This Thanksgiving...

I know I have a lot to be thankful for in my life. I always have. I wouldn't consider myself wealthy by any means but I am blessed. I have an incredible family. This year it is even more present in my mind how important they are to me because, this year, I was not able to celebrate Thanksgiving with them. Now let me explain, this isn't the first time I have been without family at Thanksgiving. I spent one Thanksgiving in Sweden with Alex's family. Even though they don't celebrate this holiday they politely indulged me while I cooked a turkey with all the trimmings for them. My own family celebrated at home without me but even then I didn't feel this sense of missing out as I do this year.

Last weekend I came down with a cold. As I ran around getting what I would need to make one of the traditional turkeys I could feel this cold coming on. Sniffles, congestion, slight cough - it was coming. Over the next day or two it worsened. Luckily, I had taken this week off from work so I wasn't having to call in sick but if I hadn't there was no way I would have been able to go to work. That's a pet peeve of mine, by the way, people who come to work coughing and hacking who clearly should have stayed home. Anyway, on Wednesday, I cooked a 22 lb. turkey and carved it  up and got it ready to go on Thursday morning. When I went to bed Wednesday night I was still somewhat optimistic that I would be going to my sister's house to celebrate with my family. But, all night on Wednesday, I was forced awake by violent coughing fits which made me have to get up and out of bed to get them under control. By morning, it was clear, I wasn't going anywhere but CVS to get some more cough medication. I called my other sister and she took the turkey and I stayed home with a promise that she would drop off some left overs when she returned. I might have gone and toughed it out but my sister Terry is on medication for her cancer that lowers her immune system. She can't be around anyone with even the slightest cough and I surely don't want to be the one to make her sick!

I've been missing them all day. I know it's silly. I mean it's not like I'm never going to see them again and I also know that these feelings are fueled by my feeling really crappy and sorry for myself. But my family is fun and I know I missing out on some great laughs. And my nieces were bringing their families from Illinois with the little kids. I miss them. And Jenna who is now 21 is home from Marquette University. I miss her! And my nephew was bringing his kids and we hardly ever see them! I miss them too. And my brother in law Ron was coming today and he rarely comes to large family gatherings. I miss him too. And my oldest sister was making oyster dressing at my request and now I'm not there to enjoy it! I'm the only one left in the family that likes it! I want it and I miss it! I miss them all today. Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself and yes, I will see them all again. But these are the people I am most grateful for in my life. All of them. My siblings - Verda, Butch, Kathy, Terry, and Patsy. All of their families and their kids families. Together we are a fun, wild, crazy, loud, opinionated bunch. And I know how blessed I am to be a part of that!

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

Approaching Christmas...

As the days wind closer to Christmas and the New Year, I've been doing a lot of thinking. A LOT! Mostly, I've been thinking about how I have to get control of myself and start taking better care of me. These past couple of weeks I have been in a lot of pain with tendinitis and arthritis and then a cold that keeps coming and going again and again. I have felt exhausted and achy and I hate that I feel so impaired! A simple trip to the grocery store just about did me in. I can do better than this for myself and I'm determined to do it.

You see, I have a lot of things I want to do and I have to be in my best health to do it. I want to go to Sweden and if I'm not walking well or aching all over, that long flight and traveling would be a killer. I want to be able to walk through the streets of Stockholm without feeling like I'm not going to make it! I just had a birthday and Ive been feeling rather old and useless ever since. Now I know that's all in my head and I have to do the things I need to do in order to get it out of there!

I am not worthless...or old. I'm totally worth it.

So, today I started to take care of me. All day long, thinking of what's best for me and why. And you know what? It feels pretty damn good. Not selfish, like I thought it might, but just really good.

So, as I approach Christmas, I will celebrate. I'll celebrate the togetherness, the quiet peace that is Christmas. I'll celebrate my family and their individual gifts. And, best of all, I will celebrate me. The me I was meant to be.

Happy Birthday Jan!

Tomorrow is my father in law's 76th birthday. I wish we could be there celebrating with him. He's a bit what we call a "character" here in some of his mannerisms and ways of speaking. But, he is also very intelligent and keen on speaking to the standards of education and learning. He was, after all, a teacher at one time in his life.

The first time I ever met him I was afraid of what he was going to think of me. After all, there is an age difference between Alex and I that some people have a hard time understanding. Then there's the fact that I am an American! Haha, no one will ever admit that to my face but I feel that "silent knowing" feeling when I am there. You know, "oh, she's an American..." feeling. Swedes are very polite and would never make one feel uncomfortable but over the years I have heard bits and pieces of how we Americans are perceived in other countries. So, yes, there was that! I was nervous meeting Jan for the first time. It was completely uncalled for. He made me feel completely at home, welcomed and part of the family right away. Being that he is somewhat of a loner, meaning he prefers to not have a lot of people around at once, I knew our brief visit was taxing but he made me feel so good while I was there. He was so interested in talking to me, getting my point of view and, his favorite thing to do, getting my take on all things Swedish.

The next time we visited he had moved from his old home and into an apartment. We spent long evenings eating shrimp, drinking beer and talking well into the night. One other thing I found we had in common, we liked to watch some television. Though he would not admit it, he did like some reality television - mainly of the Swedish variety. We watched one that was as interesting as it was entertaining. A group of well known Swedish singers from different eras are brought together in one place. I think there might have been 7 of them. Each night, one of them is the host/star and the others all talk about how that person's music influenced them or good memories they had from listening to their songs. Then, one by one, they'd get up and sing one of the host's songs in their own style. It was all very entertaining though I had no idea who these people were or understood much of what they were saying. Jan filled me in on what I might be missing.

I speak very little Swedish though not for lack of trying to learn. I understand a little bit. It was pretty amazing though that while I was there the more I heard it the more I was picking up. I even dared to speak it once in a while if only to say "Tusen tack" or "Nej, tack!" which means "a thousand thanks" or "no, thanks". Jan got a kick out of hearing me try and would always make sure I got the right pronunciation. I liked sitting in the living room listening in while he and Alex talked and talked. I could only make out a few words here and there but I could tell from the tone that they deeply cared for what the other was thinking about and saying. I like watching Alex with his Dad, I know their road has sometimes been rocky but they have a great father/son relationship now.

Jan has a terrible time seeing. His eyesight has been gradually going and he is almost blind. I hope that when the time comes that he needs someone to take care of him we can do what we need to do and be there for him.

So, grattis Jan! Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah! Happy Birthday Pappa! Wish we were there to celebrate. We'll see you as soon as we can.

With love and affection,
Mary

Dignity...

My mother is dying.

Sorry to be so blunt but there is no other way to put that which both gets right to the point and illustrates the abruptness of death, regardless of how long a person lives.

She is dying.

Over the past months, I've watched her struggle to come to terms with her own mortality. When she had her stroke, she fought with each breath her 93 year old body could muster. She worked hard through her therapy and always, always, always lamented each day she had to be in that nursing home. She was being tube fed and all she could think about was solid food. She's ask us, every single time we visited, what we had to eat that day. When the day came when she could eat solid food again, she told me to "go home" when I came to visit her at that first dinner hour. She wanted to savor that dinner roll all on her own without the interruption of having to also make small talk! When she finally came home, she continued to work through her therapies but it was difficult. She was tired. Her body couldn't take much more.

She became frustrated. This was taking too long, this recovery. And it was harder than she could imagine. And she was stuck in a body that wouldn't cooperate, wearing adult diapers, not able to make sense of her words but with a mind as sharp as a tack which made it all the more frustrating. She became sad. She never wanted to be a burden, to have someone have to do anything for her let alone now do literally everything. She suffered the embarrassment of having her son-in-law have to lift her to the toilet while someone else pulled her pants down exposing her just so she could eliminate herself. She choked, often. Her ability to swallow was compromised so even the slightest bit of food or water could set off terrifying bouts of coughing and gasping for air. She ate less and less and now eats so little she is barely getting any nutrition at all. She went from a robust 148 pounds to about 90 pounds, if that. She cannot heal. She has a sore on her bottom and backside that is eating into her muscle and bone and oozing all the time in spite of the nurses packing it daily. Her pain increased in spite of her trying to keep up with therapy and now she is on morphine all the time.

My mother is dying. But...

She is dying at home surrounded by her children and grandchildren and great grandchildren. She has at least one moment every day when she still gets a good laugh. She hears someone say "I love you" several times each day. She gets to sit and pet Bella, her best canine friend. She has time to sit outside with the sun warming her thin face. She has been able to smell the spring flowers and see the first summer veg come up in the garden. She has been able to watch and bemoan her beloved Chicago Cubs while gently sipping a Miller Genuine Draft that she is never able to finish. She can still play cards every weekend. And win. She quietly welcomed her sisters for a visit a few weeks ago and tolerated that as best she could. They were understanding and grateful of the time they had together. It will be there last. She prays everyday. She asks if she will get to heaven. If she doesn't, none of us have a chance! She wonders what heaven will be like and we assure her that it will be just as she always believed it to be with Dad and my Grandparents and Aunt Sophie all waiting to welcome her in.

One day soon, I know, my mother will stop breathing and go into that great last adventure. After watching her struggle and hurt and suffer and wane away to almost nothing, I know that day will be a blessing for her. I'm ready for that day. I think she is too. But what I am most grateful for is that my mother could spend these last months, weeks, days, in the bosom of her family. Family has always been the most important thing in her life. We grew up with nothing but she always made us understand that we have each other. And now she has us and this is the proof that there can and should be dignity in life and dignity in death. No one should die alone and unloved. My mother will be celebrated when she finally passes. She will be celebrated by her former students, her colleagues, her friends but most of all her family. We are all who we are today because of her. We owe her so much. And I know that my life, in some way, has been a testament to this amazing lady.

My mother is dying.
And we are all at peace with that.

The Aftermath...

Yesterday, we got together with family and friends to celebrate Independence Day as we always do. My niece throws a ginormous party that starts mid-afternoon and goes on long after the fireworks at night. Everyone brings food and drinks and, let me tell ya, we do it up right! Here's just a partial list of what was served:

Home made meat ball bombers.
Brats and wienies.
Potato salad
Oriental rice noodle casserole (my sister in law is from Taiwan and the woman can COOK!)
Grape salad
Home made buffalo chicken hot dip.
Deviled eggs.
Fresh fruit!
Chips chips and more chips
Brownies
Cookies
Home made mini- cherry pies
More brownies
Chocolate chip cake
Confetti cake
Cupcakes
More cookies
Don't even get me started on the tequila soaked watermelon!
Rum Chata!
Shock Top Raspberry Wheat Beer
Mille Lite and Genuine Draft (C'mon...this is Wisconsin, after all!)
Pina colada slushies!
Did I mention the tequila soaked watermelon??? Oh yeah, I did!

We ate and drank and ate and then drank some more. It was a blast! Literally. We ended the night sitting on the shores of Lake Michigan watching the fireworks. Well, we didn't end the night there. We went back and ate and drank some more and then ended the night.

This morning came WAY TOO EARLY!! And it is a work day. And that sucks...big time! But it was fun in the biggest way and a well needed party break for everyone. Good times all around. Hope your Fourth of July was just as fun wherever you celebrated!

July already?

It seems this summer is passing me by! I can't believe it's already the Fourth of July weekend! I confess this is my favorite time of the year and this weekend is probably my second favorite holiday. The first is Christmas, of course.

What's to like about this holiday?

1. The Kenosha Civic Vets Parade - I have attended this parade every year since I was born. There've been some good years and some not so good year, in terms of parade attractions. There used to be way more clowns...which I hate. But they were also kind of fun...especially the one in the bathtub that rode around and would douse us with cold water. That was refreshing after sitting out in the hot sun all day waiting for the parade to start. I love the bands. When I was a kid I had friends who marched in the local bands. Now I have nieces and nephews who march in them. I always make a fool out of myself screaming their names as they march past. There used to be those great Kiwanis peanuts but they don't sell those anymore. But there are still cool and useless things to buy and I always do! Last year, it was a funny hat. The year before it was a blow up Superman thing. We get out there early, about 8am, and sit there all day until the parade starts at 2pm. We get McDonald's food and eat Twizzlers and drink copious amounts of water and slather on layers of sunscreen and we laugh and have a great time. I highly recommend it.

2. Our annual July Fourth back yard party. For the past couple of years it's been at my niece's home across the street from mine. We all bring food, sit around, do crazy things, play silly games, drink loads of beer and just generally have a good time. It ends with us walking up the street to sit on the rocky shore of Lake Michigan to watch the fireworks. That brings me to...

3. The fireworks - Now when I was a kid our fireworks used to be down on Simmons Island. We'd stake a spot on the grassy hill and ooh and awww as they shot out bursts of spectacular light over the lake. We'd listen to patriotic music as played by the Kenosha Pops and there was always some chick twirling flaming batons just before they started the big show. Then one year there was a terrible accident. The stand the fireworks were connected to tipped over toward the crowd just as they went off and those beautiful bursts of sparkly light became horrible shots of hot sparkling flames that shot directly into the crowd! That was the end of that. Now they shoot them off the North pier, far away from crowds. We can still see them and ooh and awww but it's never really been the same.

4. Sparklers and snakes - As a kid, we always had sparklers for after the fireworks. And snakes, those little pellets you light that cause an acrid stench of yellow smoke but squirm out into a long, black snake pattern before going out. These were the only two things we ever got. Now, in my neighborhood, there is a constant blast of bottle rockets and M-80s long after the "official" fireworks are over. Supposedly it's illegal to have this stuff in Kenosha but the police mostly turn a blind eye and it goes on all night.

The sad part comes in knowing that once it's all over the summer is waning and the end is near. But I won't think about that now. For now, I'm thinking about funnel cakes, brats, and beers! Happy Fourth everyone!

The times they are a-changin...

Today is Thanksgiving Day here in the US and that means I'll be with family, eating too much turkey and just having a good time in general. It's the usual way. Tradition.

Having said that, it has also been abundantly clear that my family traditions are changing forever this year. You see, my family has always thrived at this time of year. Beginning with Thanksgiving, these winter holidays - Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and New Years - have always been our greatest time of celebration. The highlight being our annual Christmas Eve get together at my mother's house. We would have traditional Polish food - kishka, kielbasa and the like - and we'd sing Christmas Carols and give each other gifts. Everyone would be there - all of the nieces, nephews, spouses and sometimes a stray friend or two. We'd cram ourselves into my mom's living room and it would be the best time of the year.

This year, my mother is not living at her house due to her age so we're not having it. She's living with my sister now and my sister always hosts an enormous Christmas Day dinner so to ask her to host Christmas Eve as well would be a little much. So this year, no get together, no carolling, no large crowd of family. In all of the changes that have happened this year, this, to me, is the most significant sign that our lives are and will be forever changed when my mother is gone.

I, for one, plan to cherish this Christmas. I know it may be my mother's last and I wish there was a way that I could give her the one last Christmas in her own home but I cannot. So I will hold on to what I do have - my mom at 93, my family - so close it's almost unnatural, my memories, and my dear husband, with whom I know we will make our own new traditions.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

Hallelujah!!

At last, we have approval from the embassy! The visa is approved and Alex will be on his way soon!! Wheeee hoooooooooooo!!!!

Little too much fun....

This is a late post. It all started innocently enough - a large gathering of family and friends out enjoying the sunshine, the food and celebrating Independence Day. Then someone said, "You know what we should get?" (I think it was me...) And the next thing you know we're mixing Jaeger Bombs and shots of Skull Vodka. Spontaneous singing of patriotic songs broke out. I still don't know all the words to "You're a Grand Old Flag" but that didn't stop me! Then my sister brought out the glow sticks and all hell broke loose. There was much revelry, even more things getting blowed up real good, and more Jaeger and Skull and then there were fireworks and more food and then....

I finally wandered home - walking - I live across the street from where the party was, hence the inebriation. I think it was about 2am. Got up the next morning at 7am to go stake out a space at the parade route. Sat in the sunny but cold weather watching the Kenosha Parade. Then onto yet another party with swimming (Brrrrr!) and a watermelon marinated in tequila and triple sec.

Luckily, I had Monday off so I had a full day to recover from my madness. It was a great Fourth!

(note: I have no idea why the word February is appearing under that first pic. 'tis a mystery...)

Glad Midsommar!

So today is the summer solstice and in Sweden that means PARTY ON, DUDES! Alex is here, of course, and not in Sweden so we've planned a little get together for later today. It won't be the Aquavit ridden, Maypole dancing excuse for debauchery that takes place in Sweden today but we will have schnapps and herring (for the more adventurous eaters...) and, in true American tradition, pretzels and beer.

The Swedes are not alone in their celebration of Midsommar. The summer solstice means more to the people of western Europe than it does us here because so much of their year is spent in mostly darkness. Once the sun comes out and stays out for any measurable time, it is a cause for celebration. And since the longest day of the year, the day with the most sun, is today - they will celebrate long and hard. Something along the lines of video above...

Okay, not exactly like that but you get the idea!

Anyway, I don't expect to be sober too long into the night. I will be dizzy with scnapps and beer and have the slight scent of herring. (Stop laughing, that's NOT what I was talking about and you know it....pervs...)

So, as they say in Sweden, GLAD MIDSOMMAR! Now go out there, dance around a pole and get your Swedish on!