You Are Here....

I had a conversation with Alex today that started me thinking about what makes anyone take a certain direction in life. Honestly, my life has been a series of opportunities that have presented themselves and I took them. Some of them have been very good and some not so much. But, when I think of them, all of them have, at the end of the day, taught me a lesson or two and shaped who I am today.

When it was time for to decide what to study after high school I had no idea what it was I wanted to do. I had never even given it a thought. I knew there were some things I felt I was good at though so when the time came I just sort of floated in that direction. I studied Communications with an emphasis on theatre arts. That led me to the opportunity to perform Shakespeare at a RenFaire for one summer. That was my first professional acting gig. It was fun. I'm not sure it was a stellar moment but it did lead to the next opportunity. While there I met some people who were going on to tour for the rest of the year and needed to sublet their apartment in Chicago. Why not? So I did. Again, no thought as to whether or not this was going to be a life changing commitment. I was just going with the flow.

I continued to do that for years. Job to job, these were just suggested to me and I went for it. I even did that in my personal life. That seemed like the "thing to do" as it was what society seems to expect from women. So I did - met someone, got married. I can't say that I didn't love my husband. He is actually a great guy and the divorce that resulted when I woke up one day and realized that I was solidly stuck in this place that I had allowed myself to be in was difficult. Emotionally difficult for me, for sure, because I felt so much guilt over the realization that I had to make the change for me and that affected him so much. It was knowing that if I accepted just staying there, I was slowly dying inside and losing that innate part of me that makes me who I am. I had to move on. But that was the first time in my life that I made a move with purpose and meaning. That was the moment that I took control and didn't leave anything to chance.

I feel good about that move as hard as it was. And now, I have someone in my life who shares the same goals and ideals and wants the same things out of life. I don't know that he will ever really know what that means to me.

Life is full of people who eagerly give advice. Some of it is valuable and some can make me feel inadequate and guilty all over again. That's the problem with the word "should", it implies there is something missing, either by ommission or neglect, and it always has the connotation that someone else knows what's best.
After having followed a meandering directionless path for so long, I know now that is just untrue. I know me best. And you know you best. And while we can help each other along the way, the help will never come with "shoulds" or "I told you so's".