Learning to take a compliment...

After a singularly rough week at work, I can sit back on this Thursday night and say it doesn't seem to be ending as badly as it began. Of course, there's still Friday to get through but Friday's are generally pretty calm where I work.

I had to deal with a sticky employee issue this week. It's always so difficult to watch one of my workers struggle and dig themselves deeper into a hole. Sometimes when this happens they get to the point of no return but, hopefully, that didn't happen just yet and we may be able to salvage this one. I'd go into more detail but I hold my employee's confidentiality very dear.

Whenever I am face with employee issues I do a lot of second guessing. I am never quite sure if I'm making the right calls or giving them the right advice. I think about it constantly and I even dream about it. I want to do right by them so it stays with me for a long time. In the middle of all of this, my boss called me into her office and sprung my Employee Evaluation on me. We haven't done evals in a couple of years where I work. They are historically attached to a performance raise but we haven't been able to give anyone raises in a long time due to the state of public funding for mental health services. Rather than pocket the money we put what we get into our services. Commendable, at least.

So, I'm sitting there in her office and she hands me the form eval she's filled out and I start reading it as she's talking to me. I had to re-read it a couple of times because, as it  happens, it was absolutely glowing! I was floored. She then goes on to tell me that she could not do her own job if I wasn't there doing mine and that our entire program has relied on my knowledge and understanding and enthusiasm for the recovery process and that I have influenced so many people! Again, flabbergasted! After nearly a week of second guessing myself, my boss was telling me how valuable I was and how much of an asset I was. She then went on to say that when the Director of the Community Intervention Center retired next spring she hoped I would put in a letter of intent because, according to her, I was the most qualified employee for the job and, in her words, I would "shake things up!"

I was humbled. Truly humbled. I know I have a good work ethic and I do put a lot into my job and I can honestly say that I have always felt valued at my job. I've been there 20 years this month! But I had no idea she felt this highly of me. None at all.

That night when I went to sleep I thought about all of the wonderful things she said to me. It made me feel so good knowing that I have made some kind of impact in my life. It made me feel like I had a purpose. And that is a very good thing!

Being creative...

What the heck does that even mean, being creative? People tell me I am creative. I've heard that my whole life. At first, it was very flattering until I started to wonder exactly what they meant by that. At it's basest definition, being creative means being able to create...something. Everyone has the ability to do that. If you can make a sandwich you are creative. So, I came to realize that they probably weren't using that term in that form.


So, when someone says, "Wow, you're creative!" What does that mean? Is that a compliment? Do they really mean to say they like whatever it is I've created and they just don't know how to say that? Or do they not really know what to say about what I've created so they use it as a general statement or form of appreciation of some sort.

I know that I have certain talents, some more refined than others, but all equally give me inner pleasure. But I have days, weeks, months when I don't feel like I have one single creative cell in my body and I sit in a funk feeling like a hack who couldn't "create" her way out of a paper bag. I am my own worst critic so I dread actually sharing my art, music, writing with others because I fear what they will say. Oh, I have shared some but only what I have determined will be met with compliments or a kind "Wow, you are so creative!" because then I don't have to face the fear that maybe I am not as talented as I want to be.

Creativity really is within each one of us. I really believe that over time we learn to push it down into the deep recesses and then, over time, lose it altogether. It's a shame really. We all need to own a box of crayons and some clean white paper. We need to let that kindergartener who used to love to color out again. We need to be creative...whatever that means to each of us.

I know I do.