The Tweeners...

Halloween has come and gone. For the first time in a long time, Kenosha allowed trick or treating to happen on the actual date of Halloween, Oct. 31 and at night. When I was a kid trick or treating was always in the evening and it was always a blast. Then, sometime in the mid-80s, rumors abounded about mad men stealing children or kids getting abducted and forced to eat razor bladed candy or some such nonsense. I don't think any of it was based in fact but the media made such a stink of it that parents and town councils everywhere lost their nut and made kids trick or treat on the Sunday before Halloween in broad daylight. There was something not right about that.

So it was with great anticipation, my sister and I dressed up and sat out in the rain to hand out mini-Snickers bars and SweetTarts to the throngs of costumed children. And I do mean throngs! We had more kids in the dark than we ever had during the daylight hours...even in the rain! It was fantastic and we, once again, had a blast.

And so today...November 1 begins the time that I call The Tweeners. Its the short but perilous time before the tsunami of holidays hits us in the kisser. It's the time we start coasting down the hill to the big rush. For me, it's the time of making mental notes of what I need to begin planning for, purchasing and doing over the next 20-something days. Eventually, the mental notes become actual notes that are compartmentalized into useful groups like "Groceries", "Gifts" and "Decorations". And, for me, these Tweener days, are days of pure excitement because anyone who knows me knows that this is MY time of year. I love the end of year holidays more than I can say! I love everything about them and most of the time it's in the silliest emotional way possible. I love making the Thanksgiving turkey. I love donating food and other goods to local shelters. I love being with my friends and family. I love decorating my apartment, putting up the tree, pulling out the ornaments that have been handed down to me from my mother. I love sitting in the glow of the tree with the room dark and listening to carols. I am that Christmas girl! That holiday spirit stays with me right through the end of the year when we quietly wish for peace and good will as the New Year stars light the sky.

So, as I head into the Tweeners, this wonderful time between Halloween and the New Year, I feel the joy of what is to come and the awe of what possibilities there may be! I wish I could give this feeling to everyone because I know that not everyone sees this time of year as I do. Most people feel stressed and depressed which, I think, is sadly because they don't truly understand the meaning of these holidays. This time, these holidays, are not about status symbols or finding the perfect gift These holidays are all about looking deep inside ourselves and reaching out to others without wanting anything in return. When you figure that out, you'll know it! Because it's the best feeling in the world!

What to feel...

It's hard to know what to feel these days. I mean, as you know, my mother is dying. I go to work everyday and deal with other people's problems. I can't say as I am upset all day. I'm really not. I get through it and even manage to have some laughs. I come home to my loving hubby and we have a good time relaxing or reading or going out for a Mocha Frappe...just normal stuff. And I really enjoy it. I got over to my sister's to see my mom. I talk to her for a minute or two and then she waves me away so she can sleep again.

In my heart, I know I will fall apart when she finally closes her eyes that last time. In my head, I wish she would take that last breath and go peacefully into the next adventure. And I don't know how to feel when I see her in pain and unhappy and deep down I am wishing she would just go already. She is suffering and even though I know my thoughts are coming from a good place, I just don't know how to feel about secretly wishing my mother would pass away. It seems wrong but I know it is right.

I get sad sometimes. And Alex pointed out that I seem quiet at times. I guess I do. I don't mean to. It just comes and goes.
Other times I am very happy. I celebrate this strong woman's life and think of all the great lessons she taught me and all the wonderful times we've had. I love her. For everything she is, everything she gave me, everything she taught me. She deserves a celebration.

Still...how do you tell someone you love that it's time to let go and it's okay to surrender? How do you tell someone to go ahead and die? And even though, deep down, you know it's the right thing, how the hell are you supposed to feel about wishing every night that this night will be her last?