That's me in the corner...losing my religion....

Last week there was a  long article in the local paper about Catholic priests from this area who have been identified as pedophiles and documents showing how the archdiocese handled the allegations oh these many years. The consensus is they didn't handle it well but rather, like other diocese across the US, simply closed the shutters and moved the offenders around from parish to parish. It's sickening and disheartening.

I grew up Catholic. I have fond memories of attending Catholic school and even fond memories of many of the religious teachers - both nuns and priests - I have had. I do appreciate the basic tenants I learned being raised Catholic but, alas, I can honestly say that I am no longer a Catholic. In fact, I don't even believe in God anymore. Well, not the portrayal of God as I had been taught to know him. My disbelief came way before the alleged pedophilia hit the fan. You see, growing up, my mom always told me that whenever I was in need I could call on God and he would be there for me. Then, something bad happened to me. Something I haven't ever really even told my family about because the circumstances would tear them apart. But while it was happening I remembered what my mom had said and I called on him. Over and over again. And the bad thing happened anyway and it's taken me years to come to terms with it. And it's taken me years to realize that, for me, God wasn't there - and isn't here now. For me, he doesn't exist.

I don't judge others who still believe. I think we all have to come to our own spirituality one way or another and if organized religion and the Bible are what they believe that's fine. I realized recently that though I don't believe in God I am not actually an atheist. At least I don't think so. I have discovered my spirituality in my world - the lake, the wind, blue skies, a storm, a breeze - it's all there. There is peace in it. And I do pray but in a very different way now. I find myself calling on my own inner voice. My inner self that gives me peace, strength, a kick in the pants, wisdom and other much needed guidance. I realized it's all been there, inside me, all along. God, or spirituality, to me is not some enigma to be feared or in awe of but rather it's the quiet place inside each of us that guides us to be better people.

I have a friend who was also raised a Catholic. We attended grade school together. She's had a rough life of addiction and a journey to recovery that has been amazing. During her journey, she discovered her Native American roots and the deeply spiritual ways of her ancestral people. When I see her now, she's at peace with herself, her addictions, her life and has a wisdom about her that I admire so much. Maybe when we stop worrying so much about what we believe and we act on what we feel and know to be true, the world can heal. And all will be right at last.

30 Letters in 30 Days...Day 28. someone that changed your life

Dear Lee,
You were the best teacher I ever had. You instilled in me a love of the theatre and the knowledge that I had certain skills, acting skills, that were actually good! You gave me confidence and understanding. You were tough on me when you needed to be and soft when I needed you to be.

Your enthusiasm for acting and the theatre was contagious and I was like a sponge...so eager to learn. I know that you gave me chances I wouldn't have gotten at other schools or with other professors. And, above all, you were a friend.

I don't act that much anymore. Not at all for the last few years, but, I use the techniques you taught me every single day in so many ways. Because what you taught me was an effective way to communicate with as many different and varied people as possible. Priceless lesson that! One that changed my life, gave me confidence and wings.

I will always be grateful to you for that!

With love,
Mary Beth