All out of f**** to give...

A good friend of mine at work came to me today and said, "I'm just completely out of f**** to give today." I knew exactly how she felt.

I spend my days working in a noble but entirely thankless profession. Last week, I spent an entire day scrounging up over $500 to pay a plumber to fix the toilet and bathtub drain for two of our clients who live on very limited income and who had been without working plumbing for almost two months. I called in some debt, begged a little and, at the end of the day, I got it done. That day I was a hero and thanks were freely flowing.

Yesterday, one of those same clients came to me to complain he had no money to spend at Christmas. Now I work with the poorest of the poor. Once they pay their rent and utilities and get some meager groceries there really isn't anything left to spend. I tried to get some answers for him, see what I could do, but alas, at the end of that day I wasn't able to do anything. He screamed at me. Called me a liar and a thief. All in a day's work. I restrained myself and did not scream back, "HEY! I WAS THE ONE THAT GOT YOUR PLUMBING PAID FOR!!" That would have been unprofessional and, seriously, uncalled for.

Thing is, I get it. These are very poor people who, by virtue of having a mental illness that makes their daily lives difficult, have very little control over anything in their lives. That has to be frustrating to no end. I get it. I really do. But, in all honesty, it wears me down. I have to struggle sometimes to find the joy in the small victories and sometimes they are few and far between.

Some days, it's really hard to listen effectively and have empathy. Some days I want to close the door and shut them out.

At this time of year, I always watch A Christmas Carol. The real old version with Alistair Sims. Scrooge is jaded and lives only for his money. I can't say that I identify with that but he has a line when the charitable men come calling, asking for donations for the poor. He says, "Are there no poor houses? No work farms?" They answer him, "Many would rather die than go there." And Scrooge says, "Then they'd better set on doing it and decrease the surplus population!" Though I have never gotten to the point where I wished anyone dead, I have gotten to the point where I have no more f**** to give. I feel I'm at that point right now.

But, having said all that, I know that this dark f***less place is temporary. I've been here before and, I'm happy to say, the feeling goes away as quickly as it comes. If it ever does start to stick around, I take some time off to regroup, rethink, renew and rejuvenate. I'm not quite at that point yet and, hopefully, tomorrow will bring me one of those small victories and I can snap out of this!