One of those days...

To quote Beck, "I'm a loser,baby, so why don't just kill me."

I'm having one of "those days". You know the ones. The ones where nothing is good enough, or right enough, and it all comes down to me? Yeah, one of those. I don't know but I just feel I've fallen into a mind numbing slump of self loathing. One could say, I'm a real treat to be around today.

Financially, I am a screw up. Money and the management thereof eludes me. Yet I have nothing to show for it. I am not out spending it willy nilly. I haven't made a completely frivolous purchase in a long time. Yet, here I am...always broke and owing someone.

Professionally, I feel depleted. My job has basically become an exercise in biding my time. I don't feel useful. I don't feel all that needed. I put out the occasional fire and that's about it.

I have been taking better care of myself lately so for that I am grateful. But today, in this foul self-pitying mood, I can't even bring myself to go work out. It's my way of "punishing" myself for being so screwed up. Since I feel like a worthless blob I might as well act like one, right?

Maybe I should just go to bed. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. Maybe...

Bits and Pieces and...oh!

Today was just weird. It started off badly but kept evolving and regressing and then evolving again. I woke up late which always makes for a great morning. I rush around like a nut and still manage to get to work on time but I skip my morning coffee which pushes me to the edge of beastiness. I always start my workday with a standard meeting which always includes the bonehead from the Kenosha County Division of Disabilities. He personafies the word bonehead. He's egotistical, loud, and opinionated on things he knows absolutely nothing about. We all quite enjoy "taking the piss" out of him on a regular basis. But without morning caffiene, I tend to lean towards more homicidal notions.

After all of this, the day started to fill up with demanding individuals who pushed my capacity to give a shit to the limit. I'm normally a very empathetic person. Today, I was not. Given this, I retreated to the relative calm of my silent office and tried to avoid people for the rest of the day. Of course, that wasn't feasible. I had to give a presentation on Client's Rights at a noon meeting. I am one of two Client's Rights Specialists at our agency. And I'm not sure what the other one does because I am always the one to give this presentation every year. It was a stunning presentation to be sure. I could feel the energy and excitement of my audience - NOT! But I got through it and that's it until sometime next year when the same people will be forced to hear me give out the same information in exactly the same manner. Client Rights - I'm FOR 'em!

There was a nice surprise to this bland, detestable day, I must say. My boss came up to me early in the afternoon and told me it was time to do my annual performance evaluation. At first, I thought, "great...this oughtta be good...". Given my overall crappy mood and headache, I was sure I was doomed. However, I was pleasantly surprised. He gave me a glowing review. I mean, GLOWING. He said so many nice things about and my value to the agency that I actually blushed. I think he even got tears in his eyes at one point but that may have just been in my head. The best part, I got a raise! 5% of my salary which isn't a ton of money but it is higher than the standard raise they usually give people here so I was pleased.

So - to recap...
Woke up late, no coffee, complete bonehead, tried to hide, couldn't, gave crappy presentation, got a raise! All in all, not a bad day after all.