The Power of J.

J. sat on the edge of the wooden wall when I entered the building this morning. It was snowing out and had been for hours. Not cold, mind you, but wet and snowy. It was too early to open the office doors so I had to let him sit there for another 30 minutes. Consequences...

J. was wearing the same baggy flannel pajama bottoms he always wore lately and a pair of fairly new, bright white sneakers. His parka was warm but old and dirty. His hair was just as dishevelled and his eyes had that always wild look. At 7:30 I opened the door and he blew past me to use the men's room.

J. has schizophrenia, paranoid type. He lives in a tiny apartment with a room mate he barely knows. Someone put there for convenience sake and to help him pay the rent. The room mate is also diagnosed with schizophrenia and he drinks. J. comes in everyday to get his daily medications. Most days he's quiet and kind but sometimes he is surly and angry. On those days he lets us know he does not wish to speak to anyone and, also on those days, his ability to take his medications is hit or miss. Sometimes he throw them away. On the dark days, J. is scary at first glance. He appears almost larger than he actually is, his dark eyes glaring and his mood so angry that one automatically knows to step back and let him be. He has been known to raise his voice at these times, and swear, and sometimes knock over a chair or two. At his home, he screams to the voices in his head and punched holes in the walls. He's been evicted many times over. He may be on his last landlord right now. Some people see his use of this intimidation as a manipulative behavior to get what he wants. I see it as a survival mechanism he has learned throughout his troubled life.

Years of homelessness has taught him to be street smart and to find safety in the quiet of the night. Even though he now has a place to live he will still often wake up in the wee hours and simply walk the streets of Kenosha. He feels at home there. He has stolen to get by. His most recent incident was opening an unlocked car door to try to get a radio. It was something to be sold so he could buy some beer...or food. Because when you are the poorest of the poor stealing to buy beer or food is always a possibility. One thing he would never do is hurt someone. Holes in walls - yes. Holes in people - no. In spite of his dark side, I have seen him do incredible acts of kindness.

He had a friend who had cancer. When he heard that his friend's insurance would no longer pay for his nutritional supplements he came to me to ask if there was anything I could do to help him. He knew his friend was dying and needed this nutrition. Kindness, in spite of his mental illness.

Occasionally, he drinks. When that happns he is savvy enough (or foolish enough) to go off his psychiatric medications. The combination of psych meds and alcohol can be deadly and he doesn't want to die. So he stops taking the meds and drinks for a few days which sends him into a downward spiral and deeper into his own head. He doesn't want to speak to anyone during these times. Yet, he still comes around. Still touching base to make sure he is safe and grounded in his own way. Eventually, he stops drinking and starts taking his meds again and we'll have a time of the good and happy J.

We have an annual holiday party here. I have a great photo of J. singing carols with the karaoke machine. That's something no one thought we'd ever see. I admire J. greatly. The struggles this man has had would lay out most of us. Living so far below the poverty level would shut the best of us down. We would lose our hope. And while I can't say that J. is full of hope I can say that he is a remarkable testament to the human spirit because in spite of his illness, his poverty, his addictions, his alienation, the stigma, the smell, the filth, the holes in the wall, the evictions, and the medications - he goes on. He goes on and still has the heart to look out for someone else once in awhile. We should all be more  like him.