We all have, in our pasts, those things we look back on and think, "What were we thinking?" For some, those moments are especially life changing and often dangerous. For some of the people we serve in our agency, some of those moments have been horrible. People living with co-morbidity, which is co-occurring diagnoses, of mental illness and addiction, the addiction often overshadows any achievements later in life. People tend to remember the times when someone is "out of their minds" on crack cocaine, alcohol or other drugs. People tend to remember the times someone spent incarcerated or hospitalized and no matter what the someone may accomplish later in life, people tend to remember.
Living down the actions of the past can be one of the most difficult things someone living with a mental illness has to face. For some people, the adage is "once an addict, always an addict" and, while that may be true in principle, it does not always hold true in actions. Even among mental health professionals it is difficult to let go of the past and trust that the person has grown beyond that destructive behavior. Sadly, it's true that sometimes the individual has been told so many times that they are nothing and worthless because of their addictive actions that they "live up" to that reputation by believing it themselves. I deal with a lot of people who are taken off guard to find someone who listens to them with judgement and who doesn't hold their past against them. It floors me that I have adults who have never had anyone in their lives to tell them they are unique, capable individuals who can accomplish whatever they put their minds to. I grew up in a family where that was the norm so to see so many broken people who've never heard that is disheartening.
If we were all judged solely by our past actions, there would be many of us who would always hang our heads in shame. But the truth is - people can and do change. People can learn from their past experiences and move forward using that knowledge to make their lives better. Notice I did not say past mistakes nor did I say they should forget. I don't believe in mistakes. I think we make choices in life and sometimes those choices have very negative consequences like going to prison or getting divorced or losing your kids. All things that can break a person and sometimes cannot be remedied. There are no guarantees in life - only choices. The key is to learn how to live with the choices we make. And to move beyond them. Kicking an addiction has to be the hardest endeavor ever. People don't understand that it is not a matter of simply quitting. There is so much underlying psychological baggage that has to be address as well as the actual physical need the body maintains. It hurts to detox. Rehab is hard. There are sometimes very hard circumstances to be faced. There are trauma issues that need to addressed and all of this takes not just will power but deep resolve and a support team that will be there unconditionally. Not many people have that. It takes bravery beyond description and if the person has a co-occurring diagnosis, like schizophrenia for example, there also has to be effective mental health treatment. What there doesn't need to be is someone making judgements or holding past actions against them! They need to know that they can let go of their past and until we can let go of their past that just won't happen.
Showing posts with label addiction. Show all posts
Showing posts with label addiction. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Thursday, October 4, 2012
TV Salad...
I'm a child of the television age. Growing up, I used to live to watch all the newest sitcoms. Being a 70s kid, this meant that I watched The Brady Bunch, The Partridge Family, Happy Days, Laverne and Shirley, All In The Family, Sanford and Son and others until my mother would force me to turn off the TV and go to bed! Through reruns I was able to see great shows from the 60s like The Andy Griffith Show and The Dick Van Dyke Show. There were also some great variety shows at that time - Carol Burnett, Sonny and Cher and even Donny and Marie - but, alas, those shows and that genre aren't with us anymore. Sad really because those shows were awesome!
The sitcom, back then, was king! Even into the 90s I watched sitcoms - Roseanne, Friends, Cheers - were all on my nightly viewing list. In the 90s we had some great one hour dramas too and I was hooked on ER for almost all of their seasons.
These days, I don't watch much network TV anymore. I haven't found a sitcom that I think is really funny though friends swear some of them are. Big Bang Theory is one that gets mentioned a lot. Sorry to say I haven't watched a single episode. I used to watch The Office but I don't really consider that a sitcom per se. And every once in a great while I'll watch an episode of 30 Rock. Nope, these days my network TV viewing is delegated to mostly reality shows or contest type shows. Survivor is my all time favorite show. I've watched every single season. I also like The Amazing Race. Something about the challenge combined with the global adventure of those two shows gets me every time.
Though I used to watch talent related shows like American Idol and The Voice, I'm kind of over them. I haven't been too jazzed about the talent on those shows and the formula for the shows got old real fast.
Because I am admittedly a reality TV junkie I am often perusing cable channels to get my nightly fix. Big faves this year are Project Runway, Dance Moms, Real Housewives of New York and New Jersey, International House Hunters (again with that global adventure theme), and Top Chef. I also hang my head to admit that I get stuck watching what I can only refer to as the "train wreck" of reality shows. Oh you know the shows - Celebrity Rehab, My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding and (I'm so ashamed) Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. Yes, I have watched it. And I probably will again.
Then there are the shows that I run across that I will stop to watch when I'm bored and there's nothing else to do. I don't know why I find them interesting. They're not really intense or deep in any way. They are fluff. Harmless and somewhat entertaining. These shows would include 19 Kids and Counting, Storage Wars, and anything on TLC with little people in it.
Would you believe I find the Kardashian's insulting and disgusting? Ha! I do! I can watch Honey Boo Boo til the cows come home but the Kardashian's make my skin crawl. I have no idea what the difference might be but that's the way I feel.
I suppose I should feel stupid admitting that I watch all this crap. And I guess a part of me does. But I also listen to great music, read a lot, paint, go to the theatre and can carry on a great conversation. So, at the end of the day, my little reality TV addiction hasn't hurt me all that much. And a surprising fact is that if I say, in the midst of any group of people, "Has anyone watched Honey Boo Boo?" There will be at least three people who have and who do! So I am not alone in my horrible TV habits!
I gotta run. I think Say Yes to the Dress is on. Oh, that's another good one! Ta Ta!
The sitcom, back then, was king! Even into the 90s I watched sitcoms - Roseanne, Friends, Cheers - were all on my nightly viewing list. In the 90s we had some great one hour dramas too and I was hooked on ER for almost all of their seasons.
These days, I don't watch much network TV anymore. I haven't found a sitcom that I think is really funny though friends swear some of them are. Big Bang Theory is one that gets mentioned a lot. Sorry to say I haven't watched a single episode. I used to watch The Office but I don't really consider that a sitcom per se. And every once in a great while I'll watch an episode of 30 Rock. Nope, these days my network TV viewing is delegated to mostly reality shows or contest type shows. Survivor is my all time favorite show. I've watched every single season. I also like The Amazing Race. Something about the challenge combined with the global adventure of those two shows gets me every time.
Though I used to watch talent related shows like American Idol and The Voice, I'm kind of over them. I haven't been too jazzed about the talent on those shows and the formula for the shows got old real fast.
Because I am admittedly a reality TV junkie I am often perusing cable channels to get my nightly fix. Big faves this year are Project Runway, Dance Moms, Real Housewives of New York and New Jersey, International House Hunters (again with that global adventure theme), and Top Chef. I also hang my head to admit that I get stuck watching what I can only refer to as the "train wreck" of reality shows. Oh you know the shows - Celebrity Rehab, My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding and (I'm so ashamed) Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. Yes, I have watched it. And I probably will again.
Then there are the shows that I run across that I will stop to watch when I'm bored and there's nothing else to do. I don't know why I find them interesting. They're not really intense or deep in any way. They are fluff. Harmless and somewhat entertaining. These shows would include 19 Kids and Counting, Storage Wars, and anything on TLC with little people in it.
Would you believe I find the Kardashian's insulting and disgusting? Ha! I do! I can watch Honey Boo Boo til the cows come home but the Kardashian's make my skin crawl. I have no idea what the difference might be but that's the way I feel.
I suppose I should feel stupid admitting that I watch all this crap. And I guess a part of me does. But I also listen to great music, read a lot, paint, go to the theatre and can carry on a great conversation. So, at the end of the day, my little reality TV addiction hasn't hurt me all that much. And a surprising fact is that if I say, in the midst of any group of people, "Has anyone watched Honey Boo Boo?" There will be at least three people who have and who do! So I am not alone in my horrible TV habits!
I gotta run. I think Say Yes to the Dress is on. Oh, that's another good one! Ta Ta!
Monday, July 25, 2011
A few words about Winehouse...
I've been thinking a lot about Amy Winehouse since hearing of her death. I was somewhat of a fan of hers. Not a huge fan, mind you, but I did enjoy her music when it would play on my shuffle. She was talented. She went back and dug into the music she loved and made it current and relevant.
She was also an addict.
Though the toxicity report on her is still out, I'm sure there will be some link to her almost constant use of drugs. Whether she had them on board when she died or not, a little body such as hers cannot last too long under all that abuse.
I've heard so many disparaging remarks made about her since her death. Things like, "No big surprise" and "I'm surprised she lasted this long" to "what a freakin' mess she was". It's sad really. Sad because her death will now supercede her talent and she will always be known as the sad addict who couldn't control herself. I'm sure she was much more than that.
Addiction is a funny beast. To addicts, their drug of choice seems so fun and exciting until the day when they realize they cannot control it anymore. Then they begin living for the beast. They do it in spite of knowing they are killing themselves, hurting the ones they love and ruining their lives forever. Even those who manage to beat it cannot go back to truly make amends. The damage, physical, mental and emotional, is done. The best they can do is to live the rest of their lives trying to prove they've changed. And sometimes the acceptance they so need just never comes. That's why so many relapse. It takes courage to kick it and learn to love themselves. That courage is hard to find.
I work with addicts every day. Some are addicted to alcohol, some to cocaine, some to other harder drugs. Some are addicted to seeking approval. Some, to hurting themselves. Addictions come in many forms. But one thing I know for sure is this - all of these addicts are real people, with real hopes, and dreams and stories that you knock you on your ass. They've lived through some of the worst abuse you could ever imagine. They have felt unloved and unwanted their whole lives. Yet, they are funny, personable, talented, caring individuals. They just can't see that in themselves.
I'm sure Amy Winehouse had a story too. No one just starts out "normal" and becomes "an addict". There is a significant amount of "footwork" that happens when they are children or teen agers. There is a feeling of loss, of nothingness, of being less than everyone else. There is abuse, in some cases, and neglect, in others. Drugs, for that brief moment, take that away and fill that void and make people feel bigger than they are. That's how they get you. And once they have you, you are theres. Sometimes, unfortunately, right up til the end.
She was also an addict.
Though the toxicity report on her is still out, I'm sure there will be some link to her almost constant use of drugs. Whether she had them on board when she died or not, a little body such as hers cannot last too long under all that abuse.
I've heard so many disparaging remarks made about her since her death. Things like, "No big surprise" and "I'm surprised she lasted this long" to "what a freakin' mess she was". It's sad really. Sad because her death will now supercede her talent and she will always be known as the sad addict who couldn't control herself. I'm sure she was much more than that.
Addiction is a funny beast. To addicts, their drug of choice seems so fun and exciting until the day when they realize they cannot control it anymore. Then they begin living for the beast. They do it in spite of knowing they are killing themselves, hurting the ones they love and ruining their lives forever. Even those who manage to beat it cannot go back to truly make amends. The damage, physical, mental and emotional, is done. The best they can do is to live the rest of their lives trying to prove they've changed. And sometimes the acceptance they so need just never comes. That's why so many relapse. It takes courage to kick it and learn to love themselves. That courage is hard to find.
I work with addicts every day. Some are addicted to alcohol, some to cocaine, some to other harder drugs. Some are addicted to seeking approval. Some, to hurting themselves. Addictions come in many forms. But one thing I know for sure is this - all of these addicts are real people, with real hopes, and dreams and stories that you knock you on your ass. They've lived through some of the worst abuse you could ever imagine. They have felt unloved and unwanted their whole lives. Yet, they are funny, personable, talented, caring individuals. They just can't see that in themselves.
I'm sure Amy Winehouse had a story too. No one just starts out "normal" and becomes "an addict". There is a significant amount of "footwork" that happens when they are children or teen agers. There is a feeling of loss, of nothingness, of being less than everyone else. There is abuse, in some cases, and neglect, in others. Drugs, for that brief moment, take that away and fill that void and make people feel bigger than they are. That's how they get you. And once they have you, you are theres. Sometimes, unfortunately, right up til the end.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
I am hopelessly lost in Farmville and then guess what happened?
So, as you all know, I am a Farmville addict. So, today, there I was winging my way between my US farm where I make wine in my winery, and have no less than 5 dairy barns, and my UK farm, where I am growing blue belles and breeding sheep in their own BOOM CHICKA WAH WAH love nest, when what do I get? I get a message from Facebook that says, "Rich invites you to be his neighbor in CityVille!"
WHATTTT????? CityVille?? Hold the phone, hold your horses!!!
So, after I "fertilize all" my crops in the US and check to see if my duckies have matured into bigger duckies, I click "Yes" to respond. And what do my eyes behold? CityVille...all the wonders of Farmville without the manure pile. Yes, I spent hours building little bungalows to increase my city's population. I built businesses and added roads and collected rents and sent the train out to other city's to bring back goods for all my little peeps. Then I clicked on some of the "neighbors" and visited their cities and helped their businesses and even opened up some franchises of my newly formed French Pastry empire.
Yes, I was hooked. It's just as much mindless fun as Farmville. So, now what am I to do!? Oh, I know what I'll do. I'll be checking all three of these games tomorrow. Hopefully, getting there before my crops wither or my city becomes a crime scene. (Okay, I made that last part up. I have no idea what happens to my city if I don't attend to it on a daily basis.)
See? Here's my prob. I start to feel personally responsible for these little animated people that live on these farms and in this city. It goes back to some trauma I experienced when I got The Sims game for Christmas one year. I was mindlessly playing along The Sim, making houses, taking on new jobs, trying to keep my Sim happy only to lose control of it all. One time, I had so overworked my Sim, without a moment's rest, that he finally just past out in the middle of the street and slept for the next 12 hours. I also started my Sim house on fire and burned it to the ground when I tried to have my Sim cook a meal without realizing I was supposed to actually learn how to cook. The stove caught fire, the curtains, the walls, and, unfortunately, my Sim who ran screaming into the street in flames and died. He freakin' died! What kind of a game was this? If that wasn't bad enough, the next Sim character I created was doing pretty well. Even got married. Had a baby too! But here's where it all went to hell in a hand basket. My Sim was working a lot to keep up with the bills and when she wasn't working she had to play and rest so she was "well rounded". No, seriously, if you've ever played The Sims, you know what I'm talking about. Anyway, this left blessed little time for her to attend to that baby! And you know what happened? Social Services came and took my Sim baby and put it in Foster Care! I kid you not!
So, you see? I am not good at these games. I tend to let things slide after a while. I'm sure all Sim people everywhere are glad I haven't played that game in years. But I also know that my farms will suffer eventually. Crops will wither. Animals will suffer. I've already had a couple of pet dogs run away because I forgot to feed them. It's only a matter of time before my City goes up in flames too! Just a matter of time...
WHATTTT????? CityVille?? Hold the phone, hold your horses!!!
So, after I "fertilize all" my crops in the US and check to see if my duckies have matured into bigger duckies, I click "Yes" to respond. And what do my eyes behold? CityVille...all the wonders of Farmville without the manure pile. Yes, I spent hours building little bungalows to increase my city's population. I built businesses and added roads and collected rents and sent the train out to other city's to bring back goods for all my little peeps. Then I clicked on some of the "neighbors" and visited their cities and helped their businesses and even opened up some franchises of my newly formed French Pastry empire.
Yes, I was hooked. It's just as much mindless fun as Farmville. So, now what am I to do!? Oh, I know what I'll do. I'll be checking all three of these games tomorrow. Hopefully, getting there before my crops wither or my city becomes a crime scene. (Okay, I made that last part up. I have no idea what happens to my city if I don't attend to it on a daily basis.)
See? Here's my prob. I start to feel personally responsible for these little animated people that live on these farms and in this city. It goes back to some trauma I experienced when I got The Sims game for Christmas one year. I was mindlessly playing along The Sim, making houses, taking on new jobs, trying to keep my Sim happy only to lose control of it all. One time, I had so overworked my Sim, without a moment's rest, that he finally just past out in the middle of the street and slept for the next 12 hours. I also started my Sim house on fire and burned it to the ground when I tried to have my Sim cook a meal without realizing I was supposed to actually learn how to cook. The stove caught fire, the curtains, the walls, and, unfortunately, my Sim who ran screaming into the street in flames and died. He freakin' died! What kind of a game was this? If that wasn't bad enough, the next Sim character I created was doing pretty well. Even got married. Had a baby too! But here's where it all went to hell in a hand basket. My Sim was working a lot to keep up with the bills and when she wasn't working she had to play and rest so she was "well rounded". No, seriously, if you've ever played The Sims, you know what I'm talking about. Anyway, this left blessed little time for her to attend to that baby! And you know what happened? Social Services came and took my Sim baby and put it in Foster Care! I kid you not!
So, you see? I am not good at these games. I tend to let things slide after a while. I'm sure all Sim people everywhere are glad I haven't played that game in years. But I also know that my farms will suffer eventually. Crops will wither. Animals will suffer. I've already had a couple of pet dogs run away because I forgot to feed them. It's only a matter of time before my City goes up in flames too! Just a matter of time...
Friday, April 8, 2011
Interesting Ways Farmville has affected my life, Part 2...
Great. Farmville now has given me the option of having two...yes, count 'em, TWO farms. One in Farmville, USA and the other in Farmville, UK. So, you know what that means? I can obsess about getting home in time to harvest my crops before they wither in two countries! I can worry that my fruit trees will ripen while I'm away in two countries! I can wax lyrically about all the great sheep I've bred and cows I have in my dairy farms in TWO FREAKIN' COUNTRIES!!
Seriously, I am a woman possessed. As on line games go, Farmville US and UK are seemingly harmless, time wasters but once they hook you, YOU ARE IN! You will not be the same person anymore. You will make up other Facebook pages with aliases just so you can "friend" yourself to get more stuff for your farms. It's like internet heroin, I swear! Mindless, numbing and addictive. It's better than heroin. There aren't those nasty needles to contend with!
I wonder if there is a 12 step program for this....
Seriously, I am a woman possessed. As on line games go, Farmville US and UK are seemingly harmless, time wasters but once they hook you, YOU ARE IN! You will not be the same person anymore. You will make up other Facebook pages with aliases just so you can "friend" yourself to get more stuff for your farms. It's like internet heroin, I swear! Mindless, numbing and addictive. It's better than heroin. There aren't those nasty needles to contend with!
I wonder if there is a 12 step program for this....
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
My facebook addiction...
I need a twelve step program for facebook users. Hello, my name is Mary and I am a facebook addict. I'm not quite sure when this all crept up on me. It started innocently enough with me logging on once in a while, leaving a quick status update and the occasional message for a friend or two. Then one night I thought what could it hurt to take a quiz or two or ten. And how much damage could happen if I just tried out some of these games. Farmtown? Cute... Farmville...more cute...Mafia Wars...forgetaboutit!! I became hopelessly hooked. Anyone who is on my friends list can easily see by my constant feed of game updates that I am an addict. I find myself wondering if my energy has replenished itself or if my sunflower fields have blossomed. I wonder if it's time to work again in Yoville and what else I can buy for my spiffy apartment there. Crap, I live in a nicer place in Yoville than I do in real life!! I eagerly look to my notifications to see which of my friends have updated their status or posted a new "All About Me" quiz. This is an illness. I know it is!
My friends complain that my lost cow announcements from Farmville are crowding up their home pages but as I see I have 26 Farkle chip requests, 6 Vampire wars requests, 8 Sorority Life requests, and at least 15 Farmville requests, I can clearly see I am not alone in my illness. Hell, I don't know if I'm ready to quit. I haven't reached my facebook rock bottom yet I guess. If you're ever in Yoville, look me up, leave a message...or better yet...gift me something nifty for my digs!
My friends complain that my lost cow announcements from Farmville are crowding up their home pages but as I see I have 26 Farkle chip requests, 6 Vampire wars requests, 8 Sorority Life requests, and at least 15 Farmville requests, I can clearly see I am not alone in my illness. Hell, I don't know if I'm ready to quit. I haven't reached my facebook rock bottom yet I guess. If you're ever in Yoville, look me up, leave a message...or better yet...gift me something nifty for my digs!
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
When does it stop...or does it?
I quit smoking. Actually, I've quit any number of times but this time it's been for the longest period of time that I've ever quit before. I haven't really thought about smoking in all that time. Until today...
I don't know why but all of a sudden tonight I just had the worst craving for a cigarette that I've ever had. It struck me at first that maybe I was just hungry but that couldn't be it because I had just eaten. Then I thought maybe I was thirsty so I got some water. Still didn't stop the craving. Then I thought, okay, maybe I was just bored. So I did something...still craving. I started to dig around in my purse thinking there was an wayward cig in there or something even though I knew that wasn't the case. I haven't had any cigarettes on me in well over two months now. It was the strongest, most irrational craving I've ever felt. I was even thinking to give in and go out and buy a pack of cigs but at that point I realized how stupid that was. I got online and looked up some stuff about smoking and quitting and eventually the craving went away.
It got me thinking about how powerful an addiction can really be. I mean, yes, it's just smoking, not heroin or alcohol, and people beat the smoking habit all the time. But the fact that this hit me so suddenly and so hard after all this time really got to me. I really feel that if I was with someone who smoked I would have given in. It's given me new respect for those people I know who have conquered greater addictions than mine. It's also made me painfully aware of the power this holds for me and has made me even more cautious about being aware of the triggers that make me want to smoke. Thinking on this, I realized that today was a particularly stressful workday for me and I think that's what brought this on. Man, it was ugly and I don't want to feel that again.
I don't know why but all of a sudden tonight I just had the worst craving for a cigarette that I've ever had. It struck me at first that maybe I was just hungry but that couldn't be it because I had just eaten. Then I thought maybe I was thirsty so I got some water. Still didn't stop the craving. Then I thought, okay, maybe I was just bored. So I did something...still craving. I started to dig around in my purse thinking there was an wayward cig in there or something even though I knew that wasn't the case. I haven't had any cigarettes on me in well over two months now. It was the strongest, most irrational craving I've ever felt. I was even thinking to give in and go out and buy a pack of cigs but at that point I realized how stupid that was. I got online and looked up some stuff about smoking and quitting and eventually the craving went away.
It got me thinking about how powerful an addiction can really be. I mean, yes, it's just smoking, not heroin or alcohol, and people beat the smoking habit all the time. But the fact that this hit me so suddenly and so hard after all this time really got to me. I really feel that if I was with someone who smoked I would have given in. It's given me new respect for those people I know who have conquered greater addictions than mine. It's also made me painfully aware of the power this holds for me and has made me even more cautious about being aware of the triggers that make me want to smoke. Thinking on this, I realized that today was a particularly stressful workday for me and I think that's what brought this on. Man, it was ugly and I don't want to feel that again.
Saturday, March 8, 2008
That thing you do...
We all have them. Those secret pleasures that we keep quiet because, even as we enjoy them, we know how silly and stupid they really are.
Hello. My name is Mary and I am a reality TV junkie.
I can't help it! I swear. It seems the more stupid and inane a show is the more I am drawn to it like a moth to a flame. I watch them all - Survivor, American Idol, Next Top Model, Celebrity Rehab, Big Brother. I'm a goner. There is some weird psychological pull to each one for whatever reason. I ask myself how people can get involved in those shows. Are they that desperate for their 15 minutes of fame? I scoff at their antics. I make fun of their stupidity. I laugh at their impossible sincerity through it all. I KNOW it's all crap and yet I tune in each and every time. So what does that say about me? I'm not someone who drives around the block to come back to view an accident. I don't go out of my way to see the sites of disasters. But for some reason, when it's being broadcast into my living room, I have to see it all.
Is there a 12 step program for all of this? Even if there was I don't think I would be able to stop. I admit I have the problem but I'm not so sure I'm willing to do anything about it!
Hello. My name is Mary and I am a reality TV junkie.
I can't help it! I swear. It seems the more stupid and inane a show is the more I am drawn to it like a moth to a flame. I watch them all - Survivor, American Idol, Next Top Model, Celebrity Rehab, Big Brother. I'm a goner. There is some weird psychological pull to each one for whatever reason. I ask myself how people can get involved in those shows. Are they that desperate for their 15 minutes of fame? I scoff at their antics. I make fun of their stupidity. I laugh at their impossible sincerity through it all. I KNOW it's all crap and yet I tune in each and every time. So what does that say about me? I'm not someone who drives around the block to come back to view an accident. I don't go out of my way to see the sites of disasters. But for some reason, when it's being broadcast into my living room, I have to see it all.
Is there a 12 step program for all of this? Even if there was I don't think I would be able to stop. I admit I have the problem but I'm not so sure I'm willing to do anything about it!
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