On being two...

I follow a blog called "Home and Away" which I started reading awhile ago because it's written by a woman who moved to live in Sweden with her Swedish husband. I was interested in her point of view because, as you know, that is my dream. The blog was interesting in that she always showed how her daily life was there and also shared her thoughts on the new things she was experiencing and learning. Then her blog changed dramatically when it was discovered that her husband was ill. She wrote less often but when she did, remarkably, she didn't focus on his illness and struggles but rather shared those amazing times when they would take on some great adventure. Because of this, it seemed quite sudden to read that her husband had passed away. For a long while, she wrote nothing. But now she's back writing again and this time she is sharing her adventures as someone who is still grieving and learning to live as a single person once again. All of this led me to start thinking about my life with Alex.

Alex is my second husband. My first, Mike, was a great guy but we had some huge differences in our thinking and long term wishes and, over time, it wore me out. I was the one who filed for divorce and I know that hurt him very much. That's something I'm not proud of - hurting someone that I care about to this day - but I know that I had to do what I had to do for my own sake. So, I have to live with the regret of hurting Mike but not with the regret of leaving my marriage. It was necessary.

Alex - who is going to kill me for putting this all out there Haha! - sees in me what I have always known was there and makes me feel very alive again. Before getting married the first time I was single for a long time. So I know what it is like on both sides of that fence. When the person you love is the right one, there is so much strength in the number 2. Two people can move mountains. Or just sit quietly and take it all in.

The strength I feel in being with Alex seems to have more to do with what I give than what I take. I like doing things for him. Simple things that would probably set feminism back a decade or two but it's true that I like making dinner as much as I like having dinner made for me. I think there are times when I worry more about his well being that it drives him crazy! Me: "Are you sure you don't want a sandwich or something?" Him: "NO!! For the last time, no, I'm fine!!" Me: "Okay, just making sure. Are you sure?" Him: "STOP!!!!" and so on and so forth.

I find the planning ahead we do refreshing. It makes me feel like we are making a future together. And Alex is frugal. Sometimes more than I would like but, at the end of the day, I have to admit he's almost always right when it comes to saving money. Yet, he's not cheap. We have times when we splurge on ourselves and have a great time and I know it's because he was frugal to begin with that we can do that!

Being two means there will be times when we fight. But we always get over it. Being two means there are times when we work together like a well oiled machine. Most of all, being two means that there is always one other person, in the room, in the building, in the house, in the world, who knows me better than anyone and I can always trust that he will have my best interests at heart. Being two means we hold each other in deepest mutual regard and love one another deeply. We tell each other every day. We say the words "I love you" out loud. But, being two means that we really don't ever have to say it because we already know.

For me, being two has some definite advantages over being one.

Say what you mean, mean what you say...

I learned today that sometimes it's hard to say what you need to say to someone because of the fear that what you need to say could be taken as hurtful or upsetting. In the course of a training seminar on a completely unrelated topic, the presenter said that he felt the key to knowing when you love someone is being able to tell them anything and not be afraid to be criticized. I guess that's partly true. But I think there's more to it.

I think the key to knowing when you love someone is when you can really hear what they are saying to you. I mean really hear it, and not cloud it with self doubt, anxiety or judgment. Just opening up your mind and heart and taking in what they say and realizing that as scary as that moment may have felt, it was a good moment. It was a great moment. And in the end, it was a moment of deep communication and emotional sharing that just brought you closer together than before.

I don't think I've ever had a moment like that before.

So, how's the weather?

It's been a wild weekend here weather wise. Since Friday we have had a series of tornado warnings, flash flood watches and some of the most amazing lightening I've ever seen. I haven't had much of a chance to be on the computer because, frankly, it just didn't seem to be a very safe place to be this weekend! Also, I've been getting things together for Alex's visit here. He arrives on Tuesday and I'm so excited! I've managed to take most of the time he'll be here off of work so we'll have loads of time to be out and about and together. As excited as I am, I also know the time will go too quickly and he'll have to leave again. Getting us both located in the same place at the same time permanently is Job One from this point on. It's been amazing that we've been able to maintain this long distance relationship as solidly as we have but I think we're both getting very tired of only hearing one another on the phone or seeing each other on a webcam. It's good that these things are there but it's no kind of way to be in a committed relationship that you want to go forward and make plans.

But enough of that...

In two days, he's here! And right now, that's all that matters.

The interrogation...

Yesterday, I was at my mom's for dinner. It's a standing Friday night event. We all go to her house, take turns cooking and play Canasta afterwards. I got their earlier than anyone else so my mom and I were having a conversation. She began asking me all sorts of questions about Alex and his family and where they live and what they do and their ages and their relationships and... well, you get the idea.

It was a good talk though and I'll tell you why. My mom has a certain MO that she has followed all my life. It's predictable. If I am ever in a relationship, her first take on it is to not talk about it at all and almost show contempt if I do. Her next step is to "warm up" to those times that I will bring the relationship up. This happens even long after she may have already met the person I am with. Next, she starts asking some questions. These first questions are never directed at me but rather she will ask my siblings about the relationship to pick their brains about what they may or may not know. Lastly, she will just will just let fly with her interrogation. That's what she did last night. It's her way of showing her acceptance and approval in her own limited way. So, it made me happy that she was genuinely interested and wanted to know more about the man I love.

Mom's are funny that way. No matter how old we are, Mom is always protective and cautious with each step of our lives. I know my Mom doesn't want any of her kids to be hurt and I appreciate that. It's somehow sweet and sentimental to know that she still feels the same way about these things as she did when I was 16!

How old is old enough?

My mother, bless her 90 year old heart, still thinks her daughters are all still 16 and should be living by her rules. Especially when it comes to relationships. I was at her house today for our regular Sunday brunch/Canasta blow out event when one of my sisters brought up some tentative plans for this summer. She asked me if I was going to be involved in said plans and I told her that I wasn't sure since Alex was coming here for almost two months and I would have to wait and see.

My mom said, never looking up from her cards, "Almost two months?"
I said, "Yes, he's coming in June and staying for part of July and then I'm going back to Sweden for a while when he leaves."
My mom, still playing her hand, said, "Where will he sleep?"

Now, let me explain why that's funny. She knows full well that Alex and I have a relationship and he's been here for months at a time before and always stayed at my place which is a one bedroom apartment. So, she knows full well where he'll sleep. Haha! But, there is that something in her mommy voice that always renders me back to that 16 year old girl. And my response to her was, "In my apartment..."

Thus is the relationship my sisters and I have with our mother. We are well over the age of reason and half of us have stepped into the age of no return but we can still be reduced to "dutiful" daughter by this diminutive 90 year old woman. You gotta love that!