What to feel...

It's hard to know what to feel these days. I mean, as you know, my mother is dying. I go to work everyday and deal with other people's problems. I can't say as I am upset all day. I'm really not. I get through it and even manage to have some laughs. I come home to my loving hubby and we have a good time relaxing or reading or going out for a Mocha Frappe...just normal stuff. And I really enjoy it. I got over to my sister's to see my mom. I talk to her for a minute or two and then she waves me away so she can sleep again.

In my heart, I know I will fall apart when she finally closes her eyes that last time. In my head, I wish she would take that last breath and go peacefully into the next adventure. And I don't know how to feel when I see her in pain and unhappy and deep down I am wishing she would just go already. She is suffering and even though I know my thoughts are coming from a good place, I just don't know how to feel about secretly wishing my mother would pass away. It seems wrong but I know it is right.

I get sad sometimes. And Alex pointed out that I seem quiet at times. I guess I do. I don't mean to. It just comes and goes.
Other times I am very happy. I celebrate this strong woman's life and think of all the great lessons she taught me and all the wonderful times we've had. I love her. For everything she is, everything she gave me, everything she taught me. She deserves a celebration.

Still...how do you tell someone you love that it's time to let go and it's okay to surrender? How do you tell someone to go ahead and die? And even though, deep down, you know it's the right thing, how the hell are you supposed to feel about wishing every night that this night will be her last?

A pause for self appreciation...

In social work, one thing you learn early on is that it is very rare when anyone stops to say thank you for anything you've done for them. It's a gift to know you're doing something good and it has meaning and to let that be enough. Occasionally though there are days when others point out that what you do is important and necessary and valued. For me, today was one of those days.

As the final months of my job loom ahead, my immediate boss has let me know that he is working out some sort of plan so that I can remain employed at this agency where I have put in my very best for the last 15 years. Though I trust him implicitly I also know that he is not the final say in this matter so I am keeping my options open, hoping for the best and cautiously awaiting whatever comes. I decided to take this time to rev up my resume making it look better and up to date. I contacted some of the partner agencies I've worked with over the years and asked them to write a letter of reference for me to attach to my resume. Of the five agency presidents I've asked all five gave me an overwhelming yes AND all five have made job offers. Even though I'm intent on staying where I am those offers were generous and made me feel so valued. It was the best kind of thank you possible.

This afternoon, the Executive Director of my agency (my boss' boss - the big man)stopped by my office to chat. This is something he does quite often and normally the chats are casual, weather, sports, books and whatnot. Today he told me that he had heard that I was working on my resume. He said he wanted me to know one thing he's learned over the years. He said, "when you find someone of value, someone smart, someone who "gets" what this agency is all about, someone who will, without fail, take on challenges and come up with brilliant ideas that work, you hold onto those people whatever the cost". He told me that he intends to make sure that there will be a position for me at this agency for as long as I want it. And he went on to say that it would be a position worthy of my skills and intelligence and not just some odd job put together to retain me.

Well hot damn! I can tell you that for the rest of this night my ego was barely controllable. THAT was the biggest thank you I have ever received from anyone. It makes me feel so needed and wanted and appreciated. After 15 years, all the stress, the good times and the bad, the comings and goings of other staff, the changes in programs and clients and people and procedures, all of it just melted away and for the first time I actually realized (and dared to tell myself) that I am worth it. So...yeah for me!! And here's to whatever new challenges come my way.

I'm just a little ray of sunshine...

So, Monday... just a day with nothing but bad news from all fronts. Bad news from Sweden...bad news here at home. There must be a little rain cloud hovering over me these days. I seem to have crawled my way out of the funk of the last few days but things are conspiring to keep me down. Weird...