Movie Review: The Expendables

So, last night, Alex and I went to see The Expendables. If you haven't seen the trailer, it is a film written by Sylvester Stallone, starring Sylvester Stallone and a host of other larger than life characters, primarily Jet Li, Steve Austen, Jason Statham, Mickey Rourke, Dolph Lundgren and Eric Roberts. Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger also show up in this movie.

To say the dialogue is hackneyed is an understatement but who goes to a Stallone film for the riveting dialogue. The acting is laughable but then who cares when you have the greatest action movie heroes assembled in one movie! Lots of things get "blowed up" real good. And many, many, MANY people get shot. And even more people get their ass kicked repeatedly. The plot, what there is of it, is thin as last weeks soup. But again, lots of things get "blowed up" real good so who cares about the plot.

Okay, here's the plot in a nutshell. Stallone et al are The Expendables, a gang of aging mercenaries that can still kick all kinds of international ass. Mickey Rourke is "Tool" (no kidding, that's his name) who runs the garage/art studio/tattoo place that they all hang out in. He's retired, as he will tell us in a touching monologue filmed in SUPER CLOSE UP! No one should ever film Mickey Rourke in SUPER CLOSE UP but there it is. The group gets hired by Bruce Willis to go to an island called Vilena to kill off some kind of General and a drug lord. I have no idea who played the General but Eric Roberts was the drug lord. So, after a lot of preliminary and mostly unnecessary bruhaha off they go. Oh, in an earlier, inconsequential "job" it is established that Dolph Lundgren is a drug addicted, not to be trusted Expendable. The reason this is important is because he later gets hired to kill Stallone and, well, let's say he fails and later has a chance to redeem himself. Schwarzenegger should have just stayed home and not made his "cameo" as a rival "tough guy" mercenary Willis is also considering hiring for this job. Compared to Willis and Stallone, he looked like a good strong breeze would have knocked him over. I get the joke, why he was in this, but seriously - not good. Let's talk about the line delivery...when the General, who had a very bad Spanish (I think) accent is one of the only people you can understand, you know there are problems! There was so much mumble mouthing through this movie I couldn't begin to tell you what anyone was saying. It's just as well because the few lines I did hear were so laughable! Anyway, lots of stuff gets "blowed up" real good and the good guys prevail and, at the end of the day, as stupid as this movie is, a good time was had by all.

So, my personal favorite moments in this film:
1. Dolph Lundgren - He is just the best crazy person ever. Mostly because he is really a crazy person. And he's Swedish. So, yeah, there's that too.

2. Jet Li - There's one scene where they show Jet Li reacting to what just went on before and he just rolls his eyes and sighs heavily. I got the feeling that he was actually reacting to the realization that he was actually IN this movie at all. I think his agent got a sternly worded voice mail after this one! But he did have the coolest, most EW moment in one fight. Statham is holding down this bad guy and Li round houses and bring his foot down on the guys face and his head snaps back in a most unnatural fashion with a loud CRACK noise. The audience all went EWWWWW!!

3. Mickey Rourke - C'mon, it's Mickey Freaking Rourke!! That man has lived a thousand lives and is still the most intriguing, coolest weirdo on the face of the planet!

Overall, as I said, stupid movie but FUN FUN FUN. It was like a ride at Disney World but without the annoying animatronics. Or the creepy singing children. If you want some fun, don't want anything that will make you think...then this is the one for you!