And so this is Christmas...

I'm usually very merry this time of year. My entire life Christmas has been my holiday. I've never understood those that just can't seem to get into the spirit of things and yet, here I am this year, feeling a wee bit down in the dumps. Sort of. It's really strange. Everything I do to get ready for the holidays reminds me of my mom. I miss her so much this time of year. And deep down I am feeling clingy and wanting to be desperately close to family. I will be with them all on Christmas Day but we won't really have our "traditional" Christmas until New Years Day which means my personal celebration feels very disjointed and lonely. And then again not.

Everything I do to get ready for the holidays also brings with it that same childlike feeling of anticipation that I always get this time of year. That feeling of knowing that the tree with shine so beautifully and the cookies with be so sweet and the cider will taste so warm and mellow and the music will be so soothing. Everyone will be nicer. I love that. And I do feel that...mixed in with the melancholy.

It dawned on me that I am the one in my family that will always be the loner. I have Alex and that is all. They all have their kids and grandkids (some of them) and they all get together to have their own traditions. Alex and I do what we can and we do love our little Christmas time together but it's not really the same. It's hard for me, someone who has always been in the middle of an enormous family, to get used to. I feel a little left behind. Last night I dreamt that Alex left too. I woke up in the middle of the night with tears in my eyes and had to find his hand for comfort. Silly, I know...but sometimes, especially at this overly sentimental time of year, the heart does silly things.

I know, in the end, I will have a good Christmas. It will be filled with light and love and all good things. But now, in preparation, the thoughts and memories rush in and sometimes they overwhelm me.

The aftermath....

Christmas was good. It was different, but good. I can't really explain the difference but ever since my mother, the Matriarch of the family, has been in a nursing home, our Christmas traditions have been shaken. We no longer have the huge Christmas Eve blow out that we always have had. Instead, that night is spent alone with our small families. Which means Alex and I are together alone. That is a huge difference for me and something that is taking me some time to get used to. Right now, it rather depresses me. I don't like change when it's inflicted upon me. But then, I look around at our little home and all of the wonderful gifts we got and our little tree with all it's shining Christmas glory and tradition and I can't be depressed for very long.

And since it is now OUR traditions we are making we don't have to adhere to anyone else's time line for when we choose to have dinner, drinks, or even open our presents. So, in the words of the cast of the musical "Mame", we needed a little Christmas, right that very minute - and we opened our gifts to each other two days early. And even though I thought I was regretting that decision, it was the perfect decision. We took the pressure out of our Christmas and did it our way.

Now I don't want to brag but I am a big baby head at heart and I have never, ever grown out of that excited feeling when someone gives me a present. Oh, I love to give presents too, don't get me wrong! But getting presents is great! And I'm not ashamed to say I love it! What's more, my dear husband completely outdid himself this year! I should be ashamed to have this much stuff. Seriously.

He not only got me practical, yet high end tech toys, he managed to get me a bunch of really personalized thoughtful gifts too. I got the iPad air, and a Kindle paperwhite, and new headphones. I also got a really cool shirt, a new Swedish tea cup (I love tea!), a bunch of art supplies - new sketchpad with complete sketching set, a copy of "Franny and Alexander" - one of my favorite Bergman films, and a Clay Matthews bobble head! He knows I love me some Green Bay Packers and that Clay is my personal favorite. All that from a guy who can't stand to be in the same room with me when the game is on! Who knew he was paying attention all that time! I love him so much.

Ironically, we duplicated our high end gifts to one another. I was trying to get him the new PS4 but my chances of getting that before Christmas was slim to none. So it was the iPad air and the Kindle Paper white for him as well along with a slew of other things like clothes for running and a new really cool jacket.      

So we celebrated our way. Gave each other a load of cool stuff and opened it all early. And you know what? Even though change is hard and getting used to new traditions isn't easy for me, this was a great Christmas. One I wouldn't trade for the world. Because I got to spend it with someone I love very much and that is what Christmas has always meant to me.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

I got our little Christmas tree up and decorated last weekend. It's such a measly looking thing. Charlie Brown's tree puts ours to shame. You see, over the years since Arnie came to live with us, we've discovered that a Christmas tree is really just an over sized cat toy. Think about it. It's shiny and sparkly and it even has jingle bells on it. He cannot keep away from it and neither of us have the energy anymore to try to keep him from it. He's just that relentless! So, he bats around the ornaments and tries to take the beads off and, once in a while, he tries climbing it. So be it! It's still very pretty to look at and we've consigned ourselves to getting a new tree every other year! LOL

It's snowing outside right now. I really big snow too. In fact, there's a winter weather advisory issued for our area and people, in true first snowfall fashion, have been crashing all over the interstate all afternoon. You'd think with this being Wisconsin folks would know how to drive in this. Or know to stay home. But there's always that first storm that weeds out the bad drivers from the good. I stayed home today and I'm staying in all night. I should go out and move my car but I'm taking a chance that I won't get a ticket for leaving it on the wrong side of the street. And if there's a snow emergency I could get a ticket for that too. So nice they make it impossible to live in a place with "off street parking" rules in the winter but not every place provides off street parking.

Still can't complain! Broken tree and probable parking ticket aside, it's starting to look like Christmas here and that makes me very, very happy! I have a lot to be thankful for this year and every year and ending it with a peaceful Christmas season is the best thing ever.

I even had some Winter Spice Christmas Tea tonight. What could be better than that!

More memories....

When I was ten years old, that was a very rough year for me. A lot happened to me that year, some of it very good and some of it very bad. I started the year out getting hit by a car in the neighborhood. It was my fault. I was riding my best friend, Janet's new blue Schwinn and I rode right out the end of her drive way and into traffic. I hurt my left knee, scraped it up good. From the outside, there were no other injuries so my Mom swabbed Mercurochrome on it and wrapped a bandage on it and sent me on my way with a warning not to be so stupid. Years later, of course, there was damage to that knee and I have a hard time with it ever since but that's neither here nor there.

That summer something else bad happened to me but I'm not going to go into that now. One huge bad thing that I will write about - it felt bad at the time - was that my Dad sold his bar/restaurant that had been my only home and moved us to the dreaded "South side" of town. South side at that time is pretty much midtown these days but back then moving anywhere south of 60th street seemed like a whole other city! I didn't want to go! I was leaving everything I knew and loved and I was NOT happy about it. My sister, the only other sibling left at home, couldn't care less. She was going to be one block from St. Joe's where she went to school and that was a good thing for her. I was going to St. George's, back in the old neighborhood. The only reason I didn't have to change school was because my mom taught second grade at St. George's. So I got to stay there. If I had lost that too I would have been a nutcase that year!

So, we moved. And guess what? I made new friends in my new neighborhood and they were all pretty cool kids. And the neighbor had a pool so I didn't really even miss Lake Michigan all that much.

Then came Christmas...
Now I'm not sure how my mom packed our stuff when we were moving. I know that for about two months we couldn't find my gym shoes so I got out of gym class for that! At Christmas, we always put each ornament back in it's original boxes and carefully placed in three large trunks. It was that way every single year. But the year we moved, we couldn't find our angel anywhere. We had the coolest old angel on our tree. I think my parents got it back in the 30's and she was a bit worse for wear but she looked like Greta Garbo in sparkles and when you got her on the tree she shined like a goddess and it all was right with the world. Putting that angel on the tree was the grand finale to decorating. She was the last piece...the one we all waited for...long after the last strand of tinsel had been placed. Once she was there we all stood back in childlike wonder. And now...we moved and she was GONE!!

I couldn't take it. After all the horrible things that I had been through that year I needed that angel. I needed that small tattered harbinger of hope that everything was going to be okay...but she was gone. I wailed. I cried. I accused my mom of throwing her away. I was inconsolable. My poor mom searched everywhere for that angel. She was just plain gone.

That was my dad's cue. Now my dad was a peace loving man. He never liked conflicts of any kind which, as a kid, often could work to my advantage. If I wanted something and my mom said no, I could pitch just enough of a fit to have my dad given in. I was sneaky like that sometimes. On this night, however, my dad was the knight to the rescue. He told me that this was a new home and a new year was coming and we had to make sure that our tree was ready for all the good changes that would be coming our way. He put on my coat and hat and took me right then and there to Wilson's. Now, if you are from Kenosha, you remember Wilson's. You could get anything there. Even a myna bird. They had a hundred angels to choose from. Well, to a grief stricken ten year old it seemed like hundreds. It was probably more like 15. My dad told me to take my time. He said this wasn't something you rushed because that angel was going to be with us for a long time and we wanted to make sure she was the special one with the special blessings. I looked at all of them. They were all very pretty. Some in white and gold, some in green and red. And then there was her. The one in white with silver trim. She held onto two small candles that actually lit up when she was plugged in. But her face...that was what got me. She had this tiny, half-knowing, comforting smile on her porcelain face. I knew instantly she was the one.

That angel was on our tree for the next 40 years. When my mother moved out of her home, I took that angel home with me. Last year, she sat in front of our tiny table top tree with her candles glowing hopefully in the night. This year, I couldn't find her. I know she is here somewhere, just as my mother knew our old angel was somewhere back when I was ten. Maybe that's how the angels do it. They are here when we need them most and then they simply disappear and it's time to find a new angel to bring you special blessing for the next part of your life.

Christmas Memories...

I've had a lot of Christmases in my lifetime so I thought I'd take the next few days to share a few of them. Some are good, some are not so good but all of them I hold in my heart.

One Christmas I will always remember is one that happened when I was about three years old. I think it's my earliest memory and I think I only remember it so well because we have photographs to prove it happened. I was a rough and tumble kind of kid. I loved to play and when I played, I played hard. Family photos show me looking very "ragamuffin" most of the time with dirt and food and whatnot all over me. One set of photos from a Christmas long ago was no different.

What I remember about that Christmas was two things, mainly. The first was the realization that all my siblings were home together at one time. I don't recall living with my older siblings at all! We have that large an age gap between us but I clearly remember being very excited when I three because my brother and older sisters were all at home and they loved to play with me and it was just a time of out and out fun! I remember decorating our big natural tree and then once all the huge, hot lights were on it I remember having tinsel on it, piece by piece. My mom let me do it even though I mostly put big clumps on the tree and not the dainty way she did it. No one uses tinsel anymore, do they? I know it was pretty much banned when it was discovered to have lead in it but there was nothing so beautiful as that huge tree shining with all the silver tinsel. I loved that. I remember lying on my back with my head under the tree looking up at the lights and the silver and thinking it was as close to heaven as a three year old could get.

This was also the year that I wanted to give gifts to my family. My mom let me take things from around the house and wrap them and put them under the tree. I think I gave her her own spatula for Christmas that year and I remember giving my sister a potato. Haha! It's the thought that counts and I wanted to give them something.

But the best part of that Christmas was what I found on Christmas morning. Santa never let me down and I am still a firm believer that he does exist. In my stocking, every year like clockwork, there were peanuts, an orange, an apple and a banana and one Chocolate Santa. I got this same stocking year after year into adulthood and it was the best stuff on earth. There was no need for tons of candy or silly stocking stuffers. That orange, apple, banana and peanuts were like magic to me. I looked forward to them each year. But Santa also brought me something amazing that year. I got a baby doll almost as big as me who said "Mama" when you tipped her over and I got a red and white tricycle. I have a photo somewhere of me, with my Dutch boy hair cut, a mess of a sweater with some left over breakfast on it, my new tricycle and my brother all looking happy and having a blast.

I love Christmas to this day but I don't think we ever really appreciate it as much as when we were little. This year my family will have a whole new batch of brand new babies to celebrate with and I hope that seeing Christmas through a child's eyes will take me right back to that wonderful place of tinsel, oranges, baby dolls and tricycles.

Approaching Christmas...

As the days wind closer to Christmas and the New Year, I've been doing a lot of thinking. A LOT! Mostly, I've been thinking about how I have to get control of myself and start taking better care of me. These past couple of weeks I have been in a lot of pain with tendinitis and arthritis and then a cold that keeps coming and going again and again. I have felt exhausted and achy and I hate that I feel so impaired! A simple trip to the grocery store just about did me in. I can do better than this for myself and I'm determined to do it.

You see, I have a lot of things I want to do and I have to be in my best health to do it. I want to go to Sweden and if I'm not walking well or aching all over, that long flight and traveling would be a killer. I want to be able to walk through the streets of Stockholm without feeling like I'm not going to make it! I just had a birthday and Ive been feeling rather old and useless ever since. Now I know that's all in my head and I have to do the things I need to do in order to get it out of there!

I am not worthless...or old. I'm totally worth it.

So, today I started to take care of me. All day long, thinking of what's best for me and why. And you know what? It feels pretty damn good. Not selfish, like I thought it might, but just really good.

So, as I approach Christmas, I will celebrate. I'll celebrate the togetherness, the quiet peace that is Christmas. I'll celebrate my family and their individual gifts. And, best of all, I will celebrate me. The me I was meant to be.

My holiday weekend and wasn't much of a holiday...

As much as I love Christmas, this Christmas was one I would have rather have missed altogether. On Christmas Eve, my mom had a stroke. She was found on the floor of her bathroom by my sister and rushed to the ER. Luckily, she was found in the necessary three hour window that made it possible to start the TPA treatment. This treatment is crucial to seeing improvement in stroke patients. However, given her advanced age, we were told that there was also a 50/50 chance this treatment could make her bleed internally and that, if she did, it would be fatal. Knowing that, we let them start treatment. Also knowing my mom would never want to live in the condition she was in on that day. She was then taken to Froedtert Hospital where she spent two night in the ICU.

I spent the rest of the weekend going up to Froedtert and each time there were noticeable improvements. Small improvements but improvements none the less. She cannot use her right side. She can lift her right arm but cannot direct it to do anything but the day before she wasn't even able to lift it. She can speak but it's not really what she wants to say. Words come out and she gets frustrated because she cannot express herself. Still, she can speak! She cannot swallow. She failed two swallow studies so they are going to insert a G-tube so they can feed her. And she will have a stent put in her neck to relieve the blockage that caused the clot which caused the stroke.

Her color is good and she does understand what happened and knows where she is. So, we'll take this one day at a time. Our hopes are that once she is released she will go to Brookside here in Kenosha for some rehab and then, hopefully, back to my sister's house where she will be more comfortable.

All in all, this Christmas was stressful and sad and never ending. But, we're all here. And we're all alive. And each day brings something else to feel hopeful about. That being said, I know that I have the best family in the world and the most caring friends. And I know I have the strongest mom in the world so even at 93 years old and struggling to get through this her faith and inner strength will take her far.

The day after...

Today a gentle snow is falling lightly outside. The Christmas tree is lit with a nostalgic day after glow. The presents are opened and sitting under the tree on display. The coffee is hot and comforting. The kitties are warm and snuggling. And all is right with the world.

Here are some shots from Christmas 2009






Christmas highlights -
Singing carols at my mom's house.
Eating traditional Polish food on Christmas Eve.
My sister's house all decked out in lights.
Opening gifts at home with my husband and loving every minute of it.
Hearing little Sophie say "Mehwwy Cwismas!" with all the sincerity of a 2 year old.
Playing Charades at my sister's house. Who knew Alex would be the whiz at that game!?
Watching my oldest sister trying to act out "My Humps" and get her team to guess it. (Oh how I wish I had video for that one! LOL )
Watching my mom watch her family and smiling. She's 92 and may not have many more Christmases.

Happy New Year everyone!

The perfect gift...

You know how it feels when you've made all your lists, checked them twice, crashed your way through the hoards of shoppers, and managed to get the exact, perfect gift for someone? That happened to me this year.

Last spring, my brother, who is a history buff happened to mention a hat he saw at Kenosha's Civil War Museum gift shop. He liked it a lot but didn't get it for himself because he thought it was too pricey. Fast forward to last Monday, I was out Christmas shopping, wondering what the heck to get my brother, when I somehow remembered him talking about that hat. So I went the museum and there it was.

The look on his face when he opened his gift on Christmas Eve was priceless. He was shocked that it was the exact hat he wanted and even more shocked that I had remembered he wanted it. He put it on his head and wore it for the entire rest of the evening.

At one point, he pulled it down over his ears and made this face.


Yup, that's my bro. He's a bit of a goofball but I love him and it was great getting him the perfect gift that he'll cherish and remember for a long time to come.

Merry Christmas everyone...

I just want to wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a Peaceful New Year. Alex and I are counting down to midnight so we can open our gifts. We're starting early! Haha! Just like a couple of kids, we can't wait and, well, since it's just us - we don't have to wait!!

The cats are sleeping soundly waiting for us to go to sleep so they can further deconstruct the tree. Don't believe me? Here's Brig in her new favorite spot.


Hope you're all warm and safe and with loved ones this holiday season. Here's to a New Year. One full of love and hope and all good things! Skål!

Ho ho ho...

Getting ready for Christmas this year has been a wangdoodle of a time. I was lucky in that I got much of it done before Alex arrived. Now there's just some wrapping and decorating that has to take place. I am very glad I don't have any more shopping to do because the weather here has reached Arctic temperatures and having to run around too much in that stuff is painful!

We got a good deal of snow dumped on us late last week and we're due to get some more tomorrow. I don't have to work until after the New Year so I don't really care but I wish it wasn't so blasted cold. I would love to go out and make a snowman but I would freeze my tuckus off!! Actually, with a tuckus this size freezing some of it off might not be a bad idea....

Here are some shots of the recent snow. Enjoy! (These shots are best enjoyed with a cup of hot chocolate!)





Stay warm every one!

When putting up the Christmas tree is like the WWF...

I put up the Christmas tree tonight. I love putting up the Christmas tree but putting up a tree with two cats is like a cage match in the WWF. I spent most of the time shooing Arnie and Brigette out of the way. I have a small tree and it took me about two hours to get it in an upright position. Once I lit it up, I went into the kitchen to wash tree goo off my hands. When I came back, Brigette was happily sitting at the top of the tree looking at me.

I didn't put the ornaments on it yet. I spent the next hour shooing and clapping at them and swearing a lot. Arnie finally gave up and went to sleep on the couch. Brigette has decided her new sleeping place is under the tree. I fully expect to find it all in a big heap when I wake up tomorrow morning.

Merry Christmas!

Last night we started the "official" Christmas celebration at my mom's house. I say "official" because, truth be told, we've been pretty much celebrating all week. So last night, Christmas Eve - Polish style. Starting at around 5:30pm the family gathered in my mom's smallish living room. I'm not sure if the room is smallish or rather we are all super-sized but either way, it was a very cramped fit. But also a wonderful fit. Virtually all of my nieces and nephews showed up for this one. B.G. flew in from Hawaii and Amy flew up from Virginia bringing her new baby girl, Sophia. All in all, there were about 35 people there which was a little overwhelming for new baby, Sophia, but for the rest of us, it felt like home.

My sister, Verda, did all the cooking this year. My mom turned 90 last October so cooking for a gang like that would have been too much for her. Verda made all the favorites. Kishka - also known as "blood sausage", kielbasa, smoked Polish sausage, cheesy potatoes, home made cinnamon rolls, fruit whip, and an enormous variety of cookies and home made breads. Before we ate, we each broke off a piece of the Oplatek. That's a thin wafer, almost like a Communion wafer, and everyone takes a piece, makes a silent Christmas wish or blessing and then eats it. It has no taste at all but it has meaning...that's the point.

After everyone is finished eating, we cram ourselves once again into the living room. We sing all of the traditional carols and then it's time for presents. Two of the younger nieces play Santa and begin passing out the gifts. No one who comes to my mom's house at Christmas ever goes home empty handed. She manages to get something for everyone to open and it is always something personal and special. I hate to admit it but I made out like a Christmas bandit this year! I got two pairs of slippers, a blanket, some Joe Boxer pj's, a wallet, some gift cards for shopping later, and a couple of snowmen to add to my collection. I even got a gift card for my cat!

The night ended with our traditional attendance at Midnight Mass at St. Elizabeth's Church. There are was a short concert before it started. My sister Patsy's sings in the choir and she did a solo on "O Holy Night". After Mass, everyone went home to their own homes to rest up for the big event on Christmas Day.

I'm writing this just before getting ready to leave for that one. Christmas Day will be held at my sister Patsy's house. There will be so much food there that we will all feel secretly ashamed of ourselves for eating it all and then going back later for seconds or thirds. But the best part of all of this, Christmas Eve or Day, is that we are all together, laughing, loving and just being our silly selves just like we have always been and know that we will always be. That's the thing about families - they like you no matter what because they already know who you are.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Ten days...

I have never been a very patient person when it comes to waiting. I get tense and stressed and short tempered and, well, to be honest, bitchy. I have ten days to wait until Alex gets here. Then, I am off work, with pay, until January 5th. I've started the countdown, believe me. I find myself checking the National Weather Service at least four times per day. The weather here is unpredictable and we've gotten more snow than usual for this time of year. I love snow but it also means O'Hare shuts down or flights are delayed and the thought of that just adds to my overall tense bitchiness. Ah hell, I'm excited!

I spent part of today at my mom's house helping her put up her tree. When I was a kid we always got a real tree. It was a highlight of the season, going out in the cold, arguing about how tall of a tree we should get, tying it to the top of the car, losing it a couple of times, and then putting it up. My dad always managed to get it to lean one way or the other and would end up tying to a nail in the wall just to make sure it would stay upright through the holidays. A couple of years ago, my sister, who thinks she is Martha Stewart, convinced my mom that a fake tree was the way to go. Which is weird, since this particular sister always has a real tree. My mom agreed and another sister just gave her an old fake tree that she had. Now this tree is the artificial equivalent of that poor scrawny tree that Charlie Brown chooses. I got it out of storage today and unwrapped it. My Martha Stewart sister had trussed it up with so much twine it a bit of a mental challenge just to get the damn thing unwrapped. But we got it up even though it is leaning to the right. I kind of like that it is. It reminds me of my dad. The lights were already on it, thank god, so that was one argument we could avoid. My mom has gotten shorter over the years so I had to put the angel on the top. I've always felt sorry for the angel topper that my mom has. It's pretty enough and has lights that twinkle but to get her stay on the tree I literally have to shove the top branch up her hiney. No wonder her lights twinkle! Ha ha!

We left it at that because my mom likes to decorate it herself. She'll do some every day this week until it's finished. She'll also put out her old creche. One of my other sister's made it a long time ago in a ceramics class she once took. The manger is enormous and each king, shepherd and camel weighs a ton. It takes up a lot of space and over the years some of the paint has rubbed off the Baby Jesus and I think one of Mary's arms is glued back on. But you know what? Those are the exact reasons that I know that after my mom passes away we will all be fighting over that thing. It's the visual embodiment of a memory. Just like all those goofy hand painted ornaments we all made when we were kids, the bread dough choir I made with the funny pinched faces and paper mache dog bone ornament with the name of our long dead family dog on it. I think I know why my mom likes to decorate her lopsided tree all by herself. My mom is 90 years old now and, I think, each one of those crazy homemade beauties reminds her of all those years when we were all there together. I know the sight of her tree makes me feel that way. I think it makes us all feel that way because the first thing we will all do when we gather at her house on Christmas Eve is take some time to look at the ornaments, remember the stories and laugh.

The Power of Positive...oh, shut up!!!

Today being Tuesday it felt like Monday and dragged longer than a gorilla's knuckles. I took some time to revise my list of things to do before December. I realize there are only a few weeks left until December and though I have done blessed little on the list, the list itself is quite a neatly organized wonder. I'll take that as a victory. I have much to do before December.

December is when Alex will be coming here from Sweden for the holidays. Cleaning this hell hole of an apartment is Job ONE on the list. I have a whole plan for that and I go over it nightly in my head before I fall asleep. One of these days I'll actually put this grand plan into play!

There is also the shopping. I was thinking since he'll be here for the holidays and away from his own traditions I would try to find some of the traditional foods he's used to to incorporate them into our festivities. I know I can get herring here and something close to the type of cheese he's had there. I did find a site where I could order some caviar cream cheese called Kalles that I thought would be fun to surprised him with. I also found ready to drink Glogg - a spiced wine concoction mulled with raisins and almonds. I placed the order (grand total = $11.00 USD) but when I checked the shipping and handling I was floored! They were going to charge me $48.00 US for shipping! And it wasn't even being shipped from outside the US. Pffft! We can make do with Kraft cheese and Door County Red!

Speaking of shopping, I have to start thinking about what to get my mother for Christmas. She's 90 years old and every year insists that she doesn't want anything at all. This, of course, is a lie because if any of us showed up with nothing we'd never hear the end of it. She is impossible to shop for too. Very picky and very practical. No knick knacks, doo- dads, clothes or cash. I'm thinking lottery tickets may be the way to go.

As for me, I'd like to be all sweet and kind and giving and say I just want peace on earth and whatnot. But I am really hoping for a new digital camera! hahaha!