Keep on moving on...

I had my two week follow up appointment with my ortho surgeon yesterday and he was very pleased with how well I am healing and doing over all. He's okayed for me to return to work two days per week starting next week which is good! I never thought I'd say it but I'm looking forward to it. I was getting cabin fever sitting here and there's only so much daytime TV a person can stomach!

My knee continues to get better each day. It's strong! Like a rock! The numbness is slowly leaving and I'm dealing with the tiny bit of pain I have as best I can. Therapy kicks my ass three times a week but it's all good. My PT Cheryl is the bomb. She pushes me to do my limit but listens when I get there and let her know when it hurts too much to go one more. She's really good and I'm really glad I went back to her for outpatient therapy.

My meds got decreased at my doc appointment which is always a good thing. I hate taking pills. In fact today I only took one pain pill before therapy and just rode out the pain afterwards using some yoga breathing to relax and work through it. It worked just fine.

Next week, I'm going to venture out and give driving a try. We shall see how that goes!

Hi Ho Hi Ho To Surgery I Go...

So, the kind people at Comprehensive Orthopedics have x-rayed me and it is determined that the time has come. On February 9th, I will have my left knee replaced. For the last couple of weeks I have been in the most excruciating pain I have ever felt. The x-ray showed that not only do I not have any cartilage in my knees and they are bone on bone, the left side is actually bone overlapping bone causing a sharp knife stabbing burst of pain with the tiniest of movement and a constant throbbing ache. My right knee is holding it's own for now but will eventually have to be replaced as well. The doc gave me some Tramadol for pain and it worked for about the first day but now it does nothing.

I know I'm lucky to work in a place with health insurance but I will have to pay for 20% of the total cost of this procedure and the hospitalization even with the insurance. And because I live in a two story walk up that is tiny and not conducive to in home therapy I will be going to in-patient rehab for physical therapy for a few weeks. Again, insurance will pay but only 80% so this will cost me some dollars. To add insult to injury, I do not have enough paid sick time accrued to cover the lengthy recovery time and I only have four weeks of paid vacation times to use which is half of the shortest recovery time I have been quoted. I've applied for Family Medical Leave but that will be unpaid time. So, this is a real bummer. Physically, I feel like shit yet know I can't live without getting this done but financially - it's a blood sucker.

We'll be okay. We always are. Somehow, Alex and I will get through this and carry on and I'll be healthier and happier for it. He's been a ROCK throughout all of this - putting up with my whiney, crabby ass and taking such good care of me. Even making fun of me when it gets too serious. I love him for that.

So, I will be the proud owner of a new bionic knee very soon. I'm sure recovery will have it's pain but nothing can match with what I'm living with right now. Unbearable. Really.

Letting go of history...

We all have, in our pasts, those things we look back on and think, "What were we thinking?" For some, those moments are especially life changing and often dangerous. For some of the people we serve in our agency, some of those moments have been horrible. People living with co-morbidity, which is co-occurring diagnoses, of mental illness and addiction, the addiction often overshadows any achievements later in life. People tend to remember the times when someone is "out of their  minds" on crack cocaine, alcohol or other drugs. People tend to remember the times someone spent incarcerated or hospitalized and no matter what the someone may accomplish later in life, people tend to remember.

Living down the actions of the past can be one of the most difficult things someone living with a mental illness has to face. For some people, the adage is "once an addict, always an addict" and, while that may be true in principle, it does not always hold true in actions. Even among mental health professionals it is difficult to let go of the past and trust that the person has grown beyond that destructive behavior. Sadly, it's true that sometimes the individual has been told so many times that they are nothing and worthless because of their addictive actions that they "live up" to that reputation by believing it themselves. I deal with a lot of people who are taken off guard to find someone who listens to them with judgement and who doesn't hold their past against them. It floors me that I have adults who have never had anyone in their  lives to tell them they are unique, capable individuals who can accomplish whatever they put their  minds to. I grew up in a family where that was the norm so to see so many broken people who've never heard that is disheartening.

If we were all judged solely by our past actions, there would be many of us who would always hang our heads in shame. But the truth is - people can and do change. People can learn from their past experiences and move forward using that knowledge to make their lives better. Notice I did not say past mistakes nor did I say they should forget. I don't believe in mistakes. I think we make choices in life and sometimes those choices have very negative consequences like going to prison or getting divorced or losing your kids. All things that can break a person and sometimes  cannot be remedied. There are no guarantees in life - only choices. The key is to learn how to live with the choices we make. And to move beyond them. Kicking an addiction has to be the hardest endeavor ever. People don't understand that it is not a matter of simply quitting. There is so much underlying psychological baggage that has to be address as well as the actual physical need the body maintains. It hurts to detox. Rehab is hard. There are sometimes very hard circumstances to be faced. There are trauma issues that need to addressed and all of this takes not just will power but deep resolve and a support team that will be there unconditionally. Not many people have that. It takes bravery beyond description and if the person has a co-occurring diagnosis, like schizophrenia for example, there also has to be effective mental health treatment. What there doesn't need to be is someone making judgements or holding past actions against them! They need to know that they can let go of their past and until we can let go of their past that just won't happen.

The view from my office door...

is making me sad.

It is the sister of a friend of mine who is really struggling right now with her illness.

She is a beautiful woman, usually bright eyes, personable, gifted in that she sings like an angel and is a talented actress.

Right now, she's wearing dirty clothes, her stomach handing out over her pants, her hair unwashed and her eyes dull.

If she would accept she has an illness and work to manage it so she could have a quality of life she would become that bright eyed, talented woman again. But she doesn't and so she won't.

I've known her since high school and seeing her like this and not being able to help breaks my heart. It really does.