Putting it all together...

I had a bit of melt down today. It was the culmination of a lot of things that really stemmed from just one - I woke up today feeling really down on myself. I don't know why that happens but when it happens nothing seems to go right and today was a prime example of that. Every little thing went wrong. I accidentally erased a butt load of songs from my ipod. I somehow lost the apps on my iphone. I had a head ache. I felt fat and ugly and completely worthless. Later in the day I was able to put some perspective on it and started feeling better.

I don't know what it is that makes us be our hardest critics to the point that we get down on ourselves over things we wouldn't in a million years ever put someone else down. We buy into that irrational part of our selves that tell us we're just not good enough and we believe it! It's strange. I guess it comes from me wanting to be just a little better than I am. I don't think that's a bad thing. I think that's a goal to aspire to and see it as an area of personal growth. But when I feel I'm not making any positive strides or something jettisons me back to a time when I felt at my worst, it's hard to crawl back up.

What really helps, and I mean really, especially now when I have so much that is good, no... that is amazingly wonderful in my life, is to think of those great things that make me so happy and realize how cool my life really is. I only have to look around this room once to see how amazing my life is. And, at the end of the day, that's all I need to lift me out of the self destructive ditch I've dug to see the sun light that's been all around me, all along.

Hiding Behind My Private Rock

My friends would probably not believe this but there is so much I keep inside. Oh, I let it out eventually but mostly through writing and then those are the things I never let anyone read. It's cathartic in it's own way, I suppose, but, honestly, I wish I could just tell someone what it is I'm feeling inside. Fear stops me. I know that is what it is because I do fear that what's inside will be met with judgment and advice and that's really not what I need. I just need ears - a good listen and, maybe, some slight reassurance and a touch of validation.

I've said enough. Even writing this much has left me feeling vulnerable and naked.

Terminal Guilt

I have an illness. I think I was born with it and it is incurable. I have this overwhelming feeling of responsibility for everything and everyone in my life. I don't know why I am like this and it is really starting to bother me. I think that most normal people can walk away from situations without being compelled to "fix" them. For some reason, I can't. I feel that anything bad that happens to people in my life is somehow my ultimately my fault and that makes me feel responsible to do something. Rationally, I know that's not true but I got through the gamut of emotions each and every time. I also know that, because I have this illness, I have spent most of my life making decisions that directly and negatively affect my life in order to keep those around me happy.

I think I am making progress though. I have been able to recognize this in myself and, in spite of how guilty it makes me feel, I have been able to keep myself from always stepping in to make things right. But it's difficult...and it hurts.