Time enough to say good bye...

It's hard to know how to feel when someone passes away. Surely, when it is a loved one, there is grief. Memories tinged with sorrow. But when it's someone that should have been a loved one but never got the chance, there are feelings of regret for never having known that person well.

My mother-in-law passed away last night.

My introduction to my mother-in-law actually came years before I ever met my husband. I had recently graduated from UW-Parkside and had just gotten my first real acting gig doing Shakespeare three times per day at the Ren Faire. I was planning to move to Chicago at the end of the year and, for some reason, I decided to go take some additional classes in Early Childhood Ed. just in case my newly acquired liberal arts education failed me. I had a great teacher! She had an enthusiasm for the subject matter that was infectious and it was apparent that she loved teaching little kids. She also was a wealth of information and used some very deep material in her class. One of the books she used was all about play and how children use play as a means of communication and learning. It was a fascinating book! I still have it on my shelf now.

Flash forward to 2005, I am a part of a music website and starting to write lyrics and collaborate with other musicians there. My then husband introduces me to the music of this incredibly talented young man from Sweden and we begin working together with two other musician buddies - Brady and Joel - and we create a web based band called Wilhemina Murray's Revenge. As we're working, Alex and I also create this strong and amazing friendship. We talk by phone and on computer about many things and one of the first things he tells me is about his family. He tells me his mother - Gunilla Lindqvist - was a teacher, a lecturer, a researcher and writer who wrote these books about childhood development, in particular, the use of play as a means of communication and learning. I was floored! This was the same book that I had read and used before in my class! What a freaking coincidence that I would now be friends with her son! So neatly strange!

Later, as my first marriage fell apart and divorce was inevitable, I relied on Alex to process all my feelings and hurt and pain and shame and regret and all those other horrible things one feels during those dark times. We grew closer and closer and one day realized that despite our age difference, we were in love. Alex first came here to the US for a few days. I eagerly and nervously awaited his arrival. I was a basket case! But we knew in the first few moments that we were doing the right thing. He came back to the US a couple of weeks later and stayed longer. I went there and met his family which was no small feat because there are a lot of them! I also got to meet his mother.

Gunilla, unfortunately and sadly, had developed a very early, very rare form of frontal lobe dementia which started in her 50s. She was no longer able to live at home because Jan, my father-in-law, was unable to take care of her. She often wandered away from the house not knowing how to get back and Jan's eyesight made it impossible to go out and find her. She was now living in an assisted living home in Karlstad and that's where I met her. She looked at me suspiciously as Alexander introduced me. It was clear she had no idea who I was or why I was there. Yet she smiled sweetly and I got the feeling that in another place and time we might have become close.

Over the years, her condition grew worse and she was bedridden and had to have nutrition by tube. We visited her last time we were in Sweden and she smiled just as sweetly at all of us. I was so impressed with the care she was receiving in the home. She looked healthy and happy. She beamed at Alex and I'm convinced she recognized him even though she hadn't seen him in over a year. Lat week, she became ill and her poor body couldn't fight it. She passed away peacefully with her other children there.

I know how close Alex and his mother were and I know he's very sad today. But as he told me, he is very stoic and that's the truth. I'm also very sad today. I wish I would have had time to get to know Gunilla. Not the Gunilla we visited, lying in her bed and smiling, but the feisty Gun
illa that I have heard about from both Alex and Jan. I would have been honored to speak with someone so brilliant, so passionate, who made terribly hard decisions based on love and a need to be herself. I think we would have gotten along well. I would have liked to have told her that her life's work, her book, had a profound effect on a young teacher and how other teacher's were using it to teach new teachers as well. I think she would have liked that. I miss that I didn't have the chance to know her.

Our first encounter - Alex, Gunilla and Jan. 

This Thanksgiving...

I know I have a lot to be thankful for in my life. I always have. I wouldn't consider myself wealthy by any means but I am blessed. I have an incredible family. This year it is even more present in my mind how important they are to me because, this year, I was not able to celebrate Thanksgiving with them. Now let me explain, this isn't the first time I have been without family at Thanksgiving. I spent one Thanksgiving in Sweden with Alex's family. Even though they don't celebrate this holiday they politely indulged me while I cooked a turkey with all the trimmings for them. My own family celebrated at home without me but even then I didn't feel this sense of missing out as I do this year.

Last weekend I came down with a cold. As I ran around getting what I would need to make one of the traditional turkeys I could feel this cold coming on. Sniffles, congestion, slight cough - it was coming. Over the next day or two it worsened. Luckily, I had taken this week off from work so I wasn't having to call in sick but if I hadn't there was no way I would have been able to go to work. That's a pet peeve of mine, by the way, people who come to work coughing and hacking who clearly should have stayed home. Anyway, on Wednesday, I cooked a 22 lb. turkey and carved it  up and got it ready to go on Thursday morning. When I went to bed Wednesday night I was still somewhat optimistic that I would be going to my sister's house to celebrate with my family. But, all night on Wednesday, I was forced awake by violent coughing fits which made me have to get up and out of bed to get them under control. By morning, it was clear, I wasn't going anywhere but CVS to get some more cough medication. I called my other sister and she took the turkey and I stayed home with a promise that she would drop off some left overs when she returned. I might have gone and toughed it out but my sister Terry is on medication for her cancer that lowers her immune system. She can't be around anyone with even the slightest cough and I surely don't want to be the one to make her sick!

I've been missing them all day. I know it's silly. I mean it's not like I'm never going to see them again and I also know that these feelings are fueled by my feeling really crappy and sorry for myself. But my family is fun and I know I missing out on some great laughs. And my nieces were bringing their families from Illinois with the little kids. I miss them. And Jenna who is now 21 is home from Marquette University. I miss her! And my nephew was bringing his kids and we hardly ever see them! I miss them too. And my brother in law Ron was coming today and he rarely comes to large family gatherings. I miss him too. And my oldest sister was making oyster dressing at my request and now I'm not there to enjoy it! I'm the only one left in the family that likes it! I want it and I miss it! I miss them all today. Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself and yes, I will see them all again. But these are the people I am most grateful for in my life. All of them. My siblings - Verda, Butch, Kathy, Terry, and Patsy. All of their families and their kids families. Together we are a fun, wild, crazy, loud, opinionated bunch. And I know how blessed I am to be a part of that!

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!