Going all introspective and shit...

I don't know what got into me tonight but I just started thinking about what road my life has taken me on for the past couple of years. There has been much to think about.

I used to be all screwed up. Hah! When I think back now on events that took place when I was a child and how I built this impenetrable albeit invisible wall around myself, I wonder how I turned out as normal as I did. In the past two years I have redefined a relationship that, at one time, I genuinely thought was "forever". I have felt incredibly guilty because of that but I also know that the end of that union was for my own survival. I could have stayed. But I know that, if I had, by now I would not be myself. I would have been some lifeless shell of myself just going through the motions day to day. Yet, I still care about that person very much and I only wish good things for him. I know that, no matter what, he will in some way be a part of my life - if only as a dearly loved friend. And you know what? That's enough! Because at the end of the day there will always be respect and kindness there.

Also in the past two years I have seen a new relationship grow into a strong bond of sincere love and caring. In this, I am so happy. This person has awakened that part of me that I thought I had long ago either successfully squelched or had been taken from me. Each day, through all the daily grind, stress and longing, I have always felt us growing closer and stronger together. He has taught me so much though he probably doesn't know it. And the most important thing he's given me is the gift of liking myself again. He's shown me that I can be better. And I will always be grateful to him for that. He doesn't even know how strong he really is and I hope that somehow, over time, I can show him that.

I was also thinking about what I want to have in the future. I know what dreams I have and know that they are not unreachable though they seem so far off. I worry a lot about them. How to make them happen, can I make them happen, will they ever happen?? A while ago, the loved one in my life once told me that we were on a journey and had to make sure that we were taking it together. Not one of us leading and not one of us following but together...side by side. That is my dream. It can all seem a bit daunting as to how to actually do that but I am confident that we'll figure it out.

The last thing I've been thinking about has been my job. I still don't know what it is I want to do with that. So, for now, I'll keep thinking about it. These things have a way of working out somehow and when the time is right something will come to me.

So, deep thoughts...yeah... but no regrets and only hope for what may come.