That's me in the corner...losing my religion....

Last week there was a  long article in the local paper about Catholic priests from this area who have been identified as pedophiles and documents showing how the archdiocese handled the allegations oh these many years. The consensus is they didn't handle it well but rather, like other diocese across the US, simply closed the shutters and moved the offenders around from parish to parish. It's sickening and disheartening.

I grew up Catholic. I have fond memories of attending Catholic school and even fond memories of many of the religious teachers - both nuns and priests - I have had. I do appreciate the basic tenants I learned being raised Catholic but, alas, I can honestly say that I am no longer a Catholic. In fact, I don't even believe in God anymore. Well, not the portrayal of God as I had been taught to know him. My disbelief came way before the alleged pedophilia hit the fan. You see, growing up, my mom always told me that whenever I was in need I could call on God and he would be there for me. Then, something bad happened to me. Something I haven't ever really even told my family about because the circumstances would tear them apart. But while it was happening I remembered what my mom had said and I called on him. Over and over again. And the bad thing happened anyway and it's taken me years to come to terms with it. And it's taken me years to realize that, for me, God wasn't there - and isn't here now. For me, he doesn't exist.

I don't judge others who still believe. I think we all have to come to our own spirituality one way or another and if organized religion and the Bible are what they believe that's fine. I realized recently that though I don't believe in God I am not actually an atheist. At least I don't think so. I have discovered my spirituality in my world - the lake, the wind, blue skies, a storm, a breeze - it's all there. There is peace in it. And I do pray but in a very different way now. I find myself calling on my own inner voice. My inner self that gives me peace, strength, a kick in the pants, wisdom and other much needed guidance. I realized it's all been there, inside me, all along. God, or spirituality, to me is not some enigma to be feared or in awe of but rather it's the quiet place inside each of us that guides us to be better people.

I have a friend who was also raised a Catholic. We attended grade school together. She's had a rough life of addiction and a journey to recovery that has been amazing. During her journey, she discovered her Native American roots and the deeply spiritual ways of her ancestral people. When I see her now, she's at peace with herself, her addictions, her life and has a wisdom about her that I admire so much. Maybe when we stop worrying so much about what we believe and we act on what we feel and know to be true, the world can heal. And all will be right at last.

Easter and other like days....

I'm not a religious person. I tried to be at one time in my life. I was born into a Catholic family and have had nearly all the Catholic Blessed Sacraments. I sang in the church choir, served on the liturgical committee and the Human Service committee at my church. I made banners and decorated and kept vigils. I was into it for a while. But then I realized I was into it for the wrong reasons. I wasn't into it because I felt connected to it in any way. I was doing it for my Mom. Now, that in itself might seem like an okay reason but when you're talking about the subject of faith and fervent beliefs, I think there should be more meat to that bone. When I stopped to really meditate and think about it, there was a lot of things that organized religion did and still does that I absolutely cannot agree with. And I saw no way to pull it into the new age so that is when I knew I had to part company and find my own way.

And now it is Easter. Easter is a very special time for all Christians. The resurrection of the Messiah is what they've all been waiting for and this Holy Week, with all it's distinct ceremonies, leads up to the glory of this even nicely. I can appreciate the history and pageantry of it all. But again, I'm left with too many questions to truly believe.

So what do I believe and why do I get into the holidays so much? I mean, most of our celebrated holidays have something to do with Christianity. Christmas, well that's a no brainer...the birth of Jesus. Easter...his death and resurrection. Even Thanksgiving was a celebration to God for getting the Pilgrims through a rough winter. I love the holidays - all of them. And I don't just celebrate them in a secular way either. I find there is meaning in the spirituality of it all. And maybe that's what I believe in. I am a spiritual being. We all are. Whether we define our spirituality with the name of some organized religion or not, we all aspire to a higher being. God? Not sure. For some, God is very real but so is Allah and Krishna and any number of other deities. Certainly, they can't all be wrong. I don't feel the need to identify the higher being. No name needed nor any description or tales of great exploits. This being is within me and everyone I meet. And my prayer is that quiet time I take to just listen to my breathing and the beating of my heart. Each beat, each breath tells me to do good, be calm, take pride, go forward, live, laugh and love. And that is what I do every day but on the holidays it is amplified a hundred fold. The importance of being with those we love, to laugh, to eat, to just be in their presence cannot be stressed enough. It's good for our souls.

So, no matter what you believe or how you celebrate I wish you all a very Happy Easter from the bottom of my heart. I hope your day is filled with new birth and a sweet start to only good things!