Time enough to say good bye...

It's hard to know how to feel when someone passes away. Surely, when it is a loved one, there is grief. Memories tinged with sorrow. But when it's someone that should have been a loved one but never got the chance, there are feelings of regret for never having known that person well.

My mother-in-law passed away last night.

My introduction to my mother-in-law actually came years before I ever met my husband. I had recently graduated from UW-Parkside and had just gotten my first real acting gig doing Shakespeare three times per day at the Ren Faire. I was planning to move to Chicago at the end of the year and, for some reason, I decided to go take some additional classes in Early Childhood Ed. just in case my newly acquired liberal arts education failed me. I had a great teacher! She had an enthusiasm for the subject matter that was infectious and it was apparent that she loved teaching little kids. She also was a wealth of information and used some very deep material in her class. One of the books she used was all about play and how children use play as a means of communication and learning. It was a fascinating book! I still have it on my shelf now.

Flash forward to 2005, I am a part of a music website and starting to write lyrics and collaborate with other musicians there. My then husband introduces me to the music of this incredibly talented young man from Sweden and we begin working together with two other musician buddies - Brady and Joel - and we create a web based band called Wilhemina Murray's Revenge. As we're working, Alex and I also create this strong and amazing friendship. We talk by phone and on computer about many things and one of the first things he tells me is about his family. He tells me his mother - Gunilla Lindqvist - was a teacher, a lecturer, a researcher and writer who wrote these books about childhood development, in particular, the use of play as a means of communication and learning. I was floored! This was the same book that I had read and used before in my class! What a freaking coincidence that I would now be friends with her son! So neatly strange!

Later, as my first marriage fell apart and divorce was inevitable, I relied on Alex to process all my feelings and hurt and pain and shame and regret and all those other horrible things one feels during those dark times. We grew closer and closer and one day realized that despite our age difference, we were in love. Alex first came here to the US for a few days. I eagerly and nervously awaited his arrival. I was a basket case! But we knew in the first few moments that we were doing the right thing. He came back to the US a couple of weeks later and stayed longer. I went there and met his family which was no small feat because there are a lot of them! I also got to meet his mother.

Gunilla, unfortunately and sadly, had developed a very early, very rare form of frontal lobe dementia which started in her 50s. She was no longer able to live at home because Jan, my father-in-law, was unable to take care of her. She often wandered away from the house not knowing how to get back and Jan's eyesight made it impossible to go out and find her. She was now living in an assisted living home in Karlstad and that's where I met her. She looked at me suspiciously as Alexander introduced me. It was clear she had no idea who I was or why I was there. Yet she smiled sweetly and I got the feeling that in another place and time we might have become close.

Over the years, her condition grew worse and she was bedridden and had to have nutrition by tube. We visited her last time we were in Sweden and she smiled just as sweetly at all of us. I was so impressed with the care she was receiving in the home. She looked healthy and happy. She beamed at Alex and I'm convinced she recognized him even though she hadn't seen him in over a year. Lat week, she became ill and her poor body couldn't fight it. She passed away peacefully with her other children there.

I know how close Alex and his mother were and I know he's very sad today. But as he told me, he is very stoic and that's the truth. I'm also very sad today. I wish I would have had time to get to know Gunilla. Not the Gunilla we visited, lying in her bed and smiling, but the feisty Gun
illa that I have heard about from both Alex and Jan. I would have been honored to speak with someone so brilliant, so passionate, who made terribly hard decisions based on love and a need to be herself. I think we would have gotten along well. I would have liked to have told her that her life's work, her book, had a profound effect on a young teacher and how other teacher's were using it to teach new teachers as well. I think she would have liked that. I miss that I didn't have the chance to know her.

Our first encounter - Alex, Gunilla and Jan.