Climbing that mountain...

Some of the people we work with have co morbidity. This means that they are not only struggling to manage a mental illness but are also deep in the throws of addiction. It's a horrible sight to see when someone is intent on drinking themselves to death. Sorry to be so blunt but that's exactly what they're doing. We offer them all the possible opportunities to start a journey to their recovery. We have an addictions specialist on board. We have Peer Support staff who have "been there, done that" for them to use as mentors. We talk to them every single day about what their lives might be like if they would take that first step.

Yesterday, one of these souls came in, fell twice, was severely dehydrated and refused treatment when we called an ambulance. She stumbled back out to her waiting ride and went home to drink some more. She came in again later, still in bad shape, still refusing to let us help her. But, in good conscience, we had to do something. We actually had to force her to get to an ER by making a refusal on our part. We refused to keep seeing her here if she did not, at least, go to the ER to get checked out. Sometimes this works. This time it did. She went and was admitted to the hospital. I say sometimes this works because the mental illness side of some of these folks wants our help so badly that they will continue to come in spite of their alcohol issues. But, we are also realistic enough to know, in this case, that when she is released to go home she will drink again. It's a slow miserable death.

Alcoholism is treatable but the person has to buy into the idea that there is something inside them that is worth saving. That's the hardest part. So many of the people we see have had their self esteem whittled down throughout their lives that it is almost non-existent. They don't think of themselves as worth anything, let alone life itself. They seek out and endure horribly abusive relationships again and again. You'd be surprised at how many sick individuals are out there that prey on people they can take advantage of and become co-dependent. They get some weird kick out of breaking people down and then being a "hero" by being there to pick them up again only to start that cycle over again.

But we keep trying. It's that hope thing I wrote about previously. We keep trying and hoping and maybe, just maybe, one of them will get it and they can start to make a change.

One word that stands strong in all of us...

The title to this entry is a quote from one of my program participants. He's a guy with a serious mental illness. He talks slow, shuffles along because of his medications, often has the worst hair days, wears a heavy Packer jacket - even in summer. The word he's referring to? Hope.

Today he came in to say hello and I made a comment about the blue sky and the sunshine which had been eluding us for the past week. He said, "Maybe it will warm up today." I replied, "I hope so!"

He thought for a long time, a thoughtful look in his eyes and said, "That's one word that stands strong in all of us."

I know our conversation was about the weather but, at that moment, I knew he was talking about so much more. And I have to tell you, it always give me hope to know that even these down trodden, ill, struggling individuals I work with have a strong sense of hope. Hope that there's something better. Hope that today will be a good day. Hope that someone will give them a smile or a kind hello.

We all have hope. I like that.

The week that was...

They told us this week at work that due to lack of funding and budget cut backs there will be no raises for anyone this year. This is not surprising given the state of the economy and, even more so, the state of human services at this time.

There are things I know to be true. One is, I am better off than all of the people I work with in my job. I have a roof, a nice one at that. I have food, and I don't have to stand in line or beg to get it. I have a car. Yes, it's a crappy Dodge Neon but it's mine, gets me where I need to go, and it's paid for. I have friends and family who love me. I have heat. I have clothing. I have the means to have fun once in a while and go places when I want to. I'm doing okay. The raise thing, while inconvenient, is not going to hurt me all that much.

Another thing I know to be true is, that when there are funding shortages and budget cutbacks, it usually means there is an overwhelming Republican control of our state government. It rarely fails. The first thing to go are the programs that actually help the people who need the most help. As our economy dips, people lose their jobs, their homes, their hope and they turn to us in human services to help them with little things like medical attention, medication, housing, or just a warm place to sleep for one night. It's all done in the name of managing our state debt and balancing our state budget. I get it. I really do. I get that we have to get that stuff under control but does it always have to be at the expense of our poorest poor and our least fortunate? Because it always is. Oh, yeah, we hear on the news about those nifty tax people not giving out incentives to rich folk anymore and that's great! But you know what? The rich people will whine about it for a while and then get over it. Why? Because they are rich! They can get over it. It's the middle classes and working poor that cannot "get over it". It devastates them. Breaks apart their homes and families and makes them lose their dignity and, worst of all, their hope. Without hope, it is nearly impossible to bounce back. Instances of drug and alcohol use increase. Reports of child abuse and domestic violence increase. The number of successful suicides increases. All because there is no hope.

I have 21 referrals for mental health services sitting on my desk right now. TWENTY ONE! And that's a small portion of those that are sitting on a waiting list. These "lucky" 21 only got to my desk because they have state Medical Assistance insurance. The others? They don't. For those our county would have to pay for their services and there is no money to pay so they wait. What are they waiting for? Oh, little things like seeing a psychiatrist, getting on some effective medications, learning viable work and education skills, and getting safe and affordable housing. Things that should be a right, not a privilege.

For me? This lack of a raise won't faze me. I'll be fine. I'll work smarter, not harder and I'll try to figure out a way to generate some income into our programs that might make it possible to take one or two of the luckless folks on the waiting list. I hope that in some small way I can give them some hope too.

One last hurdle...

Tomorrow, Alexander and I have to go back to USCIS in Milwaukee for our final interview. You'd think that all would be said and done by now but no, it's not. This interview is, hopefully, the last step in getting Alex's adjustment of status to permanent resident. In other words, a Green Card.

It's been a long, long process. We started eons ago with the help of an attorney to get the K-1 fiance visa. That first step allowed him to legally come to the US to get married. The government graciously gave us 90 days from his point of entry to get that done. But we did it. Then we had to apply for an Adjustment of Status and an Employment Approval Document (EAD). Concurrently, those two applications alone cost a couple of thousand dollars and had more paperwork than is even imaginable. Not to mention all of the necessary documentation about our relationship and each other. We went it alone this time. No attorney. And thus far, we've done okay. The EAD arrived last month and now we're on to the interview portion of the status adjustment.

We got a list of possible questions off the Internet. It's funny but some people who've done that have written that immigration will ask a million questions and others only had a few questions asked. Since there's no way of knowing what exactly we're in for we have been quizzing each other nightly. Anything from siblings names, school information, describing where we live, explaining all of the times we've travelled to and from Sweden - it's all fair game. They can even ask us about our sex life if they want to. We have no way of knowing exactly what they'll ask so we're preparing for everything.

Needless to say, all of this prep has been very stressful. It's hard to think that even now, nearly 6 months into our marriage, the government could deny this adjustment. On what basis, I don't know, but they could and that, my friends, would suck. Big time.

I've already made up my mind that even though it's a long shot, if his adjustment is not approved and we're told he is illegal I will be moving to Sweden...immediately. Hopefully, it won't come to that and we can continue with our plans to save and get there in our own good time.

Wish us luck. Tomorrow is going to be something...

Uncharacteristically patriotic...

I'm not really much of a flag waver. In fact, because I have so many friends and acquaintances from other countries, I tend to keep my American hubris on the down low. It's not that I am ashamed to be an American. Far from it. But I have to admit our most recent past has tainted the world view on the US and that shadow does fall over us all. And, I have to admit, I agree with the rest of the world's puzzlement and sometimes pure disdain over how we have conducted ourselves in the last 8 years.

But today, as I have witnessed history and seen the light of what is possible, I am uncharacteristically patriotic. I think we all feel we are on the verge of something. Something we feel will be great. And even though the election of the first African American president may have come too late in light of the forward progress of other parts of the world, I am so deeply proud that it has come at last. Growing up in the 60s and 70s I was keenly aware of the great divide between the races here in Kenosha. Now, my own family is comprised of Caucasian, African American, and Asian descent. I have the very personal feeling that this new President truly represents me and mine. And you and yours. I think that's the reason so many people are finding this time in our history so emotional. He is OUR President. A part of us all. And we see that he understands that clearly.

There is a lot of work to be done and, as he said, some of it will take a long time. But we're on the starting line of the great journey and, today of all days, I really feel we have someone who can lead us with confidence and honesty.

Today I am proud to be an American.

Merry Christmas everyone...

I just want to wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a Peaceful New Year. Alex and I are counting down to midnight so we can open our gifts. We're starting early! Haha! Just like a couple of kids, we can't wait and, well, since it's just us - we don't have to wait!!

The cats are sleeping soundly waiting for us to go to sleep so they can further deconstruct the tree. Don't believe me? Here's Brig in her new favorite spot.


Hope you're all warm and safe and with loved ones this holiday season. Here's to a New Year. One full of love and hope and all good things! Skål!

When it rains...

My new found inner peace was destroyed last night with one phone call. One of my sister's has been diagnosed with breast cancer. She is remarkably resilient whilst I am falling apart. I tell myself "one day at a time" but the thoughts of where this could all go keep creeping in. If only she had been to a doctor long before this. If only she had taken better care of herself all these years. If only...

There's no word yet as to how bad this is. The cancer is in both breasts and further tests have to be done to know just what she's up against. Then will come the treatments.

I love her with all my heart. I'll support her as best I can with a buoyancy that I muster from somewhere within. I will turn my head when the tears come so she doesn't see them. I'll remind myself and her to breathe, and live, and laugh as often as we can. I will hope for the best. Please hope for the best too.

Going all introspective and shit...

I don't know what got into me tonight but I just started thinking about what road my life has taken me on for the past couple of years. There has been much to think about.

I used to be all screwed up. Hah! When I think back now on events that took place when I was a child and how I built this impenetrable albeit invisible wall around myself, I wonder how I turned out as normal as I did. In the past two years I have redefined a relationship that, at one time, I genuinely thought was "forever". I have felt incredibly guilty because of that but I also know that the end of that union was for my own survival. I could have stayed. But I know that, if I had, by now I would not be myself. I would have been some lifeless shell of myself just going through the motions day to day. Yet, I still care about that person very much and I only wish good things for him. I know that, no matter what, he will in some way be a part of my life - if only as a dearly loved friend. And you know what? That's enough! Because at the end of the day there will always be respect and kindness there.

Also in the past two years I have seen a new relationship grow into a strong bond of sincere love and caring. In this, I am so happy. This person has awakened that part of me that I thought I had long ago either successfully squelched or had been taken from me. Each day, through all the daily grind, stress and longing, I have always felt us growing closer and stronger together. He has taught me so much though he probably doesn't know it. And the most important thing he's given me is the gift of liking myself again. He's shown me that I can be better. And I will always be grateful to him for that. He doesn't even know how strong he really is and I hope that somehow, over time, I can show him that.

I was also thinking about what I want to have in the future. I know what dreams I have and know that they are not unreachable though they seem so far off. I worry a lot about them. How to make them happen, can I make them happen, will they ever happen?? A while ago, the loved one in my life once told me that we were on a journey and had to make sure that we were taking it together. Not one of us leading and not one of us following but together...side by side. That is my dream. It can all seem a bit daunting as to how to actually do that but I am confident that we'll figure it out.

The last thing I've been thinking about has been my job. I still don't know what it is I want to do with that. So, for now, I'll keep thinking about it. These things have a way of working out somehow and when the time is right something will come to me.

So, deep thoughts...yeah... but no regrets and only hope for what may come.

A strange sense of unrest

It's funny but the more I delve into the things I need to do to make my plans a reality, there is a not unlikable sense of unrest that is occurring. The anticipation builds each day and, even though there is much to be done and much time that will pass before any of this is real, I feel that excited feeling of knowing that something new and good is going to happen.

It's a combination of the fear of the unknown and the knowing how good this will be. I like this feeling... a lot.

Today at work it was driven home to me that my job is becoming something altogether different than the job I signed on for. I guess I can take it but I'm not happy about it. I feel that each day takes me farther away from the original purpose of why I got into social work to begin with. I do less and less of the actual social work each day and I'm watching the general disintegration of how the government views those with disabilities. In an effort to save money, the new catch phrase is "cost effectiveness" which roughly translates to "you think you have options, but we're going to tell you what is the one option we're willing to pay for". Frankly, it sickens me. I keep hoping that, in some way, I can make a difference by being an advocate and speaking up when I see an injustice. I do see that it works sometimes. And I do see that sometimes we CAN get people what they need but it seems like a drop in a bucket most days.

For now, I'll hang on and hope. I've seen a lot of changes in this job over the years so maybe this is just one of those passing phases. Who knows...

Okay, I'm better now....

I think I'm over my initial melancholy at the emptiness I was feeling yesterday when Alex left. There is still that emptiness but I also feel very happy, deep inside, and that makes all the difference in the world.

Though his stay here was short - just two weeks - it was good and felt like it should. That sounds funny, I know, but I just mean that it was very clear that we are to be together and that makes it all so good. So, even though I miss him terribly, I am also one happy girl! I'll deal with the distance for now. We'll fix that when the time is right. And that's really all I have to say about that!

So, on with the new year! Let's make it a good one! Let's not dwell on what we cannot have but rather on those things we will never, ever lose. Because at the end of the day, that is what is the most important of all, isn't it?