Annoyance...and a dream...

I am slightly more than annoyed at work these days. There's not really one thing that does it. It's a culmination of things that build up over time and they grate on my nerves which eventually causes me to want to say "f... this" and get away. Last week was prime example. Just a lot of chuckleheads getting on my nerves. By Friday evening it was all I could do to get home, away from people, and hide.

It is not that I hate my job, because I don't. I like my job. The job stuff is a symptom of a greater problem. The problem being...I want to go away.

I am longing for a change. A change in scenery would be a good start. I keep watching those House Hunter International shows hoping to see one that takes place in Sweden. I want to move there so badly I can taste it. I can see myself living there. I can see myself learning to get out and about my new community and making new friends and spending time with my Swedish family. I can see Alex and I deciding what to do on a weekend and going into Stockholm to take in the sights, sounds and smells. God, I want it so bad.

Problem is, we just cannot afford it right now. Sweden is hugely expensive - so much more so than here - and, we know, we have it pretty good here right now. Still, I look at photos and videos of Sweden daily and deep inside wish there was some way we could go. I know we'll get there next year for a visit but I mean, go, really go! To live there, forever. That's my dream. I hope one day it can come true.

Frankly, I'm pissed off...

I've had some time to think about the events of last week and my impending unusefulness here since my job is likely to be gone soon. And I am pissed. In these past two years, I have managed a large staff of caring people who work their asses off on a daily basis to bring some sense of worth to people most other's ignore. We have done this and maintained most of our sanity in systems nightmare that changes more than a baby's diaper. At no time, did anyone from the HMO ever ask us for any input or advice as to the best way to work with our target group even though we've been doing it for years and they have not. In the past two years, I've seen people become numbers and social workers become "good worker bees" who aren't suppose to speak up and are advised that we are not advocates but rather "brokers" of services.

I have found it incredibly hard to work within a system that now only addresses needs and those needs are seen as negatives and something that costs money. I have always seen the disabled not for what they cannot do, but rather, for what they can achieve with just the slightest assistance, kind teaching and, once in a while, a gentle push. They are not unlike the rest of us. They want the same things. They long for friends, relationships, meaningful work, and nice places to live. They have opinions and hopes and dreams and, to me, discounting those things is a crime. I have a feeling, it is because I am so vocal about these things, that my services as supervisor are no longer seen as needed by the HMO.

And, frankly, it pisses me off.

I know I'll be okay. This agency is a great place to work and I'm confident they'll have something for me that will be challenging and eventful. My boss is a good guy and he has always had my back. So, yeah, I'll be fine.

(NOTE: I just wanted to say thank you to Denise of prinslinks.blogspot.com for always taking an interest and even highlighting one of my blog entries in her blog. I wish she could work here too! )

Little annoyances...

I know, I know...life is too short to let these bother me but there are just some little annoying things happening today so I thought I'd vent. First, my brakes were squeaking this morning. Now, this shouldn't be a big deal except that I just paid $200 yesterday for new front brakes and rotors. So why the squeak? At this point, shouldn't I be pretty much squeak free?

Next, I have a document that I have to drop off at the court house. Again, not a big deal except that in order to do this simple task I will have to drive around and around and around (see previous post on this...) to get a place to park and then line up for 20 minutes to get through the security check point. Once I do, it will take me all of 5 minutes to drop off the document. Seems like an awful lot of work for a five minute drop.

Lastly, it has been in the upper 90s here for a week now with a dew point of 85 or so which means it's hot and sticky and icky. Getting from car to air conditioned office makes ya sweat like a farmhand. So, that right there is annoying BUT the truly annoying thing about this is that I work with several non-Polish (read that: skinny, no meat on their bones) women who have been walking around wearing sweaters, complaining that "it's cold in here" and asking the boss to adjust the AC. I hate these women. I know that hate is a strong word but, in this case, with my boiled brainage, I hate them.

So, as a bead of sweat drips slowly into my eye, I must go now to my car with the new yet squeaky brakes and drive a circle around the courthouse in what can only be seen as some kind of ritualistic mania and hope that I don't set off the metal detector at the courthouse door!

Whoopdiyadda!

Day One of the Annual State Audit is now finished and, actually, it was not too painful. If you can say that being stuck in a small conference room with about 35 people answering questions about Grievance Policies and Procedures and Assessing Services. w00t!

You know how sometimes when you're in a position like that or in a lecture or meeting or something your mind starts wondering? Well, mine was on a frickan' vacation most of the day! I couldn't help it. There was a bald woman there and she was one of those people who feel the need to talk a lot (in the spirit of participation) but she was bald. Not on purpose bald either...just bald and I tried, really tried, to not let that make me lose concentration. I mean, I'm a grown up, I should be able to deal. But I became fascinated by her. She was almost completely bald. She had two very wispy light whiffs of hair on each side of her head that I could see right through and, I swear, she had styled these. As if it made a difference. I couldn't help wondering why. I mean, she had maybe ten hairs on her whole head, what was the point of the hair-do? Why didn't she just embrace her baldness? Bald chicks are in these days so I don't know....

It was distracting. I am an immature dork but, seriously, I was two feet away from her in a crowded room with a ton of people faced with the drone of auditors for 7 hours. Tell me you wouldn't have had a difficult time paying attention. She was bald for cripes sake!!

Incredible Shrinking Me

I came home tonight feeling very small. Worn out and beat down from all the day to day stuff that just takes a toll out of me. There's no one thing that made me feel this way. Rather, it is the constant grind of endless days being somewhere I don't want to be and doing something that, though I love, can become so much repetition and tedium.

I decided the best way to deal with this feeling was to just give in to it. So, I spent the evening cleaning, rearranging and trying to make some order in my ordinarily unordered living space. That in itself is an uphill battle and, truth be told, it didn't make me feel any better. The bigger part of me wants to wallow in this self pity but that annoying little voice inside screams out, "Snap out of it!" I hate that voice but I know it's right...

Just get on with it already....