Five Things I Am Thankful For...

• 1. My husband. I sometimes sit back and wonder in awe that I have met this incredibly smart, talented, funny, compassionate man and he loves me back and that is so awesome! Alex is amazing and I can't tell him or the world enough.

• 2. My family. My parents did good. They raised good people. And those people raised good people, my siblings. And those good people are starting to raise good people of their own. So much love all around. What an amazing bunch!

• 3. My humor. I work with a lot of heart ache and depression - in situations that try the human spirit. Without a sense of humor it would be all too much. Way too much.

• 4.My health. It could and should be better, I know, but it's a work in progress. I have aches and pains but I am breathing. The struggle is real - but hey, at least I am here to struggle!

• 5.My strength. Even on those days when I would rather not, I get up, I go on. I have to. People rely on me. I can take it. I am Mrs. Kelleher's daughter. My mother taught school for 28 years and in that time only took time off when she had children - literally to give birth. She never called in sick, never took a personal day. She knew those kids relied on her. I am Mrs. Kelleher's daughter. I wish I could say I haven't had a sick day but that's not true. I can say though that I try to get my ass to work on every single day I am able. Knee surgery? Back in the office in 4 weeks rather than 8. Hysterectomy? Back in the office in 2 weeks rather than 6. I'm her daughter! And I must heal pretty fast too! Ha!

Just thinking...

It's an absolutely beautiful Saturday afternoon and I'm just thinking.

Just thinking about how lucky I am. I had kind of a rough week, with work and not sleeping well, but today I am rested and feeling content. I was thinking about what to do today and then started feeling grateful that I had so many options to choose from. I'm thinking there are people in this world who's options are limited.

I'm thinking how cool and amazing it is to be married to someone that I not only love, I genuinely like and want to be around all the time. In fact, I think there is not another person on this earth that I'd rather spend time with. I think that's special. I think there are people out there struggling with their relationships and I think I'm blessed for mine.

I'm thinking that I'm hungry. I just said it out loud and then followed it with, "There's really nothing to eat here." I think that's a lie. I think we have ample food and it's just a matter of me deciding what to make. I think there are people who don't have enough to eat on a daily basis and I think we need to do better to feed them.

I'm thinking there is so much to do today and it's all mine for the choosing. There's a Pike River Rendezvous right up the street from me. Reenactors dressed as traders and Native Americans gather on the shores of Lake Michigan to show how life was back in the fur trader era. It's a good event! I'm also thinking of going to the Racine County Zoo. This little zoo is a short drive from our house and it's such a great little place. They've done wonders giving the animals more realistic enclosures and creating an educational setting for zoo visitors. I think my vote is still out on the efficacy of zoos in general because I believe that animals should be in the wild. But I think I would never get the chance to actually see a giraffe or lion or baboon if zoos didn't exist. I think I am selfish at the expense of the animals.

I'm thinking I've already taken up too much of this beautiful day writing this blog. I think it's time for me to make some decisions and head out! So, I think I'll say good bye now!

What if...

Yesterday I wrote 10 Random Things about ME! Today, I'm playing a game called "What if..."

1. What if...I had a million dollars?
Well, a million doesn't go as far these days as it used to but I would still be able to leave my job and live comfortably on a million bucks! Which is exactly what I'd do! I do like my job and I've been really lucky to work for a great agency for the past nearly 20 years but I'm tired of the routine and looking forward to creating new routines for myself. On a million bucks I would have enough to live frugally while still taking care of some of my families stuff and putting the rest away. I don't need fancy houses or cars. I just need enough. And I would that plenty if I had a million bucks.

2. What if...I was asked to host The Oscars?
Well, I would say yes and then faint. I know I have a solid acting background and I'm a pretty funny person so I think it would go well but I haven't done anything on stage in a long, long time so it's likely that shear terror would set in. I think I would ask if I could bring some friends. I have some seriously funny friends! But good god, what would I wear??

3. What if...I lost someone close to me suddenly?
Well, I would be devastated depending on who it is. I know that sounds horrible. Sorrow from losing a loved one would seem to be pretty fair and even but the truth is, though I love many, I am closer to some. Alex, for example...if I were to lose him I would be wrecked. I know I would. I'm not sure how someone survives that type of loss. Whew... I don't even want to think about it!

4. What if...I could do one job other than what I do now for the rest of my life?
Well, please refer to #1 about that "working for the rest my life" thing. Seriously though, if I had to choose something else to do I would work with animals - maybe in a zoo setting or a vet. I love animals and becoming a vet was something I thought about when I was younger.

5. What if...someone came up to me and demanded my money at gun point.
Well, first of all, jokes on them! I never have any money! Ugh...this one is easy for me. I would give it to them. I just don't hold any physical thing in such high regard that I would kill or get killed for it. Those people who feel the need to bear arms to protect themselves are misguided and scared for no reason. Nothing is so important to have to defend it with a gun. Then the argument is always "what if they wanted to rape you?" I can see their point but when's the last time you heard of any one warding off a rapist with a gun? Usually, they fend them off by screaming, kicking, yelling, biting and making so much commotion the rapist runs off. But since this question isn't about that, it's about money, I still say I would just give it to them. Let the cops sort it out later.

Thoughts on the Second to the Last Day before I get a week off....

1. It's a most beautiful day in Wisconsin today. Too beautiful to be sitting at work. Yet, here I am.

2. I have just "blown off" an hour of training to "get ready for an upcoming appointment at 1pm". Yet, here I am, writing my blog.

3. I have to work tomorrow. It's Friday but it's the last day before I get a week off. Yet, I still have to work tomorrow and I really don't want to.

4. All of the "personalities" in this office are killing me. I'm over trying to placate grumpy people. Yet, I am the supervisor so it's part of what I do. Hence, looking forward to my week off.

5. I just ate pizza for lunch. That made the day a little bit brighter but I would rather have eaten pizza at home. Or eaten nothing at home. I just want to go home! Yet, here I am.

6. I do a job search every once in a while just to be sure there's nothing better out there. I've seen some things that have been intriguing. Yet, here I am.

7. My old boss is off today. I'm secretly hating him for it because I want to be off today. Yet, I know my time will come. Patience is a virtue.

8. My desk is a real mess. I should probably clean it up before I leave tomorrow. Yet, I don't think I will. I just don't care enough about crap like that.

9. I owe my friend $5. I've seen her here three times today. Yet, I haven't given her the money. I don't know why.

10. I think I'm starting to run out of ideas for this blog. I mean, there's stuff going on but I'm not sure I want to keep going into it. Mostly sad stuff that I try not to think about. Yet, I'm not ready to give up on this thing. Even if I use it for silly stuff like this.

Still trying to make sense out of it all...

So yesterday was Mothers Day here in the US. I spent the day at my sister's house playing Polish Poker with my Mom. We played two rounds. She won both. Now I'm $2.50 poorer. I think she cheats.

Today was Monday. I hit the ground running. It's one of those usual days. You know the ones. The work days that seem to run right into the next because now there is so much time between holidays and time off? Yeah, those. Today was one of those. And tomorrow will be the same. Alex and I are planning a trip. Well, we're talking about it anyway. We want to go back to Sweden this year and see his Dad but we don't know exactly when that will happen. A lot will hedge on how much we can save and what we will have to spend. The thing about going to Sweden is that when it's nice and warm and sunny there air fare costs an arm, a leg and your first born child. When it's dark and cold, you can get a real bargain. But it's really not all that much fun going in the dark months when the days are super short and you can't really see much anyway. There is hope. We're selling the house my mother used to live in and it's in her children's names. Being her child, I will get something from that sale if it ever happens. We've had some lookers but no takers yet. Not really the time to be selling a house I guess.

I've been thinking of taking up photography. No really. I got a great new camera and it takes excellent photos so I was thinking to really try to do something interesting with it. We'll see. I might go out this weekend and just take pictures to see what I get. It's a start.

I've also been thinking about making some more music. Now that I have this mac I have also have a music program to tinker around with. Maybe I'll get inspired and write another song or two. I haven't done that in a while but I was just singing here to myself and realize how much I miss having that creative track in my life. I've never done my own music before. I've written songs and sung to other people's music but never actually made my own music so this could be good. Or could be really bad too. Either way, it will be an adventure.

Oh, I had a physical last week. Everything was good except I am Vitamin D deficient which, I'm told, happens to quite a lot of women in Wisconsin. Mostly because of our lack of sun in the winter. Good to know now since my ultimate goal is to live in Sweden and they really lack sun there in the winter months. Oh, and I have to have a colonoscopy! Funny thing about that...every single person I have told has said the exact same thing - "The procedure is fine, it's the prep that's a bitch!" No kidding...every single person. I can't wait...I'm thinking of having it videotaped and uploading it on youtube.

KIDDING! Sheesh! Did you really think I would do that? Frankly, the whole idea of the thing grosses me out! And by the way, for all you men out there who complain about going to your doctor...don't even start. Seriously! By the time I'm done with all the tests I will have been prodded, propped open, probed and squished ten ways from Sunday! All you have to do is turn your damn head and cough! Not fair, I tell ya. Not fair at all!

Ending the year with quiet repose....

2010 has been a banner year. A lot of really great things happened in 2010. My niece Megan got married, and so did her brother and now my nephew's wife is expecting a child. My other niece graduated from St. Joseph's High School with honors and started her first year at Marquette. My other nephew became an Eagle Scout.

At work, I took on a new program from another agency and worked with a whole lot of new, really interesting people. I felt a sense of accomplishment and learned how to be humble.

In November I celebrated being Fru Lindqvist for one full year! I can't believe how quickly that year went! I also got to know my father-in-law a little better. He's an intelligent, funny, interesting man and I look forward to spending more time with him.

The year ended with some stress, sadness and fear but then there was relief. My mom had a stroke on Christmas Eve. She's 93 years old and, realistically, I know that one of these days she will pass on but I also believe that no matter how long we live there is just not enough time in this life. I'm scared for when her time comes but, thankfully, she is doing better and will continue intensive therapy at Froedtert.

So, in a half an hour, it will be 2011. I wonder what it will bring and hope for the best. For all of us! Happy New Year everyone!

In the dark Novemeber...

Alex and I finished putting up our holiday lights. We live in an upper flat and the people downstairs don't put up lights so ours look pretty lonely. But they also look very beautiful as they light up the dark night.

Today I was home from work nursing a cold and soar throat. I feeling sick. I hate the achy tired feeling I have. But a couple of cups of good hot tea and a Christmas movie on the TV and I'm starting to feel better.

This morning a colleague called me to tell me that another colleague of ours had passed away over the weekend. He was someone I saw at the occasional meeting or two each month but still, the suddenness of his passing reminds me that we cannot take any single moment of our life for granted.

Tomorrow is our wedding anniversary. Hard to believe it's been one full year already. It went by so quickly. I think back and hope that I haven't taken a single moment for granted. And I vow to make each moment of the next year mean even more.

I get contemplative in the winter. The dark, quiet makes me think. Makes me wonder. And makes me long for change. I know that's winter's grand design. Without the dark quiet nights we would never appreciate the long, sun filled days of summer or the warm breezes of spring. Contrast in everything is good and right and needed.

I'm looking forward to the holidays this year with something akin to a child's wonder. I can feel it coming, the inner adrenaline already starting to take hold. I know they'll be good days...no matter what they hold for me.

Opening lines...

I like to write. I tend to write down lines I think of and keep them for later, in case other ideas pop up that might go with them. I was reading some of the lines I've saved today. I don't know why but I find them kind of funny given that they just don't go anywhere. So, I thought I'd share them. Just to give you a smile.

Here they are: (these are unrelated thoughts/sentences...hence the double spacing)

I was pretty sure that the it was only a dream but the feathers on my bed when I woke up told me otherwise.


I was hungry. Standing there in front of the fridge in the middle of the night, it’s all I could think of, “I must eat!” And then I saw it. Right there, behind last night’s roast and to the left of the unfizzed bottle of Mountain Dew.


The cat spent hours sitting in the open window. Only a thin screen kept him from making the leap. A thin screen and a healthy fear of falling. Yet, the birds and squirrels taunted him daily. One of these days, he thought…


“If it gets any colder in here, I may have to start something on fire!” screamed Esther from her easy chair. She got that way when she was needy.


I learned a lot that summer I was sent to stay with my Aunt Hazel and Uncle Bill. Not all of it was good but I did learn and I guess that’s the important thing.


It was somehow my fault there was nothing for dinner. He would never admit that what was wrong but I could feel his eyes burning into the back of my head as I sat at my desk and his pointed silence spoke loud and clear.


To make a long story short, it was about Jesus. Lukas sat hunched over at the end of the stone wall. He watched as the pamphlet flapped in the wind, half stuck in the mud and slush. It was one of those the Witnesses brought when they came knockin’. ‘He died for your sins.’ “Not mine,” Lukas said out loud as he slid from the wall. He shoved his hands deep into his jeans pockets to keep them warm and walked the rest of the way to Vern’s Gas and Go.


(That last one actually came to me from something Alex mumbled out loud. There was a Jehovah's Witness pamphlet in our front yard... LOL!) I don't know why I felt like sharing these. I've always done this writing down of little bits and pieces of thoughts and things I overhear. I used to have snips of paper everywhere but I'm a little more organized now. A little bit. LMAO!


Oh...by the way...I want this. We met him at store today and totally fell in love.

Crossing lives via the world wide web...

This thought came to me last night as I was watching "Survivor". My favorite player on the show pulled off yet another brilliant move and I thought - "I bet Paul is jumping outta his seat right now!" Now that thought isn't much really except it dawned on me how my first thought was about someone - namely Paul - that I have never even met. Paul's someone I only know via the Internet who, I also know, happens to be the biggest fan of Survivor ever.

Something else happened yesterday too. I "know" a group of people from a website called "Community of Sweden". I joined there because I am trying to learn Swedish and all things Swedish for an eventual move to Sweden. Anywho...what I found was this great, funny, caring little group that always keeps in touch via email. We call ourselves the Fikagänget which loosely translate to the "coffee break gang". Yesterday, Asa - one of the gang, shared some good news. Some of her nature photos were chosen for her local newspaper and she was being featured as the photographer of the day. I was genuinely thrilled she got this honor and, again, I have never met Asa. Or Celia, who shared her woes about having to move from Sweden back to her native country due to financial issues. Or Lilly, who is working double duty to finish school and struggling because Swedish is her third or fourth language. Or Sherry who's house in Rhode Island is flooded right now due to the inclement weather they've been having.

There are others too. People I have never met who I think of as if I knew them. Take Van, for instance. I "met" Van on a site called DMusic. Started following his blog and love reading about his adventures with Abbe and the kiddos. He shares his ups and downs and his strange and wonderful links. Then there's Esther, now in Sweden but longing to be back in her beloved Niger. She's shared some of the most amazing photos and stories of Africa and, lately, some very personal turmoil.

My point is, I've come to think of all of these people as friends. I really do come across daily situations, like that Survivor moment, when I think to myself "Oh I have to let so and so know about this one!" and so and so is someone I know only on the Internet. Hell, I met my husband on the Internet so I do know what a powerful tool this is to draw people together. It's just always a pleasant surprise to feel like my small world has gotten just a bit bigger - one interesting person at a time.


By the way, if you do not watch Survivor, you really should. Just ask my friend Paul! :)

Check the pain...

Okay this will be a weird post but a conversation I had with Alex this morning made me start thinking about how people gauge their pain. I mean, what is an acceptable amount of pain. Never having really been pain free, I honestly don't know. When I was a kid I got hit by a car which wrecked up my left knee somewhat and now, as a grown up, I have arthritis in that knee. It hurts every day and, on days when it's cold and damp, it KILLS. I choke down a couple of Ibuprofen and get on with the day but, the point is, I'm in almost constant pain because of this.

Occasionally, I'll have aches and pains that crop up in other parts of my body for no good reason. You know, stuff like, lower back pain, strange ankle pain, and today my right hand is aching because I slept on it. I suppose the Ibuprofen would work for that too but I'm not sure exactly how to know when a pain is such that it warrants taking something.

I guess you can't go by me or my standards. I come from hearty stock that rarely, if ever, sees a doctor unless we simply cannot stand it anymore. My mother, when she was in her 70s, clearly needed hip replacement surgery but she went on for over a year wincing in pain until the day she could barely walk. That was her cue. She had the surgery and it was fine. I guess I get my attitude from her. Not every pain I feel is cause for a trip to the doc but, again I ask, how does one really know?

I know pain isn't normal...right? Or is it? Don't we all on any given day feel those twinges and tweaks of pain somewhere or another in our bodies? Anyway, as I'm writing this my hand is aching and my knee is throbbing because there is going to be a change in the weather. Yes, I am a human barometer.

I suppose, in reality, we should not feel pain or expect to feel pain on a daily basis. I guess since I have never really been pain free since I was about 9 years old I have a hard time even imagining that! And I can't use my experience to begin to understand what somewhat else might be going through.

Anyway, I was just thinking about this stuff. You know, sometimes stuff like this gets stuck in my head.

Randomocity....

Geebuz, it was nice today. I mean seriously nice. 55 degrees and sunny. That's shorts wearing weather here in Wisconsin! LOL All this sunshine has eked it's way into my brain and I'm in an uncharacteristically good mood today. I came home and opened the windows to get the winter stink out. Belle, the 'lil terror, has taken up her place on the windowsill in the open window which leads me to something of a dilemma.

I have two cats - Arnie and Belle. Before Belle came to live here I had a cat named Brigitte who was almost identical in coloring and markings as Arnie. That was a good thing because according to my sister/land lady I am only allowed one cat. Yet, I have two. When they looked alike it didn't matter which one was in the window because from a distance she couldn't tell them apart anyway. But now, I have Belle. She's all grey. Doesn't look a thing like Arnie. Surely, when my sister/land lady sees her sitting in the window the jig will be up! I'm in for quite the tongue lashing, I'm sure. EEK!

On another note, I've spent entirely too much time at Walmart this week. I wasn't even there buying poorly made items for myself. Rather, I was taking some of my clients shopping. See the transactions through their eyes has been enlightening. Some of the clerks there couldn't care less about how they're perceived so they felt completely comfortable with their eye rolling and noticeable disdain for my mentally ill clients. On the other hand, there was one shining star in the Walmart employee pool. She was a Customer Service Supervisor who was uber-patient, kind and understanding and she went above and beyond what was expected. I was impressed. So much so, that today I wrote a letter to the general manager of our new, local Walmart Super Center to let him know of this one bright spot on his staff. I feel credit is due. And, lucky me, I get to go there again tomorrow morning with another client. Let it be known that I hate Walmart. I always have, even when it wasn't such a Super Center. So that alone has tried my patience this week and made for a very cranky me.

Today is St. Paddy's Day. Being half Irish I'm right now making the obligatory corned beef and cabbage for dinner. I like corned beef and cabbage but I only ever make it once a year. I realize now how silly that is. I wonder why I don't make it more often but the truth is, I don't even think about it other than on St. Paddy's Day. Go figure...

On that note, I'll leave you with my favorite Irish blessing.

"May you be in heaven a half hour before the devil knows you're dead!"

Erin go bragh, everyone!

Just saying...

If you don't stop and appreciate the pink and blue of a new morning sky, you just don't know what life's all about.

This is what I know...

Some things came a little clearer today. For instance, this I know...I am positive I will have a job in January AND it will be one that I will feel good about doing. I'll be working in case management with people who have mental illness. So, I'm excited about that.

I also know that I haven't been able to think about much more than the fact that next week is Alexander's interview at the embassy and it is the absolute last step to our getting our lives together in the same country after all! This has been a long and incredible journey and we've just grown closer through it all. For sure, the cats and I are eager to greet him here at last.

Another thing I know is that I will miss some of the staff I have now dearly when they all go off to their other places of employment at the end of this month. I also know there are some I won't miss all that much. Truth is, that last statement makes me a bit sad. I don't like that I feel that way but I have to be honest with myself and that's how I feel.

I know I've been craving chili since reading about the local chili cook off last week. This weekend I intend to make the largest pot of home made chili possible. I know I will eat chili for at least four days in a row after that and then I won't want to even smell chili for the next 6 months!

I know I was relieved when my wedding shoes were delivered today. I know it's weird that I was relieved but I have big feet and can't always find cute, comfortable shoes in my size around here. I ordered wedding shoes a few weeks ago but when they arrived I found that wearing them for any amount of time was akin to having my toes in a vice. With nails. And fire ants. Yes. They hurt. So I ordered a new pair, different style and hoped for the best. Those arrived today. They fit like a dream and are very chic and I like them even more than the first choice. (Side note...if you know any broads with size 12 feet or drag queens getting married...lemme know...I'll give them a deal! LOL )

I think that's about all I know for today. Except for this...it's late...and I know I'm going to go get some sleep!

Pondering the imponderables...

I don't know why but for the last three night I've had the strangest unsettling dreams. The first was one where I was just going about my day and my teeth started falling out as I was talking. It was creepy and scary and I woke up feeling weirded out. The dream didn't last that long and nothing else really happened in it so I have no idea what that was about.

The next was me, again just going about my day, this time with Alex, and the beautiful ring he gave me started to fall apart. The stone fell into the sink drain and the metal started shredding. I was beside myself with sadness and panic trying to get the pieces before I lost them because it was clear that I could put it back together. In the dream, Alex was so understanding and kept telling me that it was only a ring and it could be replaced and I was yelling that I didn't want another ring, I wanted THIS ring. I woke up and my heart was pounding.

Then I had a dream that the walls in my apartment were melting. The thing is I wasn't upset by this. I mean I wasn't running out of the place in terror. I was just living in the apartment with the melting walls. It was annoying me but not making me actually do anything about it.

I have no idea what these dreams mean or if dreams actually ever mean anything. It's just that lately I've been dreaming a lot and I always seem to remember my dreams. I used to know someone who painted and he would use his dreams as his subjects. His paintings were always very dark and frightening and I used to think if I dreamed like he did I would check into some therapy.

I have been a vivid dreamer all my life. I can think of something before I fall asleep and usually can manipulate that thought into a dream. I have also had recurring dreams since I was a kid and, no matter what, if I dream I remember it. I wonder what that says about me...

Money, money, money, must be funny, in a rich man's world...

As anyone who has ever worked in human services in the not for profit realm knows, we get the poorest of the poor coming through our doors. I often have long dragged out "conversations" with certain wealthier members of my family on the social injustices in the world, especially those that stem from the gap between the "haves" and the "have nots". I have one moderately wealthy brother-in-law who can really get my back up. He lives in a $200,000 home which he continually renovates whether it needs it or not and he always complains about his taxes. We all complain about our taxes but he is one of those who just doesn't see the correlation between tax dollars and aid to those who need it. Here where I live, almost all local aid comes from property tax. When you consider that property taxes also pay for public parks, schools, public museums, roads, etc. by the time the disabled get their share there is little left. It's the tiny pot of money we are left to try to assist them with mental health needs. It's not enough to give them even minimal assistance. And, each year at budget time, that amount gets less and less. What vexes me about my brother-in-law is that he has a relative who needs our help and gets our help and, frankly, without our help she would be homeless and delusional. He still doesn't get it.

All that aside, the blatant disregard by our society for the mentally ill, disabled, and homeless. I know that programs to assist these people are enormously expensive but I truly believe if we are to ever be a society with any strength or virtue that could ever regain the respect we once had worldwide, we have to start here. I am always astonished and impressed when I travel and see the high regard people are given in other countries. Yes, I know, there are exceptions to that to be sure but doesn't it make sense that one of the wealthiest countries in the world would be able to adequately address these issues and take care of our own first? There is a misconception that all those with mental illness are prone to violence and should be locked up, that all disabled should be in a nursing home or institution, that all homeless are lazy and most likely drug or alcohol addicted. I know that as I live from pay check to pay check there but for the grace of god go I...and you...and your neighbor. Think about it.

My Crossroads...

From my haven of fantastic
ballerina, fireman,
The world was covered
in rainbow gauze and smiles.

In flicker of sepia film
running with the happy pack
it's hard to see the moment
of the straw that broke my camel's back.

Though I spent sometime in filter
sifting garbage through my screen
allowing only harmless features
to penetrate my field.

I'm sitting at the crossroads
where my present meets my past
high definition vision
brings me clarity at last.

So now the world's my oyster
with a pearl the size of love
bigger than the universe
imagined it to be.

So this time is now my token
on this route to happiness
ride into unknown tomorrows
I'm expecting nothing less.

A little known frustrating fact about me...

I have this horrible habit. Well, okay, I have many horrible habits but this one got to me today and, in the end, I just had to laugh. I have this habit of thinking up what I think will be easy to remember but clever passwords for various sites that I frequent. The problem is they are all so similar and I never write them down so whenever I go to these sites I end up trying them all, hoping to hit the right one and then, at last, have to reset the damn thing all over again. And I still don't write it down. And I do it all again the next time. Case in point, I usually use an online bill payment thingy for my household bills. Each one has a separate password. And all of the passwords I thought of are so similar that I can never remember which one is which. So it takes me twice as long as it would to just write a damn check and send it in. But I persevere! I will not quit! And, I know, I will never, ever change. Add these passwords to the three or four I need at work for various computer programs we use and each day I am fully spinning on the password carosel before I can actually get anything done.

I don't know why I do this. It's the same thing with backing up files. I always have good intentions to do this. I get the discs. I organize the files into little desktop folders to make it easy. And then I stop. Discs at the ready...files remain loose as a goose on the computer. It's an quirk that is probably deeply rooted in some psychological mumbo jumbo. Or maybe I'm just a risk taker that way!

I think I thunk....

I've been thinking again. I've been thinking about my life over the past three years and how much it has changed. Three years ago, I was married though not terribly happy. I was sort of stuck. Every day I would wake up, go to work, come home, cook, watch TV, sleep and start it all over again the next day. I could feel my soul slowly dying inside and it wasn't a good feeling. This feeling has nothing and everything to do with my then husband. He's a great guy and will always be a part of my life but I realized three years ago that I had to get out for my own sake and my own sanity. And yes, there were factors contributed by him to the situation that did not make it easy. Is divorce ever easy? Even when you both agree it's for the best? Baggage is baggage no matter how many pretty bows you put on it.

I still sometimes have days now where I get up, go to work, come home, cook, watch TV and sleep but there is a difference. Back then, those days were like being suctioned to a side of a well and I was just hanging there without a clue. These days, I'm waiting. I don't necessarily like waiting. In fact, I hate waiting. I'm not a very patient person. But knowing that I am waiting for the most wonderful time in my life to begin with the most wonderful person in the world, I can tolerate it. The down time gives me time to reflect and to learn and to plan and to know how lucky I am, how good life is and how it will be even better...soon.


Whoa...on an entirely different note...I'm posting this later than the above. I just got home from my mom's house. My brother was in a car accident this morning. His car was broadsided by an enormous dump truck the ran a red light. The car was completely demolished. My brother hit his head and was knocked unconscious. He was taken by rescue to a local hospital. A CT Scan shows that he has some internal bleeding on his brain. They took him by ambulance to Froedtert Hospital in Milwaukee to the Neuro Trauma unit. They think he will be okay. The bleeding seems to have stopped and they are holding him for the next couple of days to run more tests and make sure that there is no swelling in the brain. The amazing thing is he has no cuts, nicks, abrasions, or any broken bones. He will be okay. He will be extremely sore and is likely to have some wicked bad bruising for a while but he will be okay. How he emerged from that wreck of a car without serious, permanent injury or death is really a miracle. Whew... what a difference a few hours can make. So, keep him in your thoughts and I'm sure he'll come through this fine.

I want...

I'm getting a head ache. I know it's from thinking too much about what I want to happen in my life. I'm not just thinking...I'm obsessing. There's a difference. I can't help it. I am not a very patient person when I want something to happen so badly and there's nothing I can do right now to make it happen.

I want to live in Sweden. And I will.

There are just so many obstacles in my way at the moment and the more I think about them, the angrier I get. And I get a head ache. And I know it's futile to keep worrying and thinking about it too because these hurdles can only be taken on one at a time and that takes time. But I'm still thinking about it. And my head still hurts.

Shoot me.

Jeezo pete...

When it rains it pours! It never fails...whenever I have a little money (and little is the operative word here) all hell breaks loose at once and pfft the money goes!

Case in point:

A couple of months ago I cashed in my IRA because I needed the cash. My plan was to pay for some legal fees, pay my taxes and use the rest for a trip to Sweden.

Plan diverted:
Legal fees still need to be paid. Taxes still need to be paid. My car just failed the emission testing so now I need car repairs. And my brakes seem to need replacing.

All of this is making my trip funds dwindle slowly down which, frankly, is pissing me off! There will still be some money there but not as much as I would like.

I was talking to a co-worker today who was also lamenting the fact that lately it seems like we work for nothing. Oh we get paid, for sure, but the paycheck comes in and goes out in the blink of an eye.

I think I'm going to get some lottery tickets. After all, someone has to win...could be me...right? RIGHT??