I guess I really am a responsible grown up...

Where I work, there are five divisions and each one has a Director. Sounds impressive. And, I guess, it is. I've worked at this small not for profit for a number of years now, holding many jobs and working my way up the ranks to the supervisory role I have now. Ive learned a lot through the years and I've had some great bosses.

In June, one of them, a former boss and one of the division Directors, is retiring. I decided a few weeks ago to apply for his position. I submitted a letter of intent and my resume and waited. I was called for an interview and it went well. And then I waited some more.

Last week, I was one of three people called back for a second interview. This time we were given two questions and asked to present our ideas and answers to the panel. I had two days to get this together. The questions were 1. What will your first year as Director look like? and 2. Given the experience and knowledge of the people working in the division how will you work with them in terms of your supervision skills?

I created a three page hand out of ideas and improvements that I think are viable and can make our services even better. I was honest and personable and nervous as all hell.

Yesterday, at 3pm, the Executive Director gave me the job! I am now one of 5 division Directors! As of June 27th, I will be the Director of the Community Intervention Center. I will be overseeing all adult crisis services in Kenosha County, the emergency crisis shelter, our Resource Center, our civil commitment unit, our behavioral health court unit, our alcohol and other drug specialists, our rep payee program, our benefit specialist, our children's waiver services, and our new mental health clinic! Whew! That's a lot! There's only one rung higher on the ladder at this agency and that is Executive Director! I never in a million years thought that my life would have taken this course but I'm excited and happy and so eager to get this new show on the road. I love a challenge and this will be a big one but what an adventure this will be!

Wish me luck!

The view from my office door...

is making me sad.

It is the sister of a friend of mine who is really struggling right now with her illness.

She is a beautiful woman, usually bright eyes, personable, gifted in that she sings like an angel and is a talented actress.

Right now, she's wearing dirty clothes, her stomach handing out over her pants, her hair unwashed and her eyes dull.

If she would accept she has an illness and work to manage it so she could have a quality of life she would become that bright eyed, talented woman again. But she doesn't and so she won't.

I've known her since high school and seeing her like this and not being able to help breaks my heart. It really does.

Back to work...almost

I'm back to work for a couple of days before having the rest of the year off. It's so damn quiet in this office. That combined with the fact that there's almost no heat on in here has made me very, very sleepy. I think if I could put my head down right now I'd be sound asleep. I'm trying to hold out until I get home. There is a nap in my future.

So next week my new job begins. I have only the vaguest idea of what it is I'll be doing. When I come in next week, I'm hoping someone will be able to point me in the right direction and tell me how to proceed. We'll see. Maybe I should be panicking about it. I don't know...I'm just not all that enthusiastic about this new one. It will be what it will be and I'll accept whatever it is. I'm feeling a bit "temporary" about the whole situation. It's going to be a new year and I'm going to be concentrating my thoughts and efforts on figuring out a way to move to Sweden. So, I'll bide my time with the new job until then. At least it pays well and has a pretty good benefit package...I can't complain.

Gauging my frustration meter....

I'm back at work after a glorious spur of the moment four day weekend and it's been a rough one. Getting back into the "swing" of things these days isn't easy for me because the "swing" of things seem to be slowly slipping away. At the end of this month my staff will all be going to other jobs elsewhere and I'll be left here not knowing quite yet what I'll be doing.

I'm starting to see basic everyday decisions being taken out of my hands. Staff still come to me with questions but, at this point, I am not the one to be answering them. I'm in a weird state of limbo.

It's because of this that I am also getting more and more easily frustrated with day to day happenings around here. People are off making decisions without me and then coming to me to "fix" the mess they've created and it takes every ounce of strength I have to refrain from telling them to go take a flying leap! I have to physically remind myself to take a deep breath and not bite their heads off. I have to admit this was most difficult today when one of my staff introduced me to a new co-worker as "her office manager"!! Last time I checked I was still her boss and wasn't working for her. Breathe...1,2,3,4.....

Oi, it's Monday and I have much to do...

I was a tad surprised when I left the house this morning. It was actually a beautiful morning! I guess I just imagine that all Monday's should fit my general yucky I don't wanna go to work mood but this one didn't. The sun was sparkling on the lake and there was a warm lake breeze. I did take a moment to enjoy but then it was "get to work".

I was dreading getting to my office, I must say. I know I left Friday with an enormous stack of paperwork sitting on my desk. I managed to put it out of mind all weekend but here it was, just waiting silently, for my return. So today, I have a ton of stuff to get done. Part of my job is to proof read every single care plan that my teams do for their cases. I get about 25 of them each day so they tend to add up if I don't get to them right away. I'll be "red penning" these for a while. Not the nicest way to spend a beautiful day like this.

Also, we are getting new carpet on one side of our building here. Not the side I'm on though. But that means that everyone over on that side has to temporarily relocate their stuff until the job's done. Since I have a bigger office some of them will be moving into my space for a time. Today is the beginning of moving week so people will be in and out of here all day. That should make proof reading impossible! LOL

I've got some new peeps starting this week too. I have no idea where they'll be located. Space is at a premium here. We have four or five people to an office now and the size of those offices doesn't make for comfortable quarters for that many people. We also have a limited number of phone and computer hook ups. The last person I hired didn't have a phone or computer for almost a month! And, being a non-profit organization, we rely on the kindness of strangers so our office gear (chairs, desks, etc) leaves something to be desired. That last person? She got a desk that had one bad leg which promptly fell off the second she leaned on it! So, I'll have to run around today trying to come up with some workable floor plan for the newbies.

In spite of it all, it's a great place to work. It really is! I love this job, the people, the place, even the crappy equipment. I don't think I'd know how to act if this place wasn't exactly the way it is. There's something to be said for that!

A change is coming...

This morning I woke up sneezing and blowing my nose. Ah, fall allergies are so wonderful. I put my face on and went off to work thinking I looked okay. So far four people have stopped and asked me "Are you alright?" I checked myself in the ladies room mirror. Yeah...apparently the sleep gnomes came in my room last night and beat the hell outta me.

So, work...

Since it's Thursday, which is one day from Friday, which is one day from the weekend, I'm not going to bitch...much. Suffice it to say, I made it through, things got done, so it goes.

So, life...

Distance from someone you love is the one of the hardest things to bear on a daily basis. Oh I know, this will all get better and has gotten better but, all things considered, I'd rather be in Sweden. I get impatient. I get lonely. I get restless. But, I am loved. So I holding onto that gets me through.

So, money...

Anyone have any just laying around they'd like to get rid of? Let me know! I have a hard time being rational when I listen to the news and the $700 million bail out proposal which suddenly has become all of our problem. Managing my own pittance makes me angry at those who are supposedly the experts who mismanaged this so badly.
So, the bail out would mean that my children's children's children will now have to figure this out sometime in their lives. Also, I got my Social Security statement yesterday. You know the one they send telling you if you retire at such and such an age you'll get this or that amount each month? Yeah...I have to work til I die.

I'm awake already!

I don't know what got into me last night but at about 2am I woke up. And when I say 'I woke up' I mean...I WOKE UP! I was wide awake for no reason at all. No amount of tossing or turning or willing myself back to sleep would do it. I got up and watched a couple of old Dick Van Dyke reruns. At 3:30am I realized I had to try to get some sleep. I think it was about 4am when I finally did.

I get up at 5:30am on workdays but I swear I never heard the alarm go off. I know it did though because I had somehow moved it from where it usually sits. Probably swatted it out of place hitting the snooze button. Alex called me at about ten to 7 and I was so sleepy I thought he was calling me in the middle of the night! I had to hit the ground running when I realized that I was now going to be late for work.

No amount of coffee in the world can clear my brain of this fog I'm in. I can't think straight I'm so tired. It's weird how I just woke up like that. I'm not particularly stressed about anything. I don't do caffeine after noon. I can usually sleep whenever I want. There's nothing pressing on my mind lately. So, I don't know what the heck caused it. Right now I feel like if I just laid my head on my desk they'd probably find me here tomorrow in a puddle of my own sleep drool.

I might have to call in a favor from my boss and go home and take a nap!

Stacking them up like so much firewood...

I've told you about where I work...the small not for profit human service agency. Well, this time the operative word is small. In the past 15 months, we have experienced a growth spurt that we've never seen before. We've had to hire may new employees for various new programs we've started. The problem is that this building just isn't big enough for all of us.

When we started the hiring frenzy, we initially had to "double up" in our already space challenged offices. Once those were all full, we had to create what we affectionately call "cubicle row". Have successfully filled any available hall space with temporary walls and adorning them with hanging computer and telephone cords, we then had to go back the offices to see if there were one or two that could possible hold a third person. Now the building is a maze of wall, offices, people, file cabinets and Xerox machines. When guests enter our space they are always amazed at just how many bodies we've managed to cram in here!

Today, I interviewed two new hires. I have no idea where they'll end up in here. It kind of reminds me of that old Marx Brother's movie - the one where they are on the ocean liner and they're in the tiniest state room ever. Then, in comes the maid, the plumber, the masseuse, the manicurist, the maintenance man, room service and someone looking for her Aunt Minnie. As I recall, the room didn't hold up in the end and they all came violently spilling out into the hallway.

I'm pretty sure that's what's going to happen here. Either that or the ceiling is gonna blow!

Dreams...

I know that I am stressed when I start dreaming about work but occasionally the dreams are so strange and funny that it's almost worth it. Last night I dreamt that I was making a presentation to our agency's executive director. I showed up for this wearing an outfit that can only be described as something one might wear on the red carpet at the Academy Awards. I had with me as many visual aids as one could possibly think to have. I had a Power Point presentation, flow charts, hand outs, wall charts...you name it, I had it. The purpose of the presentation was to show the Big Cheese that since the unit I now currently supervise has grown to enormous porportions, it would make sense that a new position be created just for me. I was asking him to make me the Director of Long Term Care Management. During the course of this well orchestrated act I also wanted to let him know that since I would now be the Director they would have to consider who would replace me as Supervisor. I made an elaborate introduction and then "presented" my current assistant, Jamey, as the most likely candidate. As I said her name, the door to the conference room opened and Jamey entered decked out in her very best Oscar worthy ensemble. I think I even remember wearing a feather boa!

While the idea behind the presentation may make some sense, the sight of the two of us dressed up the way we were was quite spectacular and really funny! Especially since the office we work in is extremely casual. I don't recall either one of us ever wearing a dress to work and, most days, we are in capris or jeans and t-shirts. I almost wish we could record our dreams and play them back for other people to see. They would all get a kick out of this one!

On a separate note, it is hot here. Really hot. Before those of you from other traditionally hotter parts of the world start complaining just remember, I am from Wisconsin. We're not made for this weather! We spend the winter months making sure we have several comfy fat layers to insulate us from our god awful winters so when we hit July and August...well, let's just say, it ain't pretty. Generally, we are all red faced, tired from the humidity and on the cranky side. And if the heat lasts more than three consecutive days we start going outside with less and less clothing on...that's the ugly part. Haha!

Being the boss while the boss is away....

I talk about my boss alot in this blog, don't I? I like my boss...I hate my boss... but I like him...weird. He's off on vacation to Vegas this week so I get to be him. Before he left he briefed me on the "important" things that I would have to address while he was gone. I told him that to truly "be him" I would have to wander around the building, never take a phone call, and when someone comes to me with a problem I have to answer "Wow...you've got a problem..." as he always does. He told me to "shut the hell up."

He once told me that I was the only person here at this agency that he could see taking his place when he retires. That's very flattering. But, if I'm still working here by the time he retires then, please god, someone come here and shoot me. My three year plan does NOT include continuing to work here.

So, back to my boss...

He goes to Vegas about four times each year. He's an old, single guy with no family so that's what he spends his money on. He plays nickel slots and, oddly enough, he wins. He always comes back with about $200 more than he left with. And he always brings me a souvenir. Last time he went I got the nifty plastic pen from his hotel room. Yeah, he's cheap too.

But here's another thing about him. I already told you earlier how he once slipped me a wad of dough to pay my bills with no strings attached. Well, a few years ago, there was a man who worked here who was diagnosed with cancer. It was terminal. This guy was a great guy too. Everyone loved him. In his last couple of years, he was pretty sick but my boss made sure that he got out, did things, ate, and just didn't wallow in his illness. He took him to Vegas three times - paid for everything and made all the arrangements. The last time they went he needed a lot of stuff set up ahead of time. My boss had second thoughts about taking him but he said he knew he would never get back there and this would be his last time. He was right. He got really, really sick while they were there and had to be airlifted by medical transport back to Wisconsin where he died. My boss paid for all of that. No questions asked. No expectations on his family to reimburse him. So, yeah, he's a great guy.

I still hate him...but like him too. Haha!! Now that I think of it though, I may be able to fill in for him for a week or two while he's on vacation but I don't think I could ever really fill his shoes.

So...how's your day?....

I've been back at work for about a full week now. I just have to laugh that absolutely nothing has changed. It's all still the same old kerfluffled mess it was when I left for vacation. My boss, a man I both love and hate at the same time, told me that I just have to keep at this job for four and a half more years. I asked him why and he said "'Cause that's when I can retire and you can have my job!" See, love and hate him. Little does he know that I have no intention of being here for four more years!! Nor do I want his crappy job. I can barely stand my own.

My boss is kind of a strange guy. On the one hand, he can be the most exasperating individual ever. He often says things like "Oh, yes, I was just thinking of that!" or "I was just going to say that!" or "I was working at home this weekend and...". The truth is, is it evident that he was not just thinking of anything, had no intention of saying anything and the mere idea of him actually working on the weekend makes everyone laugh. Those are just his knee jerk responses to things that come up. The more he says them, the more exasperating they are.

But, on the other hand, I've seen him do many acts of great kindness. A couple of years ago I was in a really bad financial situation and had no way to pay my rent or bills. He knew this was happening and one morning he just walked into my office, set down a wad of hundred dollar bills and said, "Just pay me back when you can or better yet, don't pay me back but do the same thing for someone else someday." It was a pretty extraordinary thing for him to do and I know that I'm not the only one he's done that for. So, he's sort of a lovable asshole.

The best part about my boss is that he doesn't stand on pretense. If he gives me crap, I can give it back and he takes it all in stride. I can honestly say that I have told my boss to "Shut the hell up" and haven't been fired. I have flipped him the finger too...in a meeting...and still not fired. He just flips it back and we get on with it. He likes to try to intimidate people and you earn his respect by standing up to him. I tell him he's got "short people" syndrome. That's when he usually tells me to "shut the hell up."

You know, on second thought...

I'm not doing too bad. I mean, yes, I'm a bit sad what with Alex now back in Sweden and all but, for very good reason, I'm surprisingly content and feeling excited about what is to come. Because we have solid plans and confirmed our commitment to one another this temporary separation just doesn't feel so final as it did all the other times. So, I'm smiling alot today in spite of having had to return to work and get on with the yuckiness of all that.

Speaking of getting back to work, it was not at all surprising that absolutely nothing had changed in all that time I was off. People were still complaining about the same things, laughing at the same jokes, gossiping about the same people. I suppose there should be some comfort in the fact that, if nothing else, it is consistent. But, honestly, I found it tedious and typical. I really have to think on what to do about that...

But for now, AHHH life is really good. I can deal with work and handle what it throws my way. I have someone wonderful in my life and together we are going to have one hell of a great life! So cheers my dears! :)

For cripes sake....everyone just breathe...

Good god, at work today and the word is out that I'm taking time off. I'm being bombarded with anything and everything that people think need my immediate attention. Even though I told them I'll be here on Friday, they're using today as the "get Mary" day! I just closed my office door and am proceeding to my secret under the desk hiding place!

The really, really sucky part about all of this is that even though they believe this is some kind of emergency, my brain is already in vacation mode. So no matter how urgent they think something is, they're not getting much a response from me today. And the truth is - they will see that everything will be okay if they just take a deep breath and move on.

Congratulations Alex!

After a year of hard work, stress, deadlines and doubt, Alex graduated today from Bergh's School of Communication!!

I'm so very proud of you, Alex, and all of your accomplishments!!

On to the future!

The kind of laughter that precedes a complete mental break down...

Once in a while at work, things just strike me as funny. For those who work in fields where compassion, understanding and empathy are key, occasionally, there is a need for a touch of dark humor. Face it, I work in a human service office dealing with people in crisis all day. Most of the time, those crises can be pretty gruesome - murders, suicides, overdoses, intentional self harm. So every once in a while, we need to laugh and, sometimes, we laugh at things that, I think, most people would find pretty offensive. Today, however, I was laughing not so much at the situations presented but at the details of the crisis calls we were getting.

For some reason, there were 6 separate calls from 6 different people and their needs were wide ranging from just a mere complaint to a person with suicidal and homicidal ideations. The thing that struck me funny was that all 6 of these people called as a result of their frustration of being in a grocery check out line at some point during the day. None of the calls were related. They weren't even at the same grocery store. As we read through these crisis contacts, I started to get the giggles. It's such a universal frustration but the severity and degree to which some of these folks expressed it just started me off and once I got started, I couldn't stop. I mean I hate grocery shopping as a rule but, seriously, getting to the point where the police and crisis unit have to be called is a wee bit over reactive, wouldn't you say? I guess I feel for their pain but I do appreciate the laugh.

Of course, with the price of groceries these days, I bet we can expect more of these calls!

The calm after the storm...

So last week was hell. And next week will be hell. But today, ah...today, is a wonderful day. Waking up to beautiful sunshine and warm breezes with a whole day of whatever I want it to be ahead of me is a beautiful thing. I have much to do getting things ready for Alex's visit in a week but these things are labors of love so I'm having a good time doing them.

I can't get too down about the work scene since I know that I can only do what I can do there and the things that are out of my control are not mine to worry about. Yet I know that if I continue to have weeks on end of the kind of intense stress I had last week, it may come to the point where I have to ask myself those hard questions. Is this what I want to keep doing? Am I prepared to leave a job that I've had for 13 years and move on at this point in my life when having a job is the anchor of all my future plans? It's tricky. But for now, it is what it is.

And very soon my life will get better - if only for a month or so. But in that month plans will be made and the whole course of where I end up will change. And that excites me to no end. So, as these warm breezes blow, today is good. Very, very good.

Integrity Maintenance 101...

Working for this small not for profit agency has it's perks. Being contracted for our services by a larger entity turns out may not be one of them. Lately, I'm feeling more and more as if the culture and integrity of our agency is being sucked up into the giant vortex that is managed care. It's terribly frustrating to be told, on the one hand, that we are the "experts" in our field and that is the reason they came to us and then, on the other, be made to feel as if we don't count in any way.

As the supervisor, I'm treading a fine line between contracted provider and lackey. I'm working on ways to keep our own agency in tact in the face of all of this but it's incredibly soul sucking and I'm feeling quite burned out.

TGIF! That acronym never held deeper meaning for me until now.

Always leave them laughing...

I have never understood the intentions of those people, who when asked to leave a job or who leave on their own accord, have to stir up a shit storm of trouble to be cleaned up by those who remain. Case in point: In my capacity as the Care Management Supervisor, I have to work with many outside provider agencies and I've always tried to keep those working relationships as professional as possible. Recently, one of these agencies had a long time employee who just up and lost his fool mind. I don't know all of the details that led to him storming off the job (nor do I want to know the details...) but in his wake he has accused his former employer and co-workers of negligence and abuse. He's called the state licensing board causing them to come down from on high in mass proportions and launch full blown investigations. He's showed up here at my office demanding to meet with me, unannounced, uninvited and unwelcome. He's called his former co-workers at their place of work and at their homes. He's written letters to god knows how many people and just in general has been behaving badly. All of which just goes to show what a loose cannon he is but also all of which creates a mountain of work for those left behind to clean up the hellish damage he's done.

This isn't the first time I've seen this happen. Someone goes off on a toot, quits or gets fired, and their first reaction is to seek revenge. It's crazy and, quite frankly, pisses me off. And I have to ask myself, for what? What purpose does all this bull serve? None of what this nut job is saying is true so it's not going to hurt his former employee. And it certainly can't be helping him get another job in the care giving field. I think I'm witnessing a man self destruct on a grand scale. It's too bad too. It's hard seeing someone heading down the road to ruin without being able to point out to them where they took the wrong turn.

What?

I'm having one of my ADHD days. Physically, I am present and I really look like I'm working and being productive. Realistically though, I have done little else than shuffle piles of paperwork around my desk which is a very effective way to appear to be uberbusy. I have to admit my mind feels a bit fractured today. Not sure why! Just an example, to give you some idea of what I mean, it took me three tries to log into this blog just now. And each time, I SWEAR I was typing the right thing.

I took some time last night to make myself a work plan to get the things done that need doing before Alex arrives in June. Yes, in June...I'm planning way ahead here to allow for my usual procrastination time. I read the list I made this morning and the first thing to do today when I get home is "bag up living room". It's in code and only I know what I mean. Essentially, it means I have taken a good look around and. decidedly, I have too much stuff. It's all getting Heftied tonight and out the door. I am a pro when it comes to the accumulation of stuff. It runs in my family. My oldest sister moved into a new apartment last week and, since she is the Queen of Stuff, the neighbors were having a field day with what she was putting out on the curb. She tried to pawn her stuff off on me but I was strong and resisted. My mother, on the other hand, fully succumbed to the wayward, soon to be homeless stuff and now she has more stuff to contend with at her house. My mom's house is like a no-kill rescue for other people's stuff. Sometimes if you go over there stuff just follows you home.

What's funny about my sister's stuff is that some of it was stuff I pawned off on her. I gave her a RubberMaid bin full of craft supplies once. The night before she moved she presented me with a bag. Turns out that my grade school, high school and college diplomas were all in the bottom of that bin. Good thing she looked in there! My whole educational lifetime could be sitting on her curb right now waiting for the garbage pick up!

I'm just a little ray of sunshine...

So, Monday... just a day with nothing but bad news from all fronts. Bad news from Sweden...bad news here at home. There must be a little rain cloud hovering over me these days. I seem to have crawled my way out of the funk of the last few days but things are conspiring to keep me down. Weird...