Easter aftermath and moving on...

Easter is a strange holiday for we non-believers. It is mostly a day full of food and chocolate which, in itself, is a good thing. Mine was also filled with way more golf than I would have liked but being a non-golfer forced to watch the Master's Tourney I guess that's to be expected. Still, it was a nice break from the norm and, as I said, there was plenty of good food.

So, now it's another Monday. All of the same worries are still here. Still not sure what's happening with my father in law. He's not well and no one can really say why. We tossed about whether or not we needed to board a plane immediately and go to him but there is really nothing we can do so we wait. And wait. It's maddening. I think it's a very good thing that he is Sweden though. If he were here, he would have been released from the hospital far too soon and his crisis would have escalated and continued in a very bad way. As it is, there is comfort knowing he is being well taken care of and in a safe place. Yet, we worry every day and hope for the best. We are going to have to go there sometime soon. It's just in figuring out when that's the key.

Back at work and met with the usual suspects at the door at 7:00 this morning. So it goes. There's comfort in knowing somethings never change but it's also that unchanging routine that makes me long to get away. I have a vacation request on my desk but I'm not sure if I'm going to turn it in or not. It's there if I need it. I'm feeling like I need it but we'll see.

On the home front, everything is status quo. My mother, who is ailing, is holding her own. She had a good Easter for what that's worth. At least she was with family but she cannot hear and barely speaks so it's difficult to know how much of it she actually enjoyed. Maybe she enjoyed it. She was tired and looked drawn so it's hard to tell. Ah well. Life goes on.

Bogged down...

The stress of work and family worries is catching up with me this week. I'm glad it's a short week. Our agency is closed on Friday for the holiday and that's a very good thing. I spent the better part of the day checking airline ticket prices and car rental prices in Sweden. We're going to have to get over there soon but everything is happening at once and we are just trying to breathe too.

My father in law seems to have had another relapse and they still don't know for sure what's causing these moments of confusion. It's scary being this far away and not really knowing. I know it's taxing Alex because he's been snipping at me all evening and that's not his usual way. We are both stressed and figuring it out as we go.

So, in trying to tread water as best we can, we're looking forward and planning and hoping to get there soon to see how he's doing and what's going on. We'll get there. We have to and I know we'll figure this out.

In the meantime, I have to try to not let this stress bog me down. I need these three days off that are coming my way. I need to get some things done at home and have time to just kick back and relax a bit. We both need that.

Caring from a distance...

It's difficult having family, even extended family, in another country. When something happens that compels me to want to be there to help it kills me to be so far away. Over this weekend, my father in law had a health scare and being thousands of miles away was so hard! Information was coming in slowly and not being there to see him and have some gage on what was happening was maddening. He's fine and will be okay but those first days not knowing were very stressful. Especially on my husband.

I know, having gone through a serious medical upheaval with my mother, that he was going through a lot of scary thoughts and feelings and I felt helpless. As supportive as I tried to be, it wasn't easy and I feel that I wasn't as helpful as I could have been.

One of these days, hopefully sooner rather than later, we will be in a position to finally move to Sweden. It has always been our goal - to live there together. It's a huge undertaking and one we can't just jump into lightly. But until then, we have to hope for the best and hope everyone there stays safe and healthy.

Winding down...

This year has been an incredible roller coaster full of ups and downs and loop de loops. Some of it has been exciting and very good. Some of it has been stressful and very sad.

Last year, my mother made the decision to move in with my sister and her family. In her 90's she was not able to care for her home any longer. She came to this decision on her own and that was a blessing. I've heard horror stories of families having to force their elderly parents out of their homes leaving them traumatized and angry. Mom decided this for herself in her own time. It was also a blessing that she was there with my sister last Christmas Eve because that was the day, while getting ready for our Christmas Eve get together, she suddenly had a stroke. That was the event that defined how the next 12 months would be.

Initially, we were hopeful, yet scared. Mom did all the therapy asked of her and tried very hard to regain her movement and language skills. But, at 93, it was too much for her. For the next 12 months she showed a steady decline and now can barely speak anything that makes sense. She eats very little and so has lost an enormous amount of weight and the pressure of her bones against her thin skin has left her riddled with sores that will not heal. She is assisted in every aspect of her life - eating, dressing, toileting and communicating. This frustrates and tires her out. My sister, who is an angel, patiently altered her own life to become my mother's chief care giver. She has made the journey from task master - getting my mother to cooperate with therapy - to gentle companion - making mom as comfortable as she can. My mom is on the end of her life rope and it's been painful watching her natural decline. She never wanted this end for herself but she is tolerating it with quiet wisdom and deep faith. One of these days, her God will bless her and finally take her. It will be a blessing for us all.

Also this year, another person in my life had been fighting the good fight against cancer and leukemia. My brother in law's cousin was diagnosed with breast cancer last year and underwent treatment that ravaged her health and took her hair. She made it through and triumphed over the cancer, started growing her hair back and started living again. Her victory was short lived because shortly after she was diagnosed with leukemia. Still not 100% after the initial cancer treatment, she began treatment for the leukemia. Apparently, it didn't work. Judy passed away Sunday morning. She was 62.

Those were the low points of the year. But the year wasn't all low because this year my family welcomed the birth of four new babies - Isaac, Logan, Chelsea and Indy. Our family continues to grow and, in spite of our losses and sadness, we have had many chances to celebrate with great joy.

I guess such is life. We cannot know the good times if we do not experience the bad. We would have nothing to compare it to. So, we say good bye to those we loved and will love forever and hello to new souls who will fill our dark days with smiles and laughter. Such is life. And life is good.

My holiday weekend and wasn't much of a holiday...

As much as I love Christmas, this Christmas was one I would have rather have missed altogether. On Christmas Eve, my mom had a stroke. She was found on the floor of her bathroom by my sister and rushed to the ER. Luckily, she was found in the necessary three hour window that made it possible to start the TPA treatment. This treatment is crucial to seeing improvement in stroke patients. However, given her advanced age, we were told that there was also a 50/50 chance this treatment could make her bleed internally and that, if she did, it would be fatal. Knowing that, we let them start treatment. Also knowing my mom would never want to live in the condition she was in on that day. She was then taken to Froedtert Hospital where she spent two night in the ICU.

I spent the rest of the weekend going up to Froedtert and each time there were noticeable improvements. Small improvements but improvements none the less. She cannot use her right side. She can lift her right arm but cannot direct it to do anything but the day before she wasn't even able to lift it. She can speak but it's not really what she wants to say. Words come out and she gets frustrated because she cannot express herself. Still, she can speak! She cannot swallow. She failed two swallow studies so they are going to insert a G-tube so they can feed her. And she will have a stent put in her neck to relieve the blockage that caused the clot which caused the stroke.

Her color is good and she does understand what happened and knows where she is. So, we'll take this one day at a time. Our hopes are that once she is released she will go to Brookside here in Kenosha for some rehab and then, hopefully, back to my sister's house where she will be more comfortable.

All in all, this Christmas was stressful and sad and never ending. But, we're all here. And we're all alive. And each day brings something else to feel hopeful about. That being said, I know that I have the best family in the world and the most caring friends. And I know I have the strongest mom in the world so even at 93 years old and struggling to get through this her faith and inner strength will take her far.

Good news? Bad news??

My sister got the results of her recent PET Scan. The cancer has spread to her pelvis, ribs, lungs and one shoulder. That's the bad news.

She has to have some more blood tests done tomorrow to see if her particular type of cancer is estrogen related. If it is, then she won't have to have intravenous chemo but rather would take pills and get an injection of bone strengthening medication every two weeks. So, she wouldn't lose her hair or have the usual sickness that comes with chemo. That's the good news.

She was also told that her cancer didn't just appear overnight but has been with her a long time now. She hadn't been to a doctor in many years before this and so they couldn't catch it earlier. She was also told that no matter the treatment the best they can do is hope to prolong her life. She is incurable. That's the worst news.

They can't tell her how long "prolonged" may be. That will all depend on how effective the treatments are and if the tumors shrink. Her husband is upset that she didn't go to a doctor sooner. Her daughter is distraught at knowing she is losing her mother. I am torn between seizing my life and living it to it's fullest and facing what will be the greatest loss of my life. I feel guilty for my moments of happiness and sad that she may not be here to share them with me.

But we are going on. My family is planning our Thanksgiving holidays and then Christmas and beyond. We're getting up, going to work, talking with friends and doing all the things normal people do. But this isn't normal. This is wrong. Because what we really want to do is scream and cry and hit something...hard. But Terry is forever optimistic. So what right do we have to be otherwise? My other sister thinks she is in denial. But I think she knows there is nothing good to come from shutting down and shutting out life. So she goes on. And that is the lesson of strength we will all learn from her.

Panic is setting in...

My sister went to see the surgeon today. She came home and came to personally tell me the news. It's not good. She has Stage 4 breast cancer. If you don't know what that means, let me explain. Cancer is categorized in stages from 1-4. One being the easiest to cure meaning they caught it early and know what to do with it. The curability lessens with each stage and the survival rate diminishes. There is no Stage 5.

Stage 4 means that her cancer has metastasized which means it's spread to other parts of her body. Right now they think it's in her lymph nodes but Stage 4 can also spread to the bones, liver, lungs and brain. Her recent blood work and liver enzymes all came back negative so there's a good chance it hasn't spread into her bones or liver. She will be having a PET Scan on Thursday and seeing the oncologist for the first time. He will likely start her on a very aggressive course of chemotherapy. They hope to shrink the tumors and stop their growth. Then she will have a double mastectomy. And more chemo and radiation - most likely for the rest of her life. Prognosis for Stage 4 could be a little as 6 months or it could be 12 years or more. There's no way to tell and won't be for a very long time.

She's being remarkably stoic through all of this while those around her are trying their hardest to remain calm and strong and supportive. I kept it together until she left and then I completely lost it.

My sister Terry is very important to me. Though I love all my sibs, I am closest to her. She is the kindest, most caring, most generous person ever and the idea that she will be going through this is unthinkable. She is only 58 years old and has a whole lot more life to live. I tell her I love her at the end of every phone conversation I have with her or whenever we are parting company. And I do. With all of my heart.