Dear Me,
You spent a lot of time hurting yourself. Too much time. And you've come a long, long way. But there are things in your past that, when brought up or thought of, make you instantly feel that guilt all over again.
Take your first marriage, for instance. You said "for better or worse" and when it got worse, you got out. Part of you will always feel that you failed. It's okay to forgive yourself for that but you probably never will. Hearts were broken, people got hurt and that was because of your decision to act on your own behalf. Does that make you selfish? Sometimes it feels that way. That's why you can't forgive yourself.
Take growing up, for instance. Some of what happened should never have happened. Certainly, you did nothing to make it happen but you still feel guilty and wrong. Probably always will. You've gone a long way to get over that crap but there is still that seed of guilt that pops up once in a while. It's what makes you feel responsible for the world, taking on other people's problems and trying to counsel everyone but yourself. Let it go already, girl. Just let it go!
Some things have changed for the better though. You're starting to see yourself through the eyes of someone who loves you very much and that has made a huge difference. You still haven't totally forgiven yourself but you are beginning to see that it's possible.
Hang in there, girl. You're getting better. It all takes time. Just breathe...and remember, you can forgive yourself. Whenever you're ready.
Love,
Me
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