A pause for self appreciation...

In social work, one thing you learn early on is that it is very rare when anyone stops to say thank you for anything you've done for them. It's a gift to know you're doing something good and it has meaning and to let that be enough. Occasionally though there are days when others point out that what you do is important and necessary and valued. For me, today was one of those days.

As the final months of my job loom ahead, my immediate boss has let me know that he is working out some sort of plan so that I can remain employed at this agency where I have put in my very best for the last 15 years. Though I trust him implicitly I also know that he is not the final say in this matter so I am keeping my options open, hoping for the best and cautiously awaiting whatever comes. I decided to take this time to rev up my resume making it look better and up to date. I contacted some of the partner agencies I've worked with over the years and asked them to write a letter of reference for me to attach to my resume. Of the five agency presidents I've asked all five gave me an overwhelming yes AND all five have made job offers. Even though I'm intent on staying where I am those offers were generous and made me feel so valued. It was the best kind of thank you possible.

This afternoon, the Executive Director of my agency (my boss' boss - the big man)stopped by my office to chat. This is something he does quite often and normally the chats are casual, weather, sports, books and whatnot. Today he told me that he had heard that I was working on my resume. He said he wanted me to know one thing he's learned over the years. He said, "when you find someone of value, someone smart, someone who "gets" what this agency is all about, someone who will, without fail, take on challenges and come up with brilliant ideas that work, you hold onto those people whatever the cost". He told me that he intends to make sure that there will be a position for me at this agency for as long as I want it. And he went on to say that it would be a position worthy of my skills and intelligence and not just some odd job put together to retain me.

Well hot damn! I can tell you that for the rest of this night my ego was barely controllable. THAT was the biggest thank you I have ever received from anyone. It makes me feel so needed and wanted and appreciated. After 15 years, all the stress, the good times and the bad, the comings and goings of other staff, the changes in programs and clients and people and procedures, all of it just melted away and for the first time I actually realized (and dared to tell myself) that I am worth it. So...yeah for me!! And here's to whatever new challenges come my way.

The week that was...

Though I may not show it, I hate waiting for anything. It's probably one of the hardest things for me to deal with - being made to wait. This past week I was waiting for some news. The exact nature of the news isn't important but the news itself was either going to be very good or very difficult. It's wierd, but, sometimes, you can be waiting for something that both excites you and scares the crap outta you. It was hard to know how to feel about it. The longer I waited, the worse my stress level became because I was trying to keep my emotions in check and not get all girly and cry. The waiting brought on great thoughts of what might be and then horrible thoughts of what might be. And the odd part about that is that when I finally got the news I was waiting for I was still left with those same thoughts. There was no resolution to them and maybe until the next time I am waiting for some news like this again, there never will be. All of this made a song pop into my head. It's a song from an old musical and, I think, might have been sung by Bing Crosby. It goes like this...

"When I'm worried and I can't sleep,
I count my blessings instead of sheep,
and then I fall asleep,
counting my blessings."

So, here's my count... my blessings...those things I will never take for granted and be grateful for every day of my life.

1. Love - I love and am loved and there's nothing better than that.
2. Family - they make me crazy but I can't live without them.
3. Home - both here and away, it's where my heart is.
4. Work - as much as I bitch about having to do it, I see it's value.
5. Friends - I don't have enough and look forward to making more wherever I am.
6. Health - there are things I need to change to keep it but I'm healthy and for that I'm grateful.
7. Smarts - I have some, could use more and I appreciate it when I see it in others.
8. Music - there is music in everything.
9. Words - I have a skill for communication and I love what the right words can do.
10. Values - mine may not be the same as yours but I know, inside, I am a good person.

Funny, when I start making this list, I realize that I'm a lot better off than most. I don't want...not for material things, that's for sure. Not that I am wealthy but those things never meant anything to me. I do want for other things though. I want to be in the place I know I belong, with the person I know I belong with. But I don't feel regret about that right now because I also have a sense of calm knowing that will happen. All good things come to those who wait.

Somedays are just like that....

Every once in a while it is made too clear that what I do for a living does have a profound affect on people's lives. Some people think that is a good thing and, I guess, most of the time it is but then days like today happen and it seems that no amount of doing good can work. In the first hour of my work day, I got three calls. The first was from a group home provider who was calling to tell me that the person we placed in her home had a medical emergency. She didn't know what was wrong with him since he can't speak and was unable to tell her but he started screaming during the night and wouldn't stop. She took him to the ER and after a series of tests it was determined that he had blood clots in his lung area and was also bleeding on the brain. His prognosis is not good. The doctor doesn't think he'll make it to the weekend. The second call was from the nurse at a local sheltered workshop who called to tell me that this morning one of the people we case manage misstepped as he was getting off the bus. He fell breaking his collar bone and several ribs. He also hit his head hard on the cement and was also bleeding on the brain. He was Flight For Lifed to a hospital in Milwaukee. After taking on these two calls the third and worst call came. It was the brother of one of the ladies we case manage and he was calling to let me know that last Saturday, his sister - our client - had suffered a major heart attack at home and died instantly. All of this increasingly bad and sad news before 9am this morning. I know that in my profession, it is inevitable that I will see illness and death. Working with profoundly developmentally disabled adults means realizing early on that as they age they are susceptible to all the same infirmities as a regularly developed adult but those infirmities hit them hard and once they do, they decline quickly. I've come to expect illness and death but it has never come so fast and furiously as it did today and even though I have done this job for 14 years, even I, the seasoned pro, was shocked and saddened.



It's quiet here now. There is a gentle snow falling and the city is quiet. No traffic, no noise...just the glow of the street light on the whitened street. As I sit here in my little apartment, with a warm, purring kitten on my lap, typing by the soft lights of the Christmas tree, I know, I am lucky. We are all lucky. No matter what it is that brings us down or makes us step back from life I know that there are other people out there who struggle every day with the most basic tasks and they strive to be the best they can be. They take nothing for granted. We have our lives, our jobs, our families even if we are not all in the same place, our friends, our stress, our laughter, our tears, ourselves. We are all lucky.