The results are in...sort of...

So I had my MRI. And they found out I had...drum roll please...a swollen optic nerve. Which they already knew going in. The good news is there was nothing else there for me to worry about like a tumor or MS. But now there is other stuff to worry about like Lupus, Lymes' Disease, and Rheumatoid Arthritis. I had to go last Saturday and give 7 more vials of blood to get more tests done. I also had a TB test.

So now I'm waiting to see what that blood work showed. If it's something that can be treated here I'm good. If not, I am being sent to a neuro-ophalmologist at Froedtert Hospital for even more tests. I can not express how over all of this I am. SO OVER IT!

Later in April, I am going to have a sleep study. I don't need one but they think I should have one so I will. Have I mentioned I AM OVER THIS?

There has to be a light at the end of this tunnel. I want off this health care ride now. It has already taken up the major portion of 2014 and I AM OVER IT!!

All out of f**** to give...

A good friend of mine at work came to me today and said, "I'm just completely out of f**** to give today." I knew exactly how she felt.

I spend my days working in a noble but entirely thankless profession. Last week, I spent an entire day scrounging up over $500 to pay a plumber to fix the toilet and bathtub drain for two of our clients who live on very limited income and who had been without working plumbing for almost two months. I called in some debt, begged a little and, at the end of the day, I got it done. That day I was a hero and thanks were freely flowing.

Yesterday, one of those same clients came to me to complain he had no money to spend at Christmas. Now I work with the poorest of the poor. Once they pay their rent and utilities and get some meager groceries there really isn't anything left to spend. I tried to get some answers for him, see what I could do, but alas, at the end of that day I wasn't able to do anything. He screamed at me. Called me a liar and a thief. All in a day's work. I restrained myself and did not scream back, "HEY! I WAS THE ONE THAT GOT YOUR PLUMBING PAID FOR!!" That would have been unprofessional and, seriously, uncalled for.

Thing is, I get it. These are very poor people who, by virtue of having a mental illness that makes their daily lives difficult, have very little control over anything in their lives. That has to be frustrating to no end. I get it. I really do. But, in all honesty, it wears me down. I have to struggle sometimes to find the joy in the small victories and sometimes they are few and far between.

Some days, it's really hard to listen effectively and have empathy. Some days I want to close the door and shut them out.

At this time of year, I always watch A Christmas Carol. The real old version with Alistair Sims. Scrooge is jaded and lives only for his money. I can't say that I identify with that but he has a line when the charitable men come calling, asking for donations for the poor. He says, "Are there no poor houses? No work farms?" They answer him, "Many would rather die than go there." And Scrooge says, "Then they'd better set on doing it and decrease the surplus population!" Though I have never gotten to the point where I wished anyone dead, I have gotten to the point where I have no more f**** to give. I feel I'm at that point right now.

But, having said all that, I know that this dark f***less place is temporary. I've been here before and, I'm happy to say, the feeling goes away as quickly as it comes. If it ever does start to stick around, I take some time off to regroup, rethink, renew and rejuvenate. I'm not quite at that point yet and, hopefully, tomorrow will bring me one of those small victories and I can snap out of this!

Ending the weekend with a boo hoo...

Yesterday was weird. I just had a really bad day overall. I'm not sure when it started because I seemed to just wake up in a funk and stayed there pretty much all day.

I think the problem was that I had sort of geared myself up for a romanticized first day of Advent. Now, I'm not the most religious person and the only reason the first day of Advent is important to me is that it's the day I start getting ready for Christmas. This is definitely a throwback to my Catholic days. I know that in the Catholic doctrine, Advent is the time to prepare for the coming of the Lord. So, I guess in the same vein, it's what I do...just without the religious take. Anyway...I'm getting off track.

So, I got up all ready to get stuff done.

The first thing that went wrong was I couldn't find the lights for the windows anywhere. I searched high and low. And I mean it...high and low and all over the place. I got bupkiss. Alex later reminded me that we had thrown out the lights from last year because one of the cat's chewed through the cord. Ah yes...now I remember. He found the suitcase of Christmas ornaments and there were extra lights in there so I was able to get them up but still it was a very frustrating couple of hours.

The next thing that happened was that the very beautiful large Swedish Advent star that I recently purchased needed to be put together and hung in the window. I've wanted one of these stars ever since the first time I ever went to Sweden. Everyone puts them in their windows (And I mean everyone!) and they light up the long dark days and nights. It's almost magical to see it. So I was chuffed to find them at IKEA and couldn't wait to get it together and in the window. Well, it went together easily but they neglected to include the light bulb. I went to the store to get one that would work but they didn't have the right ones. So, no Advent star. I got so frustrated I took it all apart and threw it in the closet.

The final thing that happened was the kicker. Last year, we sold my mom's house and one thing I saved from her home was the angel that my Dad and I bought years ago for the top of our tree. She is all silver and holds two small candles that light up. I searched everywhere. I can't find her. And that's when I had a complete meltdown and just sat there and cried like a baby.

Maybe it was the culmination of the long weekend of celebrating and being over tired or something. Maybe it was just two many frustrations coming at me at once or maybe it was the silly thought that the angel was gone for good. Whatever it was...it wasn't pretty and I was glad when the day ended.

On the upside, Alex made sure the night ended in a good way and for that I am forever grateful. Love that guy...I really do.

Ode to the IRS...

It's not often I write something here twice in one day but while this is on my mind I thought I'd better get it off. In February, I went to HR Block to have my taxes done. It's probably something I could do on my own but there's an IRA and a 403B involved and, frankly, who needs the headache. So, to good ol' HR Block. Now I had intended to file as Married, Filing Separately since Alex had only been in the US since Nov of '09 but the kind woman at HR Block convinced me that he would qualify for a Individual Tax Identification Number (since he does not yet have a Soc Sec number). She seemed to know what she was doing and she lured me with a promised return of almost twice what I would normally get.

Fast forward to the present. Still no tax refund in the mail. About a week ago, we get a letter from the IRS in Austen, TX stating we have to send them more documentation before they can process the ITIN application. The IRS cannot process our tax forms until they get the approved ITIN number. So...we send them the documentation they need and we wait.

A few days later we get another letter from Austen, TX stating they cannot process our most recent application (mind you, there was only one application) because we already have a pending application in Austen. Clearly, that is the one and only application so I have no idea what the heck they're talking about. Yesterday, we get a letter from the state of Wisconsin stating that they cannot process our state tax form because you cannot file Married, Filing Jointly if one spouse is a non-resident alien (which Alex is because we haven't gotten his Green Card yet).

So...
Off we go, back to HR Block to try to make some sense of this. Of course, the branch I first went to is closed. It was only open for tax time so now we're dealing with a whole new person. She had to read and re-read the letters over and over again. For the ones from Austen, her sage advice was just to wait a week more and then to call them directly. No duh! Then she started typing a lot and looking a lot of things up in some very weighty books and mumbling to herself and trying to recalculate my state form. The state says I now OWE them $68 instead of getting $224 back. Her calculations showed I OWED them $354. Finally, I told her we would just pay the friggan' $68 and call it a day. THEN...she had us sign a statement saying we received "Audit services" from HR Block. What the frig??? We got nothing...nothing we couldn't have done on our own. Thankfully she did not ask us to pay her anything more because I would probably have punched her. Hard.

You see, in Sweden, they can pay their taxes with one simple text message from their cell phones. No kidding. It's that easy. I can't wait to move there.

Happy Tax Time Everyone! I'll let you know if, and when, we ever get our money!

A little hiccup or just another bump in the road...

So, Alexander had his interview at the US Embassy today. At long last, the day all of our worrying about was here. The interview went very well and, tadah! the visa is approve....except for one thing. There's always that one thing, isn't there? It turns out that one of the evidentiary documents we had to gather was not exactly the correct document. It needed to be certified. FRUSTRATING!! The most irritating thing about this is this document was one of the very first things we had to submit with the original application back in March and we used an immigration attorney to compile those documents. She assured us we had everything. In fact, that original packet was sent to TWO visa centers which had to approve it before it was sent to the embassy in Sweden.

I scoured the informational lists and no where does it say this particular document needed to be a certified copy...just a copy! Ah, well...

SO in between meetings and work and trying to get work done I ran to the court to get a certified copy. Then I had to stand on line to mail it to the embassy in Sweden. Postal rates are outrageous and there doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to them. It was just under $20 to send this thing for a 6 business day delivery goal. I asked what it would cost to do it in three days and the cost went up to over $60!!

Anywho, the embassy will get the doc sometime next week. They've held onto Alex's passport and will stamp it with the visa at that time and send it back to him. And then, it's done. Months and months of paperwork, research, worry, arguing, frustration, and fret will finally be over.

And then the real fun can begin! :)

Gauging my frustration meter....

I'm back at work after a glorious spur of the moment four day weekend and it's been a rough one. Getting back into the "swing" of things these days isn't easy for me because the "swing" of things seem to be slowly slipping away. At the end of this month my staff will all be going to other jobs elsewhere and I'll be left here not knowing quite yet what I'll be doing.

I'm starting to see basic everyday decisions being taken out of my hands. Staff still come to me with questions but, at this point, I am not the one to be answering them. I'm in a weird state of limbo.

It's because of this that I am also getting more and more easily frustrated with day to day happenings around here. People are off making decisions without me and then coming to me to "fix" the mess they've created and it takes every ounce of strength I have to refrain from telling them to go take a flying leap! I have to physically remind myself to take a deep breath and not bite their heads off. I have to admit this was most difficult today when one of my staff introduced me to a new co-worker as "her office manager"!! Last time I checked I was still her boss and wasn't working for her. Breathe...1,2,3,4.....

Little annoyances...

I know, I know...life is too short to let these bother me but there are just some little annoying things happening today so I thought I'd vent. First, my brakes were squeaking this morning. Now, this shouldn't be a big deal except that I just paid $200 yesterday for new front brakes and rotors. So why the squeak? At this point, shouldn't I be pretty much squeak free?

Next, I have a document that I have to drop off at the court house. Again, not a big deal except that in order to do this simple task I will have to drive around and around and around (see previous post on this...) to get a place to park and then line up for 20 minutes to get through the security check point. Once I do, it will take me all of 5 minutes to drop off the document. Seems like an awful lot of work for a five minute drop.

Lastly, it has been in the upper 90s here for a week now with a dew point of 85 or so which means it's hot and sticky and icky. Getting from car to air conditioned office makes ya sweat like a farmhand. So, that right there is annoying BUT the truly annoying thing about this is that I work with several non-Polish (read that: skinny, no meat on their bones) women who have been walking around wearing sweaters, complaining that "it's cold in here" and asking the boss to adjust the AC. I hate these women. I know that hate is a strong word but, in this case, with my boiled brainage, I hate them.

So, as a bead of sweat drips slowly into my eye, I must go now to my car with the new yet squeaky brakes and drive a circle around the courthouse in what can only be seen as some kind of ritualistic mania and hope that I don't set off the metal detector at the courthouse door!

So I had the talk...

I went to work (dread, fear, loathing...) for a half day today. I decided that it was time to talk to my boss about what I've been feeling lately about the job. Especially since my staff came to my one at a time and pretty much stated exactly the same feelings about their jobs. I have to admit I have a great boss. He's an ass, for sure, but a great boss nonetheless. He lets me call him an ass and he calls me an ass and we go on. Yeah, he's one of those kinds of bosses - one you do not have to tip toe around and who completely has your back regardless. So, I like him. Anyway - I told him about my frustrations and general overall yucky feeling about my job and how I was looking to move on but was conflicted about that because I didn't want to move on but how I felt ineffectual and meaningless. (Whew...big breath...but that was about how it all came out.)

He listened, commiserated with me, and then took me to the Executive Director's office where we both went through it all again. In the end, my problem was not solved but I didn't really expect that there was an easy solution. I did make the suggestion that, if it was fiscally possible, we decreased the average caseload size by 5 cases which would give my staff a little breathing room which, in the end, though it wouldn't change the enormous calamity that is the new funding system, it would give them some extra time to start feeling like they are able to get things done. So, my pain and frustration continues but I was able to get something good for my staff. I guess that makes me feel a wee bit better.

The kind of laughter that precedes a complete mental break down...

Once in a while at work, things just strike me as funny. For those who work in fields where compassion, understanding and empathy are key, occasionally, there is a need for a touch of dark humor. Face it, I work in a human service office dealing with people in crisis all day. Most of the time, those crises can be pretty gruesome - murders, suicides, overdoses, intentional self harm. So every once in a while, we need to laugh and, sometimes, we laugh at things that, I think, most people would find pretty offensive. Today, however, I was laughing not so much at the situations presented but at the details of the crisis calls we were getting.

For some reason, there were 6 separate calls from 6 different people and their needs were wide ranging from just a mere complaint to a person with suicidal and homicidal ideations. The thing that struck me funny was that all 6 of these people called as a result of their frustration of being in a grocery check out line at some point during the day. None of the calls were related. They weren't even at the same grocery store. As we read through these crisis contacts, I started to get the giggles. It's such a universal frustration but the severity and degree to which some of these folks expressed it just started me off and once I got started, I couldn't stop. I mean I hate grocery shopping as a rule but, seriously, getting to the point where the police and crisis unit have to be called is a wee bit over reactive, wouldn't you say? I guess I feel for their pain but I do appreciate the laugh.

Of course, with the price of groceries these days, I bet we can expect more of these calls!

Integrity Maintenance 101...

Working for this small not for profit agency has it's perks. Being contracted for our services by a larger entity turns out may not be one of them. Lately, I'm feeling more and more as if the culture and integrity of our agency is being sucked up into the giant vortex that is managed care. It's terribly frustrating to be told, on the one hand, that we are the "experts" in our field and that is the reason they came to us and then, on the other, be made to feel as if we don't count in any way.

As the supervisor, I'm treading a fine line between contracted provider and lackey. I'm working on ways to keep our own agency in tact in the face of all of this but it's incredibly soul sucking and I'm feeling quite burned out.

TGIF! That acronym never held deeper meaning for me until now.

The Neverending Parade of Specialists...

So the agency I work for is contracted by another not-for-profit to provide case management services. This, over all, is a good thing. However, the contracting agency doesn't really have any experience in working with the particular types of disabilities that we here are used to working with. They've decided that the best way to address this and "be helpful" to us is to hire an endless array of "specialists" who are supposed to be here to assist us in our work. Roughly translated, they've hired a bunch of people with some vague information who pretty much just get in the way.

Every time I go to a meeting with this contracting agency, they announce the hiring of yet another new "specialist". This is not an exaggeration. And I've been to many, many meetings. All of this layering on of new people without new policies has made my job very tedious and boring. It's difficult to tell my staff how to maneuver this new system of human services when we can never actually get a straight answer as to what, exactly, it is any of these people want us to do. It's annoying and, at the end of the day, demeaning to all of us who have been working with the disabled for so long. We don't need another expert whoop-di-doo specialist to tell us what's wrong. We need people willing to roll up their sleeves and dig in and get people what they need.

Adventures in shopping...

I have to admit that in some areas I am a very slow learner. It happens like this...

I realize on a Wednesday that I am due for a trip to the grocery store. I make the mental list of things I'm running out of and, sometimes, even make a real list. I think to myself that I will run to the store after work on Thursday. Then, Thursday comes, I get through the work day and all I can think of is going home. So, I resign myself that I will have to go on Saturday. Friday's are out because of a standing dinner appointment each week. Now I KNOW that I hate grocery shopping on Saturdays. Actually, I hate it on any day but particularly on Saturdays because the store is always full of 85 year old's wandering the aisles S L O W L Y and it takes me forever to get it done. There are always maybe two check out lanes open and each one has at least 25 people waiting. I KNOW THIS!! And I do it every time.

I went today and waited for 20 minutes until the two little old ladies at the ground beef section made up their minds. It's GROUND BEEF...all of it... nothing else...what's the decision here?

I should be more patient I guess. No, what I should really be is smarter but I know that next time I will do the exact same thing. Duh!

The edge of restless...

I have this thing I do. After a few years of doing one thing - a job for instance - I get really restless and start feeling like there has to be something better. I'm feeling that more and more now. Thing is, I like my job and the people I work with and I get paid a good salary to do it. I also know that the agency I work for values my input and trusts me to get the job done. All in all, a tasty position - one the most people would be saisfied with. But for me, I feel each day is the same, over and over again. I'm starting to lose what it was that drew me into it in the first place. I'm starting to feel like I want to move onto something else, some place else. I am in a rut.

All of this leads me to high stress and depression. I wish I could earn a living doing something more creative, more exciting. I just don't know what that would be or where to look for it. So, I stay and feel myself slipping perilously close to resenting all of it.

Maybe it's winter... maybe it's me. I don't know. I just know that I hate it. And I also know that I have to be very careful not to act rashly in case this is a passing phase.

Deep thoughts...

Today at work I was hit smack in the face by an emergency of the fiscal kind right when I walked in the door. That, of course, gave me the head ache from hell.

First, let me say, I am a social worker. I do social work. If I wanted to be an accountant I would have paid more attention to Mrs. Law in math class. I didn't so I am a social worker. The agency I work for is contracted to do social work by a large Care Management Organization which has an enormous fiscal department that should be able to handle the fiscal end of things. We have contracted with this CMO since last February and so far every single fiscal fiasco that happens somehow ends up in my lap to fix. The fact that they are relying on me for this should scare the crap out of them. What I do is supervise case management. The fiscal activity for that involves us doing our jobs and submitting a bill to them - the end. Last month, my case management unit billed $120,000 worth of case management revenue for the agency. Today we got our payment from the CMO. They paid only $39,000. They listed case by case those hours they denied payment for and sent it to my boss. So, of course, he brought it to me. I spent all morning checking the billing system and none of the reasons they gave made any sense. I then spent the next two hours on the phone with someone in the fiscal office trying to make sense of it. She couldn't make sense of it either. I then took it to her supervisor who also failed to make sense of it. By three o'clock I had spent the entire day immersed in numbers - adding, subtracting, multiplying, and tearing my hair out. In the end, all that was agreed was that there was a problem somewhere. I could have told them that in the first ten minutes and saved myself the migraine.

I am a social worker. I just want to do social work. And it's getting the point where the more of this fiscal crap I have to deal with the more I want to just walk away.

I am a social worker. That's all.

Are you friggan' kidding me?

New York Giants WON???

After they screwed up TWO field goals???

Really???

There is no joy in Cheeseland...

It's creeping up on me...

As if the realization that Alex is leaving for Sweden tomorrow wasn't enough, it just dawned on me that I will have to return to work in two days. Talk about adding insult to injury. I really was able to forget about work for this entire time that Alex was here. I got a couple of work related calls and each one sort of took me by surprise but once they were done - pffft! Out of my brain entirely! This phenomena has happened only once before in my life. That was last summer when I spent a month in Stockholm. I didn't think of work even once! All of this leads me to believe that I am meant to be there permanently.

It's taken me a long time to learn how to leave work at work at the end of the day. I still bring it home, in my thoughts, in my dreams. I have many sleepless nights worrying about it so when I get these times where I don't think of it even once, well...w00t!! For me, that is a milestone.

I know that I will go back on Monday to a mountain of stuff that no one else could figure out how to do while I was gone. There will be meetings scheduled for me that I will have to attend. There will be much catching up to do. And I will be all kinds of bitter for having to go back to it all and so sad that Alex is not here anymore. It will probably be best if people stayed clear of me for a few days. Just a word of warning.

Incredible Shrinking Me

I came home tonight feeling very small. Worn out and beat down from all the day to day stuff that just takes a toll out of me. There's no one thing that made me feel this way. Rather, it is the constant grind of endless days being somewhere I don't want to be and doing something that, though I love, can become so much repetition and tedium.

I decided the best way to deal with this feeling was to just give in to it. So, I spent the evening cleaning, rearranging and trying to make some order in my ordinarily unordered living space. That in itself is an uphill battle and, truth be told, it didn't make me feel any better. The bigger part of me wants to wallow in this self pity but that annoying little voice inside screams out, "Snap out of it!" I hate that voice but I know it's right...

Just get on with it already....

The Behinder I Get

Ever have one of those days? The kind of day when all emotion and stress comes crashing into each other in a massive 12 car pile up and there's nothing you can do about it but ride the wave and hope for the best. Yeah, those days. Like today.