This year has been an incredible roller coaster full of ups and downs and loop de loops. Some of it has been exciting and very good. Some of it has been stressful and very sad.
Last year, my mother made the decision to move in with my sister and her family. In her 90's she was not able to care for her home any longer. She came to this decision on her own and that was a blessing. I've heard horror stories of families having to force their elderly parents out of their homes leaving them traumatized and angry. Mom decided this for herself in her own time. It was also a blessing that she was there with my sister last Christmas Eve because that was the day, while getting ready for our Christmas Eve get together, she suddenly had a stroke. That was the event that defined how the next 12 months would be.
Initially, we were hopeful, yet scared. Mom did all the therapy asked of her and tried very hard to regain her movement and language skills. But, at 93, it was too much for her. For the next 12 months she showed a steady decline and now can barely speak anything that makes sense. She eats very little and so has lost an enormous amount of weight and the pressure of her bones against her thin skin has left her riddled with sores that will not heal. She is assisted in every aspect of her life - eating, dressing, toileting and communicating. This frustrates and tires her out. My sister, who is an angel, patiently altered her own life to become my mother's chief care giver. She has made the journey from task master - getting my mother to cooperate with therapy - to gentle companion - making mom as comfortable as she can. My mom is on the end of her life rope and it's been painful watching her natural decline. She never wanted this end for herself but she is tolerating it with quiet wisdom and deep faith. One of these days, her God will bless her and finally take her. It will be a blessing for us all.
Also this year, another person in my life had been fighting the good fight against cancer and leukemia. My brother in law's cousin was diagnosed with breast cancer last year and underwent treatment that ravaged her health and took her hair. She made it through and triumphed over the cancer, started growing her hair back and started living again. Her victory was short lived because shortly after she was diagnosed with leukemia. Still not 100% after the initial cancer treatment, she began treatment for the leukemia. Apparently, it didn't work. Judy passed away Sunday morning. She was 62.
Those were the low points of the year. But the year wasn't all low because this year my family welcomed the birth of four new babies - Isaac, Logan, Chelsea and Indy. Our family continues to grow and, in spite of our losses and sadness, we have had many chances to celebrate with great joy.
I guess such is life. We cannot know the good times if we do not experience the bad. We would have nothing to compare it to. So, we say good bye to those we loved and will love forever and hello to new souls who will fill our dark days with smiles and laughter. Such is life. And life is good.
Showing posts with label end of life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label end of life. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Sunday, April 17, 2011
When do you know you've had enough...
My mother is 93 years old. Last Christmas Eve, while getting ready for our family holiday celebration, she had a major stroke. She spent the next couple of months either in the hospital, at the Stroke Center, or getting rehab at the nursing home. She's home now, living with my sister, and is doing okay. Just okay...
When she was able to return home we were all full of hope that she would continue on her path of recovery and get stronger everyday. She was speaking up as best she could, utilizing her throat muscle so she could not only speak but swallow. She was doing her therapy every single day, moving her stiff arms and legs as best she could to regain as much strength as she could. She ate as much solid food as possible, yet still drank her supplement at every meal so she could stay strong and ward off illnesses. We were hopeful. And so was she.
Today, my mother is down to about 100 lbs. She eats like a bird and barely speaks above a whisper unless prompted and then she does it begrudgingly. She cannot make the words come to mind of what it is she wants to say. This frustrates her beyond imagining. She cannot enjoy the foods she used to love because without full swallowing power there are many things she cannot eat. Today, she almost choked to death on a tiny sip of coffee.
My mother's hair is always a mess these days. I comb it for her every change I get but she lies in her bed so much that it is impossibly crushed on her head at any given time. She cannot have a conversation because she cannot get the words to come out right and that makes her both angry and sad. Today, she wanted to tell me to pass along birthday greeting to Alex. She could not say Alex but instead the words, "slap me, slap me, slap me" came out instead. She knew this wasn't right. She knew that wasn't what she was trying to say but the words get stuck on an internal loop in her brain and they come out sideways more often than not. She finally put her hands over her face and cried.
Once in a while, Mom will look into my eyes and shake her head with a deep sigh. I smile at her and do my best to cheer her up but I know what she's saying. She's telling me that she would not wish this life, her life as it is, on her worst enemy. My mom was always the strongest person I knew, even when she was older. She was the wisdom in my life. She was the gage of goodness, decency and kindness. There was no task too large for my mom to tackle and no lesson too delicate to learn. She was the backbone of our family and, the six of us, gather each weekend, having the usual brunch, playing the usual card games, in the hope that just doing those things we have always done will make things "usual" again. But I know they will not. This is not usual that my Mom is slowly slipping away from us. And, I have to confess, there is a part of me that thinks she may be slipping too slowly. Is it wrong to wish that someone you love would pass away? Because I do wish that. I wish it for her more every time I am with her. She would not want this for herself and, in her sighs, and tears, I know she does not want this for herself. She does not want to be fed, bathed, and toileted by anyone. There is no dignity in this life for her. For a woman who lived with great integrity and dignity, these days are difficult.
Though she cannot tell me, I'm sure that when she prays at night, she is praying for her God to take her quickly.
Until then, I have to keep my chin up...and hers. Maybe time will be kind. We'll see....
When she was able to return home we were all full of hope that she would continue on her path of recovery and get stronger everyday. She was speaking up as best she could, utilizing her throat muscle so she could not only speak but swallow. She was doing her therapy every single day, moving her stiff arms and legs as best she could to regain as much strength as she could. She ate as much solid food as possible, yet still drank her supplement at every meal so she could stay strong and ward off illnesses. We were hopeful. And so was she.
Today, my mother is down to about 100 lbs. She eats like a bird and barely speaks above a whisper unless prompted and then she does it begrudgingly. She cannot make the words come to mind of what it is she wants to say. This frustrates her beyond imagining. She cannot enjoy the foods she used to love because without full swallowing power there are many things she cannot eat. Today, she almost choked to death on a tiny sip of coffee.
My mother's hair is always a mess these days. I comb it for her every change I get but she lies in her bed so much that it is impossibly crushed on her head at any given time. She cannot have a conversation because she cannot get the words to come out right and that makes her both angry and sad. Today, she wanted to tell me to pass along birthday greeting to Alex. She could not say Alex but instead the words, "slap me, slap me, slap me" came out instead. She knew this wasn't right. She knew that wasn't what she was trying to say but the words get stuck on an internal loop in her brain and they come out sideways more often than not. She finally put her hands over her face and cried.
Once in a while, Mom will look into my eyes and shake her head with a deep sigh. I smile at her and do my best to cheer her up but I know what she's saying. She's telling me that she would not wish this life, her life as it is, on her worst enemy. My mom was always the strongest person I knew, even when she was older. She was the wisdom in my life. She was the gage of goodness, decency and kindness. There was no task too large for my mom to tackle and no lesson too delicate to learn. She was the backbone of our family and, the six of us, gather each weekend, having the usual brunch, playing the usual card games, in the hope that just doing those things we have always done will make things "usual" again. But I know they will not. This is not usual that my Mom is slowly slipping away from us. And, I have to confess, there is a part of me that thinks she may be slipping too slowly. Is it wrong to wish that someone you love would pass away? Because I do wish that. I wish it for her more every time I am with her. She would not want this for herself and, in her sighs, and tears, I know she does not want this for herself. She does not want to be fed, bathed, and toileted by anyone. There is no dignity in this life for her. For a woman who lived with great integrity and dignity, these days are difficult.
Though she cannot tell me, I'm sure that when she prays at night, she is praying for her God to take her quickly.
Until then, I have to keep my chin up...and hers. Maybe time will be kind. We'll see....
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