My mother is 93 years old. Last Christmas Eve, while getting ready for our family holiday celebration, she had a major stroke. She spent the next couple of months either in the hospital, at the Stroke Center, or getting rehab at the nursing home. She's home now, living with my sister, and is doing okay. Just okay...
When she was able to return home we were all full of hope that she would continue on her path of recovery and get stronger everyday. She was speaking up as best she could, utilizing her throat muscle so she could not only speak but swallow. She was doing her therapy every single day, moving her stiff arms and legs as best she could to regain as much strength as she could. She ate as much solid food as possible, yet still drank her supplement at every meal so she could stay strong and ward off illnesses. We were hopeful. And so was she.
Today, my mother is down to about 100 lbs. She eats like a bird and barely speaks above a whisper unless prompted and then she does it begrudgingly. She cannot make the words come to mind of what it is she wants to say. This frustrates her beyond imagining. She cannot enjoy the foods she used to love because without full swallowing power there are many things she cannot eat. Today, she almost choked to death on a tiny sip of coffee.
My mother's hair is always a mess these days. I comb it for her every change I get but she lies in her bed so much that it is impossibly crushed on her head at any given time. She cannot have a conversation because she cannot get the words to come out right and that makes her both angry and sad. Today, she wanted to tell me to pass along birthday greeting to Alex. She could not say Alex but instead the words, "slap me, slap me, slap me" came out instead. She knew this wasn't right. She knew that wasn't what she was trying to say but the words get stuck on an internal loop in her brain and they come out sideways more often than not. She finally put her hands over her face and cried.
Once in a while, Mom will look into my eyes and shake her head with a deep sigh. I smile at her and do my best to cheer her up but I know what she's saying. She's telling me that she would not wish this life, her life as it is, on her worst enemy. My mom was always the strongest person I knew, even when she was older. She was the wisdom in my life. She was the gage of goodness, decency and kindness. There was no task too large for my mom to tackle and no lesson too delicate to learn. She was the backbone of our family and, the six of us, gather each weekend, having the usual brunch, playing the usual card games, in the hope that just doing those things we have always done will make things "usual" again. But I know they will not. This is not usual that my Mom is slowly slipping away from us. And, I have to confess, there is a part of me that thinks she may be slipping too slowly. Is it wrong to wish that someone you love would pass away? Because I do wish that. I wish it for her more every time I am with her. She would not want this for herself and, in her sighs, and tears, I know she does not want this for herself. She does not want to be fed, bathed, and toileted by anyone. There is no dignity in this life for her. For a woman who lived with great integrity and dignity, these days are difficult.
Though she cannot tell me, I'm sure that when she prays at night, she is praying for her God to take her quickly.
Until then, I have to keep my chin up...and hers. Maybe time will be kind. We'll see....
1 comment:
These are very tough times for you, Mary Beth. I know how things were before Dad passed on. Treasure these last moments and remember the times when she was the strong, healthy woman who led you through life. I will keep her in my thoughts and prayers.
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