Holding onto Christmas...

Most people who know me know that I love Christmas. I do..truly. I'm one of those people who get a real kick out of crowded shops, Salvation Army bell ringers, snow, and decorating. I love planning what I'll get everyone, going out to get it and even wrapping it up.

This year, however, feels different to me. I'm mildly excited that Christmas is coming. I'm trying to put together a good one with a tree and lights and other decor. But everything I do seems so haphazard, without much thought, and basically is being done just so it gets done. Yesterday I went to Stien's to get a tree. I had hoped, once again, that the spirit of Christmas would somehow seep in while looking at all the colorful lights and decorations. But it didn't. The trip there became a lesson in patience and basically got cut short because it was obvious that the spirit wasn't showing up.

I even watched "It's a Wonderful Life" last night. I teared up a bit at the end but not like I used to and there was no camaraderie or popcorn or hot chocolate to enjoy with the movie. So it was me, playing on my computer, half watching the film and half not caring that it was even on. That's so unlike me.

I don't know where the spirit of Christmas went. I'm grasping at anything that will bring it back in my life. Even now as I sit here next to our little tree, all decked out in it's holiday finest, it just looks like a "thing" to me. No special meaning, no awe, no nothing.

There is some time before the actual holiday for me to get the groove back. I hope I do. Christmas was always a time of joy and wonder for me. A time to feel like a kid again. I hate that I feel that being slowly sucked away. I will hang onto it as long as I can and maybe, just maybe, I will get a Christmas miracle.

Rain, rain, go away...

Today, with it's incessant rain and cold, is one of those days when it would have been better to just stay in bed with the blankets up over my head. Actually, the crappy weather is sort of the physical embodiment of my mood. I get that way. When the day to day is boring and usual and one day just drones into the next. I can feel my energy just getting sucked out of my body and, frankly, I can feel myself giving in to it. There's just no fight left.

I am longing to travel. I have to get a new passport. I have to get my Social Security number thingy fixed at Social Security. I have to get things in order at home and crap out of the house and to the curb. I want to do stuff and right now I can't even imagine doing it. That's how badly this rain is affecting my mood.

And then I feel ungrateful. Because so many good things have happened and are happening everyday. I see people around me who have REAL problems, REAL issues, REAL life stuff they have to deal with and yet I am sitting here feeling sorry for myself. I wish I could snap out of it.

I remind myself everyday that I have much to be grateful for. A wonderful husband, a good life, and so much more that I could only imagine.

I know it's nothing that a little sunshine wouldn't fix but still...I'm in a crappy mood and wish that I could be back in bed. Where's my blanky when I need it?