Most people who know me know that I love Christmas. I do..truly. I'm one of those people who get a real kick out of crowded shops, Salvation Army bell ringers, snow, and decorating. I love planning what I'll get everyone, going out to get it and even wrapping it up.
This year, however, feels different to me. I'm mildly excited that Christmas is coming. I'm trying to put together a good one with a tree and lights and other decor. But everything I do seems so haphazard, without much thought, and basically is being done just so it gets done. Yesterday I went to Stien's to get a tree. I had hoped, once again, that the spirit of Christmas would somehow seep in while looking at all the colorful lights and decorations. But it didn't. The trip there became a lesson in patience and basically got cut short because it was obvious that the spirit wasn't showing up.
I even watched "It's a Wonderful Life" last night. I teared up a bit at the end but not like I used to and there was no camaraderie or popcorn or hot chocolate to enjoy with the movie. So it was me, playing on my computer, half watching the film and half not caring that it was even on. That's so unlike me.
I don't know where the spirit of Christmas went. I'm grasping at anything that will bring it back in my life. Even now as I sit here next to our little tree, all decked out in it's holiday finest, it just looks like a "thing" to me. No special meaning, no awe, no nothing.
There is some time before the actual holiday for me to get the groove back. I hope I do. Christmas was always a time of joy and wonder for me. A time to feel like a kid again. I hate that I feel that being slowly sucked away. I will hang onto it as long as I can and maybe, just maybe, I will get a Christmas miracle.
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