I have cancer...

Yup, there...I've said it.

Last week,  I was diagnosed with uterine cancer. This came after about 8 months of unusual bleeding that would not stop. I had some tests, a PAP, a pelvic ultrasound, and later a D&C which was all sent for a biopsy and voila...uterine cancer.

The day before Thanksgiving I went to Froedtert Hospital and met with my "team" - an amazing group of specialist headed by Dr. Erin Bishop who will be treating me. I do back on Dec. 4 to get my pre-op work up done and meet my anesthetists and then on Dec. 8th I will have a complete hysterectomy and have my lymph nodes removed. Now, having said all that I will also say this - my cancer was caught very, very early. So early Dr. Bishop could not even give it a "stage". It is earlier than Stage 0 which means there are mostly precancerous cells and only a few cancerous cells noticeable. There is a very slight chance that the cancer could have spread but it's a very slight chance and if they find that it did I may have to have some radiation treatment. Dr. Bishop doesn't think that's going to be the case though.

I am optimistic. But, honestly, when you sit in a room and a doctor tells you that you have cancer your heart stops for a moment. Your brain shuts down. It's cancer. It's that unknown monster that somehow started growing inside you somewhere when you weren't paying attention and no one can really tell you how or why and if you hadn't found it it would have just kept growing and eating away at you until it was too late. You would be dead. Cancer, even when they catch it early, makes you think.

My cancer made me think that there is a lot of stuff I would rather be doing with my life. I think I have led a good life. I know that what I do for a living could be seen as something good - something that helps people. I feel good about that. But I'm also a bit selfishly tired of helping other people all the time. I have a dream to help animals. I know that sounds weird, but I do. I would love to foster animals or run a rescue or something, if I could. Maybe I never will, but it's a good dream. I also want to draw more. I love to draw...and I have been doing more. Little drawings, insignificant things just for me. There's something soothing about watching a black line of ink connect onto itself and wander around a blank page until it forms into something interesting and wonderful. I love that.

I know that I'll be fine and get through this health bump in the road in no time. Cancer is not my end. Just my detour...and maybe the wake up to something different for me. Who knows!

For the happy couple...

Yesterday, we attended the beach side wedding of my grand nephew Ryan and his beautiful bride Abby.  The wedding was held at the Southport Beach House. The ceremony was outside overlooking a bright blue Lake Michigan and the reception was inside the gorgeous art deco designed beach house.

As I watched Abby and Ryan exchange their vows some things came to mind that I wanted to share with them.

1. 1. Always remember that this person in front of you is your best friend, strongest ally, and most enthusiastic cheer leader. As the married days go by little things start creeping in - day to day worries, work stuff, what's for dinner, etc. All of this can create so much smoke that sometimes you'll find yourself getting stressed out and that might make you say something you know is wrong, but you do it anyway. Don't worry about this. It happens. And life goes on as long as you always remember that this person in front of you, is the one person in the world you love more that anyone else. 
2. Make each other laugh. There is nothing more endearing or sexier than being able to laugh at each other. Be silly sometimes. Life is too short to be so serious. Go crazy, wear a silly hat, talk in a funny voice once in while. 
3. ARGUE! No, really...have a good argument once in a while. There is nothing more frustrating that having one person back down all the time. Arguing is as good for a marriage as laughter as long as you always remember that you love this person, in spite of his/her position, and you know this argument is simply a matter of different opinion. Let it out! Argue! And then get over it. 
4. Surprise each other! Give each other little gifts now and then. Or go out on a week day. Or plan a special trip for just the two of you. Live a little. 
5. Tell each other you love one another all day, every day. Say it when you end phone conversations, first thing in the morning and when you go to sleep at night. Say is when you leave the house for work. It's so important to let him/her know so that they never, ever question to and they will never, ever feel unloved. Say it loud!

I'm sure Abby and Ryan will have a long, happy marriage. It's evident they love one another very dearly. So perhaps my thoughts are invalid. 

Just thinking...

It's an absolutely beautiful Saturday afternoon and I'm just thinking.

Just thinking about how lucky I am. I had kind of a rough week, with work and not sleeping well, but today I am rested and feeling content. I was thinking about what to do today and then started feeling grateful that I had so many options to choose from. I'm thinking there are people in this world who's options are limited.

I'm thinking how cool and amazing it is to be married to someone that I not only love, I genuinely like and want to be around all the time. In fact, I think there is not another person on this earth that I'd rather spend time with. I think that's special. I think there are people out there struggling with their relationships and I think I'm blessed for mine.

I'm thinking that I'm hungry. I just said it out loud and then followed it with, "There's really nothing to eat here." I think that's a lie. I think we have ample food and it's just a matter of me deciding what to make. I think there are people who don't have enough to eat on a daily basis and I think we need to do better to feed them.

I'm thinking there is so much to do today and it's all mine for the choosing. There's a Pike River Rendezvous right up the street from me. Reenactors dressed as traders and Native Americans gather on the shores of Lake Michigan to show how life was back in the fur trader era. It's a good event! I'm also thinking of going to the Racine County Zoo. This little zoo is a short drive from our house and it's such a great little place. They've done wonders giving the animals more realistic enclosures and creating an educational setting for zoo visitors. I think my vote is still out on the efficacy of zoos in general because I believe that animals should be in the wild. But I think I would never get the chance to actually see a giraffe or lion or baboon if zoos didn't exist. I think I am selfish at the expense of the animals.

I'm thinking I've already taken up too much of this beautiful day writing this blog. I think it's time for me to make some decisions and head out! So, I think I'll say good bye now!

My brain is too full...

Tonight my head is swimming with thoughts. I have been thinking of all the plans I have and how to make them come to pass and what I need to do to accomplish that and what the obstacles might be...

The thoughts I'm having are for long range plans and there is nothing I can do at this moment to make them happen which is why this is so maddening and probably will cause me to have a sleepless night. My mind does this a couple of times each month. I have these meandering thoughts, one leading to another, and no end in sight. Thoughts like "if I get the chance to move abroad, what will I take and how" and "what kind of jobs will be available to me" and so on. Of course, there's no way of knowing that now and that's exactly why the thoughts won't leave me tonight.

I think there is something about the excitement of just thinking about making this happen that causes my mind to muddle down in it. I mean, it is a thrilling plan for sure and something I want more than life itself. I know that it will happen but, as with all good things, I have to take it one step at a time and not get ahead of myself. Of course, my mind is so far ahead that I will have to run to catch up!

I've begun making mental lists of all that has to be accomplished in order to do this. I have begun to categorize the lists in order of importance. I have begun fantasizing about what it will be like. In short, I have begun making myself a little crazy about all of it!

It will happen. And I won't be alone in the planning. So, for now, I just have to relax and take it one day at a time.