Um....yeah....

So I've had a rough couple of days. Emotionally I feel spent. I've been making mental lists of all the truly good things I have in my life and hope that just thinking of them will wipe away these cobwebs of doubt and gloom once and for all. It's touch and go. Sometimes, I feel the cobwebs winning.

I need to get out today - if only to engage in the kind of mundane, routine things that will, at least, take my mind off of everything. My whole world is thousands of miles away and, right now, I feel very small and very alone.

I know that I will shake this off and get on with it. I'm resilient that way. And things will get back to some semblance of normal. But I think that's the problem...

I don't want the normal that I have to live each day. I want a new normal. And I can't get it. So, yeah...cobwebs 1, Mary 0.

Welcome to my pity party...

The awful byproduct of thinking too much is that I start to feel that no matter what thoughts I may have, no one seems to care. Today was a lonely day which is weird since I was surrounded by people for most of it. It became sharply clear early on today that my thoughts, opinions and feelings were not wanted. Everytime I offered something to the conversation I was abruptly shut down so I just stopped talking. It's something I've come to expect from being with my family. I am the youngest and that role will never change no matter how old I am. I am the insignificant kid sister - so what could I possibly know about anything.

I don't know...a while back I was definitely in a place in my life where I felt completely alone no matter who I was with. It's starting to feel like that again today. So, I'm sitting here now, in my apartment, alone and feeling less than.

It's the aloneness that I can't stand. I want to hold on to the fact that there is someone who loves me but it's very hard when I don't feel good about myself. It's like I'm at the bottom of a well and the daylight above is slipping away. So, yeah, there it is...

Incredible Shrinking Me

I came home tonight feeling very small. Worn out and beat down from all the day to day stuff that just takes a toll out of me. There's no one thing that made me feel this way. Rather, it is the constant grind of endless days being somewhere I don't want to be and doing something that, though I love, can become so much repetition and tedium.

I decided the best way to deal with this feeling was to just give in to it. So, I spent the evening cleaning, rearranging and trying to make some order in my ordinarily unordered living space. That in itself is an uphill battle and, truth be told, it didn't make me feel any better. The bigger part of me wants to wallow in this self pity but that annoying little voice inside screams out, "Snap out of it!" I hate that voice but I know it's right...

Just get on with it already....