Wednesday, December 17, 2014

And so this is Christmas...

I'm usually very merry this time of year. My entire life Christmas has been my holiday. I've never understood those that just can't seem to get into the spirit of things and yet, here I am this year, feeling a wee bit down in the dumps. Sort of. It's really strange. Everything I do to get ready for the holidays reminds me of my mom. I miss her so much this time of year. And deep down I am feeling clingy and wanting to be desperately close to family. I will be with them all on Christmas Day but we won't really have our "traditional" Christmas until New Years Day which means my personal celebration feels very disjointed and lonely. And then again not.

Everything I do to get ready for the holidays also brings with it that same childlike feeling of anticipation that I always get this time of year. That feeling of knowing that the tree with shine so beautifully and the cookies with be so sweet and the cider will taste so warm and mellow and the music will be so soothing. Everyone will be nicer. I love that. And I do feel that...mixed in with the melancholy.

It dawned on me that I am the one in my family that will always be the loner. I have Alex and that is all. They all have their kids and grandkids (some of them) and they all get together to have their own traditions. Alex and I do what we can and we do love our little Christmas time together but it's not really the same. It's hard for me, someone who has always been in the middle of an enormous family, to get used to. I feel a little left behind. Last night I dreamt that Alex left too. I woke up in the middle of the night with tears in my eyes and had to find his hand for comfort. Silly, I know...but sometimes, especially at this overly sentimental time of year, the heart does silly things.

I know, in the end, I will have a good Christmas. It will be filled with light and love and all good things. But now, in preparation, the thoughts and memories rush in and sometimes they overwhelm me.

No comments: