being remarkably stoic through all of this while those around her are trying their hardest to remain calm and strong and supportive. I kept it together until she left and then I completely lost it.

My sister Terry is very important to me. Though I love all my sibs, I am closest to her. She is the kindest, most caring, most generous person ever and the idea that she will be going through this is unthinkable. She is only 58 years old and has a whole lot more life to live. I tell her I love her at the end of every phone conversation I have with her or whenever we are parting company. And I do. With all of my heart.