Knowing how lucky I am...

I can be kind of a pain in the ass sometimes. I let work and every day aches and pains get to me and I lose sight of the things that are really important. I bitch. I admit it. I was moping a bit before Christmas because I kept thinking of all the things I don't have. I don't have my Mom here anymore. I don't have the traditional Christmas Eve family gathering anymore. I don't have...I don't have...I don't have...

By the time Christmas Eve arrived I was pretty much resigned to the idea that it was going to be bad. But, you know what? It wasn't. It was quiet. It was just me and Alex and we had a great time. We exchanged our gifts and had a great dinner and sat in the glow of our little tree and it was sweet and special and enough. Then, on Christmas Day, it was really brought home to me how truly lucky I am to have a big wonderful extended family. We all gathered at my sister's house - this year wearing our ugliest Christmas sweaters for the first time - and ate ourselves silly. She really cooked up a storm - ham, turkey, lasagna, potatoes, veggies, rolls, salad, stuffing and more home made candies and cookies than humanly possible to consume. We played Charades which is always cut throat. My team, the Lithuanian Thunderpants, narrowly missed a win but finally lost to the Nacho Muchachos by one point. We would have won but we had a rookie on our team, my niece's new boyfriend who never played Charades before! We laughed and sang carols and had a blast.

And you know what? That is what Christmas is all about. I didn't think for one moment that  I was missing anything because I couldn't ask for anything more! I am blessed. Blessed with the biggest, nuttiest, most fun family in the world. And I love them dearly.

Madness...

Every day we're hit with more bad news. It seems the news media is hell bent on making damn sure we are ever aware of the racial and economic inequities between us and uses each incident of violence to widen chasm of hatred and bigotry. I watched in sadness as the events in Ferguson, MO unfolded. I sat in stunned silence when I heard that two officers had been shot "execution" style in New York. And today, the news reports that right here in Wisconsin an Officer will not face criminal charges for shooting a man who was sleeping in a park several months ago. Of course the officer was white and the man was black. It was self defense. None of that matters. What matters is that this is just another day in this crazy messed up country of ours.

We have allowed ourselves to succumb to the constant battering of fear and hate that is broadcast daily on our televisions. The news media reports in such a way that it keeps us all on edge, wary of each other, not trusting. We don't know why for sure, we just know we don't trust the other guy. It could be his color. Maybe it's his neighborhood. Maybe he speaks differently or doesn't have the same kind of job as we do or maybe no job at all! God forbid he be one of "those" people who needs food stamps. "They" are all lazy ne'er do wells who could all be working but choose not to. How do we know? Because our news media tells us it's true. They make it easy to identify the "bad" guy too by using selective adjectives like "white" police officer and "black" man. It sickens me. I have been following these cases closely on social media and this type of race baiting brings out the worst of the trolls. Those people so hidden in internet anonymity that they will say and post anything. I've seen some of the most hateful, horrendous things posted and it makes me ill. When did America lose the capacity to care for it's own? When did the steps our forefathers made, those in the civil rights movement, become so clouded that this current generation doesn't even remember their meaning anymore? Why do we hate so much?

We cannot rely on our government to change this. That's not going to happen. Government can only do so much and will only do what suits it best. We cannot rely on churches to change this. Religions have been the cause of so much of the in-fighting for centuries. We must rely on each other! We have to stop and think. Take a breath. Realize that we have the same heart. The same soul. We are family. The Human Family. We have to start taking care of one another and stop fearing each other.

I'm trying to hold on to the hope of this Christmas season but my heart and head are so heavy right now. It's such a sad, sad world we live in.

And so this is Christmas...

I'm usually very merry this time of year. My entire life Christmas has been my holiday. I've never understood those that just can't seem to get into the spirit of things and yet, here I am this year, feeling a wee bit down in the dumps. Sort of. It's really strange. Everything I do to get ready for the holidays reminds me of my mom. I miss her so much this time of year. And deep down I am feeling clingy and wanting to be desperately close to family. I will be with them all on Christmas Day but we won't really have our "traditional" Christmas until New Years Day which means my personal celebration feels very disjointed and lonely. And then again not.

Everything I do to get ready for the holidays also brings with it that same childlike feeling of anticipation that I always get this time of year. That feeling of knowing that the tree with shine so beautifully and the cookies with be so sweet and the cider will taste so warm and mellow and the music will be so soothing. Everyone will be nicer. I love that. And I do feel that...mixed in with the melancholy.

It dawned on me that I am the one in my family that will always be the loner. I have Alex and that is all. They all have their kids and grandkids (some of them) and they all get together to have their own traditions. Alex and I do what we can and we do love our little Christmas time together but it's not really the same. It's hard for me, someone who has always been in the middle of an enormous family, to get used to. I feel a little left behind. Last night I dreamt that Alex left too. I woke up in the middle of the night with tears in my eyes and had to find his hand for comfort. Silly, I know...but sometimes, especially at this overly sentimental time of year, the heart does silly things.

I know, in the end, I will have a good Christmas. It will be filled with light and love and all good things. But now, in preparation, the thoughts and memories rush in and sometimes they overwhelm me.

Remembering...

Today is Memorial Day here in the US. It's a day set aside each year to remember those who've gone before, mostly with an emphasis on those who've lost their lives in the armed forces. So today I will remember some of my loved ones.

My Dad - I've written a bit about him before. He was a kind, generous man who worked hard for his family. He was also a lover of mischief and could give as good as he got!

Uncle Ted - AKA Michael - My Dad's brother and best buddy. They golfed every Tuesday in the Senior League at Muni up until the year my Dad got sick. They'd count each other strokes studiously and then argue about their scores between each hole. It was a ritual with them!

Aunt Evelyn - Uncle Ted's wife - the women barely spoke above a whisper and when she did it was only to remind Uncle Ted to remember to tell us something. She'd never just say it herself. I never understood that!

Aunt Myrtle - Dad's sister - she married late, staying at home to take care of Grandma, and then when she married, she married well! Her first husband was a railroad man and she inherited a lot of money. Her second husband was with the Kraft Corp. and she inherited even more! She used to bring my mom clothes she didn't want anymore and my mom would always says, "Aunt Myrt's hand me downs are better than my regular clothes!"

Aunt Hazel - Dad's other sister - How I loved my Aunt Hazel! She was like something out of a Norman Rockwell painting and always smelled of fresh baked bread and lilacs. I adored her.

Uncle Leo - my Mom's brother in law - Leo Boname - a philosophical French Canadian who ran on his own time much to the chagrin of my Aunt Mayme. Uncle Leo had a rolling Frenchish brogue and smoked a pipe that smelled of cherries and tobacco. He loved telling stories and that made him a favorite of mine! If Danny Kaye and Albert Einstein had a love child it would Uncle Leo.

Uncle Buster and Uncle Bill - Actually, these two weren't my uncles at all. They were my cousins but they were so much closer in age to my parents that we just called them "uncle" all the time. Bus and Bill, brothers who loved life. Both served in the military. WWII - Bill over in Europe and Bus in the East. Bus was nearly killed when his ship was attacked. Thankfully, both came home and had families and friends and full lives.

Myrle Jane - Buster and Bill's sister - also a cousin to me. Myrle was a WAVE! She served in the Navy post war. My mom used to have a beautiful photo of her in her uniform. She looked so pretty in that photo!

There are more, many more, Aunts and Uncles and Grandparents that have passed on. But these are the ones that were special to me because I remember visiting with them and talking with them. The others, I never really knew. They either passed away long before I was born or we just never had the chance to meet in life. As I think of these ghosts from my past so many other memories come through. Not just the time spent with each of them but the trips we took as a family to get there, who was with us and how long we stayed and other things that happened while we were there. I used to love those family trips. Such a production to get there but so worth it once we were there.

Happy Memorial Day!

Bittersweet...

So, now I'm back in the US for a full week and it's been good to be home. Our trip to Sweden was bittersweet this time. So much cleaning up to do there and getting ready to move Alex's father into an assisted living. It felt like it was the end of something.

We took one day to drive into the Swedish countryside to revisit those special places Alex used to frequent when he was a kid. It was the best day of our trip and the views and vistas we saw were stunning. Truly beautiful. It made us rethink our desire to move to the Stockholm area. I think if we move we will move into a more rural area where we will not feel so closed in. Notice I said "if" we move. After this trip, our decision to move there is not so final as it was before. With both of Alex's parents in homes there is nothing to go back home to now except to visit them where they live and are being cared for. It's a strange, orphan-like feeling.

My experience in Sweden this time was marred by bad health and physical pain. I have a problem with the tendons and ligaments in my right shoulder which I didn't get looked at before we left. It worsened while we were there, probably due to over use, and by the time we got home I could barely stand it! I start therapy this week and I can tell you that even though I have a high tolerance for pain, this pain is making me insane. There just seems to be no relief no matter what I do.

It was good seeing friends and family for sure and we'll be sure to see them all again. I have a special place in my heart for Sweden. The sky is bluer there than I have ever seen. Even on a clear day here the blue cannot be matched. The clouds hang like cotton candy there and look as though you could touch them. The greens are vibrant and constant. White birch trees are plentiful and gather in forests so deep you could lose yourself. People are friendly to a point but mostly respectful of your feelings and your privacy. Wine and laughter flow freely. It's a wonderful place and one I know I will go to again and again.