Things my mother taught me...

1. Be presentable. My mom hated it when she thought I was leaving the house in a manner of dress that was sending off the wrong signals...either too messy, too provocative, or just plain ugly. As a teen, I would go out of my way to find ways to make her lecture me about my clothing so I could engage in a lot of eye rolling and "Oh mom!"-ing. Now, I understand why she felt the way she did. Because it does make a difference. People see and judge us every day on that first impression and, right or wrong, it makes a clear difference in how they treat you.

2. Laugh once in awhile. My mom had and still has a great sense of humor. She always had time to laugh and, occasionally, she would be downright silly. Even in her later years, she was always willing to go along with gag and then would laugh until tears streamed down her face. Humor is so important. It's what gets me through some of the most stressful events and helps me to keep balanced.

3. Enjoy a good martini! My mom loves martinis. Martinis have been her drink of choice for as long as I can remember. Whenever she and my Dad had guests, mom would have a martini while they went for the brandy. At holidays, Mom wanted a martini. A martini, though something of a classic and classy drink, is also a true go-to drink. There's no fooling around with a martini. And not those new fru fru new Cosmos or fruity things people are calling "martinis" these days. No! A martini is, and will forever be, vodka, vermouth, a spash of olive juice and two olives on a toothpick. It's pure alcohol and doesn't mess around.

4. Learn something useful. I used to argue so much with my mom who, when I was going to university, would constantly tell me to "take some courses in education so you can always teach and have something to fall back on". I was a Communications major at the time and didn't want to hear it. Now, I am an administrator in a social service agency. Along my vocational journey, I have had to take additional courses in psychology, sociology, pharmacology, and supervision. These are the "useful" things my mother referred to early in my life. She was always right.

5. Volunteer. My mom was always a big proponent of helping out to make a difference in the community. She volunteered at our local soup kitchen for years and instilled in me a life long virtue of helping out whenever I can. She always felt you can't really be part of a community if you don't put yourself out there to take care of that community. She also just felt that helping others was the right thing to do.

6. Be proud of yourself. It's easy to do things so that other people are proud of you but it's much more difficult to do things that truly make you proud of yourself. Pride is a tricky thing. We're not really supposed to go around being "proud" but my mom meant that there are things in life, choices we make, that are difficult and not always popular and those are the ones we make and can feel proud of ourselves, even if no one else feels it for us.

My mom was and is a smart cookie. She worked non-stop, side by side with my Dad, and raised 6 kids in a way that made us all feel special, loved and needed. We never had money but she made sure we weren't even aware of that as kids. We had what we needed. And we had love. Lots and lots of love. In fact, we still do something that my mom taught us as kids. We tell each other, every time we see each other, at the end of every phone conversation, before we leave a visit to go home - we always say "I love you". So much so it's just become our natural way of ending our conversations. And you know what? Each time we say it, we mean it and that's a testament to the love we learned from our Mom.

I love you Mom! Happy Mother's Day!

Mother's Day...

Tomorrow, we're celebrating Mother's Day in the US. For me and mine, this means we will go over to my sister's house for brunch and to spend time with Mom. My mother is 91 years old. I can hardly believe that myself! She has always seemed ageless to me. She had me when she was older and, frankly, she was a little embarrassed that she had become pregnant at an age when, she thought, most people shouldn't even be having sex! I was a surprise baby but she's never made me feel unloved or unwanted.

My mother has always been the back bone of our family. Long before my father's passing, it was evident that she was the one who called the shots. She still does even though we are all grown and have our own lives. There is not a decision we make in life that we don't always think "I wonder what Mom will say about this?" She raised 6 kids, worked two full time jobs and volunteered her time whenever she could. She taught second grade for 30 years and was the chief cook in my Dad's restaurant. She taught so long that at the end of her career she was teaching the children of her former students. She never raised a hand to us. The worst thing we could do in life was to disappoint her. She believes in God and is a staunch Catholic and tried to raise us to be the same. If you were under her roof, you went to church every Sunday and there was no discussion to be had about that.

My Dad died while I was still at university and I was living at home. It was just me and Mom then. We became very close and still have a special bond today. Yet these days I know that some decisions I have made trouble her. She doesn't speak of them but I know they do. For instance, I don't really believe in God. Though I am spiritual in a way, I do not ascribe to any organized religion. Having been a good Catholic girl for most of my life (12 years of Catholic school, church choir, even was on our church council at one time) this decision, I know, deeply troubles her. I think she understands that I am a good person and strive to do good things and that should be enough. But I also know she will pray for me until the day she dies.

My divorce troubled her too. As you know, Catholics don't believe in divorce and she had to come to some terms within herself about that. I have two sister's and a brother who also went through this so my Mom did have some previous experience there. I think my Mom has always believed that marriage is "for better or worse" but her marriage of a lifetime to the man she lived for did not prepare her for what the "worse" could be. In the end, she wants her daughters to be happy so she has found a way to deal with this.

I also know that my relationship with Alexander has been something she has had to frame in a way that she can understand. In her mind, it was confusing on so many levels. First, we met on line. To my mother, who never used an electric typewriter much less a computer, the Internet is a deep, dark scary place filled with predators, murderers and porn as portrayed on the news. The idea that you could actually meet good and decent people there was lost on her! Second, Alexander and I have a rather large age difference. This, of course, set off her questions about how this relationship could ever be at all! Third, she initially could not understand how he would just fly here on a whim to meet me from another country or how I, who never travelled alone before, could just board a plane to go to Sweden...more than once! But now, she has met him, welcomed him, fed him, questioned him, laughed with him, played her blessed card games with him, and has come to care about him as she knows he is someone I love very much. She asks about him all the time when he is away and is interested in what he's doing, if he's feeling well, and when is the next time he will be here.

And that's the best thing about my mother. She doesn't always understand why I do the things I do. Sometimes she downright disagrees with the things I do. But, at the end of the day, she wants to know that I am happy and she will stand by me no matter what. She is a rock. An ever shrinking 91 year old rock, but a rock none the less. I hope that when I am her age I have her strength and will and character because if I've learned one thing from her it is this - take care of those you love and always be there for them.

Happy Mother's Day Mom! I love you! And Happy Mother's Day to all the wonderful mother's in the world!