So here I am...

I realize I have been slacking and not written a word in this blog for a long time. Life has been pretty stressful lately. I've just started a new job and, being only one full week into it, there is still much I have to learn. The week prior to that I was sort of wearing two hats, trying to train my successor while being trained for my new position. Every day I go to work and have this big feeling of being both overwhelmed but excited. I start out with a fear that I won't know what to do and end the day with a satisfaction when I realize that I did know. It's a good feeling.

Because my new job, Director of the Community Intervention Center, comes with some prestige I have gone "all out" so to speak in making my new office livable. Normally, being a small not for profit means that our office furniture is either donated, hand me downs or the cheapest used stuff we can find. I decided to purchase my own so that I could get some nicer things. I got two nice chairs for office guests to sit in, a comfy office chair for me that won't fall apart in 6 months, and a small refrigerator so I can bring my lunch to work. My old boss left me a Keurig which I have been putting to good use! And he gave me a really nice torch lamp so I am not at the mercy of fluorescent lighting all day. I got some cool travel posters (Sweden, of course!) and decorated with some photos of family and friends. It's a pretty comfy, good looking office, if I say so myself. I do enjoy going there.

So little by little, I am becoming more confident in my job duties. I'm finding my stride and I do feel my new boss appreciates me so that's a plus. I still feel stressed. The days are busy though and the time flies by which is something I do like. I don't feel like time crawls which, I have to admit, I did feel on my old job at times. So far, I haven't had much down time.

I think I have this. I have a feeling I will be good at this. I'll keep learning and growing and I'll get there. I'm going to be okay.

the week that was...

Wow, it's been a while since I wrote anything here. Truth is, I had all of last week off of work which, you'd think, would be a very good thing. I was in need of some time away from work and taking a week off with no real plans usually gives me some rest, relaxation and fresh perspective. But last week just gave me a major head ache.

We are dealing with, from a very far distance. a change in Alex's father's health that means he may not be able to ever live on his own again. Being thousands of miles away does not make it easy to try to get information about what's going on, what's to happen next and where he goes from here. We were planning a vacation to Sweden but now that vacation time will be taken when we have to help the family move his things so it will not be the restful leisurely time we had hoped for. Also the distance and time change between here and Sweden meant that to get any information at all it had to be done when businesses were open in Sweden which, much to our chagrin, was about 2 or 3 am our time. Right now my sleep schedule is a little loopy!

Another thing we had to deal with was the sudden death of my sister's ex-husband. I can't honestly say that I feel saddened by his passing though I feel very sorry for his two adult children who are dealing with the death of the parent for the first time. I don't mean to sound so callous, that I don't feel anything, but he was an ex-brother in law and someone I haven't associated with for a very long time so it's not as though I knew him very well at all. Still, a death in the family is a death in the family and just as stressful either way.

In the middle of all of this, we had our friend come over to give us a quote on what he would take to paint three rooms in our apartment. Turns out he's quite affordable and he's starting this Thursday. Even with that one bright spot there was still an overwhelming feeling of being stuck last week.

We have big plans but have no way to implement them and after a while all the wishing, dreaming and hoping gets a little old and one starts to feel stuck. I'm sure we'll be fine and plans will roll as, well, as planned but it's been a weird week that has made seeing the light at the end of the tunnel just a little bit harder.

Bogged down...

The stress of work and family worries is catching up with me this week. I'm glad it's a short week. Our agency is closed on Friday for the holiday and that's a very good thing. I spent the better part of the day checking airline ticket prices and car rental prices in Sweden. We're going to have to get over there soon but everything is happening at once and we are just trying to breathe too.

My father in law seems to have had another relapse and they still don't know for sure what's causing these moments of confusion. It's scary being this far away and not really knowing. I know it's taxing Alex because he's been snipping at me all evening and that's not his usual way. We are both stressed and figuring it out as we go.

So, in trying to tread water as best we can, we're looking forward and planning and hoping to get there soon to see how he's doing and what's going on. We'll get there. We have to and I know we'll figure this out.

In the meantime, I have to try to not let this stress bog me down. I need these three days off that are coming my way. I need to get some things done at home and have time to just kick back and relax a bit. We both need that.

Jonesing for a vacay...

This week...ugh...what can I say about this week? It started with me not feeling well and is ending with me being pressed by an enormous amount of work related stress. Yesterday, I thought my head was going to explode.

I realize that, in life, we cannot control what happens 24/7. What we can control is our reaction to it. Yesterday, I swear, the planets seemed to have aligned against me but I held it together and managed to get through the day without actually acting on my homicidal thoughts. I was brain dead by the end of it but...hopeful that today would be better.

What's fueling these feelings of overwhelming fright or flight (which I have thus far been successful in keeping at bay) is the fact that I am jonesing for a vacation in a major way. I want to get on a plane, take off for at least three weeks, and fly to sunny Karlstad to see my father in law and hang out in the beautiful Swedish landscape. I want it bad and I want it now.

Now, I know that this will happen and, probably, within the next few months but right at this moment those few months seem like eons. I am impatient and hate waiting. I also hate having to deal with all this day to day idiocy and, trust me, yesterday idiocy was running rampant here.

I want my vacay. I want it now. I want my time off, with pay, on a plane, in Sweden, in the sun, and happiness and joy, joy, joy. And I don't want to be here right now!!

One last hurdle...

Tomorrow, Alexander and I have to go back to USCIS in Milwaukee for our final interview. You'd think that all would be said and done by now but no, it's not. This interview is, hopefully, the last step in getting Alex's adjustment of status to permanent resident. In other words, a Green Card.

It's been a long, long process. We started eons ago with the help of an attorney to get the K-1 fiance visa. That first step allowed him to legally come to the US to get married. The government graciously gave us 90 days from his point of entry to get that done. But we did it. Then we had to apply for an Adjustment of Status and an Employment Approval Document (EAD). Concurrently, those two applications alone cost a couple of thousand dollars and had more paperwork than is even imaginable. Not to mention all of the necessary documentation about our relationship and each other. We went it alone this time. No attorney. And thus far, we've done okay. The EAD arrived last month and now we're on to the interview portion of the status adjustment.

We got a list of possible questions off the Internet. It's funny but some people who've done that have written that immigration will ask a million questions and others only had a few questions asked. Since there's no way of knowing what exactly we're in for we have been quizzing each other nightly. Anything from siblings names, school information, describing where we live, explaining all of the times we've travelled to and from Sweden - it's all fair game. They can even ask us about our sex life if they want to. We have no way of knowing exactly what they'll ask so we're preparing for everything.

Needless to say, all of this prep has been very stressful. It's hard to think that even now, nearly 6 months into our marriage, the government could deny this adjustment. On what basis, I don't know, but they could and that, my friends, would suck. Big time.

I've already made up my mind that even though it's a long shot, if his adjustment is not approved and we're told he is illegal I will be moving to Sweden...immediately. Hopefully, it won't come to that and we can continue with our plans to save and get there in our own good time.

Wish us luck. Tomorrow is going to be something...

The negotiations...

The transitioning of my staff to our contracting agency has begun. Thus far they have given them the opportunity to have no break in health insurance coverage. We will work up until October 31 and those who are hired by our contractor will begin on November 1 without the break. My staff is wanting some definites and are asking them to hire them all as is. I know that's impossible. No agency would ever do that without going through the usual hiring processes and, because of this, I know that there are one or two employed here and working under me that aren't going to have much luck when the change comes.

One of the things I love about the agency I work for is that we are a nurturing, supportive group. We have always hired bright people and supported them as long as they needed to feel up to speed on the job. Most agencies give you the basic training and you're on your own. So, sadly, I know some of my staff will fail if they try to get hired by this other agency. I have tried to prepare them without coming right out and saying it. After all, the decision has to be their own.

I'm feeling quite strange about this whole take over. I have a sense of relief, on the one hand, since this takes a huge amount of work related stress off of me. But on the other hand, I feel disappointed and angry too because I've worked so hard over the last three years and it was for nothing. But, there's nothing I can do about this so I have to go with the flow. It's VERY difficult to get motivated and stay motivated at work. I mean, I have the overall feeling of "what's the point?" and that's not a good frame of mind to be in.

I still don't know what the heck I'll be doing come October. I guess I'll file that under "We'll see..."

Chinese Water Torture...

I decided to use that title because that's exactly what my job feels like to me. I'm not dealing with the stress very well. I don't know what that means to most people but to me that means I've started to move into the "fuck it all" phase. I can feel myself slipping into a real I don't care attitude which, I know, is both a defense mechanism and slightly disturbing. I keep thinking that I would love to go work at a hot dog stand or something where the only real decision people have to make is whether to have the relish. Mindless yet refreshing.

I came into the office knowing I would be hit with the inevitable email frenzy that just puts me over the edge. I wonder if the boss would mind if I hooked myself up to a morphine drip right here at my desk. Sure, I'd be out of it but, frankly, it would do loads to happy me up!

Learning to let go...

Yesterday was interesting. I had to meet with my teams to review the standards and practices of documentation in a client's file. I had prepared a very upbeat presentation keeping in mind to remind them all that while they were overall getting the essence of what was needed there were areas we needed to tweak. This wasn't new information or new material or new procedures so I was totally unprepared for the response I got. Two of my workers had complete melt downs with tears. I'm ever aware of the pressure we are all under with this new system we're working in now but I had felt that in the last few months we were all getting the hang of it and dealing with the stress pretty well. I was wrong. It was very apparent that these two people were feeling stressed and scared.

The irony of this is that in reality there are maybe one or two in my team that are struggling with the documentation issues and neither of the two who cried were it! The other truth is that both of these people who were overwhelmed by "never feeling they have enough time to finish anything" have some pretty serious time management issues going on. It's their own inability to effectively manage their time that is causing them the most pressure. The others who are having the documentation problem are really struggling because they are just not good writers. They can't seem to formulate clear, concise and cohesive case notes because they just don't know how to write something in that manner.

SO... I spent the rest of the day creating a plan of action to help support them in their work. Here's what I came up with..

1. I gave everyone a clear year long one page planner and asked them to write the require contact information on it - when a face to face visit is required, when a collateral contact is required, when case reviews need to be done, etc.

2. I'm sending two people to "Basic Principle of Care Management" training in November. Sometimes going back to the basics is the best thing.

3. I'm getting hand held recorders for the teams so they can dictate their case notes and then they can be entered by our data entry person. This way those who lack writing skills won't have to stress about it.

4. I've convinced the agency to invest in some lap tops with Internet capability to be loaded with our forms and systems access so that workers can enter assessment, review and service plan information in real time...as they are actually interviewing the clients. I was uber-surprised when the boss said yes!!

Hopefully, all of this will increase our quality in this one area. I think it will. And I think it will go a long way to de-stress some of these people.

Now the time management issue... yeah, that's my next hurdle.

In thinking about work...

I've been thinking a lot about what's been bothering me about my job these days. It's strange that I am since I've been on vacation since June 10th. I've only been going into the office off and on for a half day here or there yet when I have to go in I start feeling this incredible stress even before I get there. I was thinking about what that was and why that was happening since I have always loved my job.

It occurrs to me that my job has changed in a way that I couldn't quite put my finger on before. The agency I work for is still the same small not for profit with the big heart it has always been. I've always truly loved that at the heart of the agency's mission statement is simply that we will do whatever we can to help people. But last year, we were contracted by a larger company to coordinate services under a new funding stream provided by the state of Wisconsin. The idea behind it was to eliminated long waiting lists of disabled people who were in need of services. In retrospect, it has, in a way, done what it has promised but the longer I work with it I realize that we on the front lines are being taught how to deny needed services. Just not in so many words...

Let me explain...

Recently, a mother of a young disabled woman signed up for our assistance. She wanted three things. One, a day service program for her daughter - someplace she felt comfortable leaving her daughter for the day and a place that would stimulate and challenge her daughter. Two, she needed transportation to get her daughter there 5 days per week. Three, she wanted to have her daughter take part in an evening program at the local Y two times per month which would be a respite service giving her a couple of Friday evenings away to take a break. The first two services we were able to provide after jumping through many beauracratic hoops and arguing with the administration. The last request has become tricky. Legally, we cannot limit respite services here. We have been told, however, that we should offer some other respite service (like a stay in a residential facility) which we know she will not want. This gives us the ability to say that we offered some respite, albeit not the requested respite service, and then we can legally deny payment of that service. And, since we did offer it, the mother has no recourse to appeal this decision.

Personally, I find this sickening. Effectively, what the state has done has turned services for the disabled into a large managed care conglomerate and we all know how wonderful those can be. And this is the crux of my problem...I don't feel like I'm helping anyone anymore these days. At least not at this job.

So after 15 years doing this job with this agency, I'm left with the question of where to go from here. I don't feel prepared to walk away and I don't feel motivated to stay. I have to go into the office for a half day tomorrow and I'm already feeling the stress.

Big, collective sigh of relief...

My brother is going to be okay. They are keeping him at the hospital for the next couple of days just to be absolutely sure that the bleeding in his brain has stopped and there are no other complications. My mother, after she realized he was going to be okay and had calmed down, said "Good thing it was his head he hit...that's the hardest part of him." Gotta love my Mom!

Where's my friggan' Easy Button!!

I'm in a stinky place... one that I can't seem to think my way out. The problem is everything that has to be accomplished is SO BIG and SO MUCH that I feel paralyzed. I know that the only way to tackle this whole plan of immigration is to take it on one step at a time but each step leads to the other and they overlap and they intermingle and I can't stop myself getting two steps ahead of myself and then it all seems impossible.

The hardest part for me is that the only one I can talk to about any of this is miles away and he's going through the same issues and then some. I have been scouring the Internet for assistance and I keep coming up with the same answers and they aren't all that helpful. I want an Easy Button like the one on those office supply commercials!

Yesterday and today, this has really rendered me useless. I called in to work just so I wouldn't have to deal with anyone else's crap right now. I need to sort through this somehow or at least get myself in a mental state where I can go on with my daily stuff and not completely wig out.

I know, deep down, that this will work out. I just have to get my mind to slow down and keep my emotions out of it.

Decisions, decisions...

I am at a place in my job where I'm questioning the validity of what I do. An opportunity may be present that will allow me to make a change into a different area while still doing basically the same supervisory work. I'm just not sure if I should make the change. I've been trying to weigh the pros and cons of each position and there are many of both. I can't shake the feeling that if I do make this change it may be with a sense of defeat. I may be fleeing this job prematurely and I'm not sure I like that feeling.

I just don't know what to do. Day to day it gets me more stressed and more depressed thinking about it. I wish I had a magic genie who made these decisions for me.

I Survived the audit of 2008 and all I got was this crappy t-shirt!

Hallelujah! It is finished! Two days of bean counters pouring over our files and it's over! It occurred to me that it's pretty funny that they send accountant-types to look at Social Work files which have nothing to do with money but, eh, who am I to question? Anywho - I survived. It was stressful. I felt "on guard" for the last two days ready to defend to the death the decisions my team has made over the past year. And as with all imaginary dragons needing slaying, I made the audit beast out to be something much bigger and nastier than it actually turned out to be. They were exceedingly nice, easy going people who were looking under our proverbial work carpets this time. And other than the boring day with the bald lady it all went smoothly.

Still and all, I felt a huge sense of relief when they left. Now we wait. They have 45 days to complete their report on their findings and then they'll ask us to supply them with a quality improvement plan. So we'll see...

Other than that, nothing much else has been happening. Weather wise, we are now in the calm before the storm. Literally. It's going to snow again today then drop down into the single digits for the next couple of days. (Including game day - GO PACK GO!) Which reminds me, I have to go out and get a new Packer shirt. Better made it a sweat shirt!

Audits, audits, everywhere...

Next week, my case management team is getting audited by the state of Wisconsin. It's something the state likes to do once each year or so to make us all crazy and keep us on our toes. In case management, we approve the purchase of goods and services for the disabled which, of course, adds up to millions of dollars spent each year so I can see why they want to keep track of it.

This year the state has contracted a company to come out and audit a random choice of client charts. They have also decided to interview some of the people we serve. Makes sense except that, in true statelike form, they did not ask us who we felt should be interviewed. I'm sure they think that keeping it as random as possible is the best way to make sure the audit is true but, the thing is, the three people they have chosen to interview will not be able to talk to them. The people that we case manage are significantly developmentally disabled and many of them are completely non-verbal. It is from that group that they have chosen the interviewees without knowing anything about them.

I tried to call and point out to them that in all three cases, the person being interviewed would not understand the questions nor would they be able to respond. I also warned them that in at least one of the cases the person being interviewed was likely to be highly agitated by their presence and possibly become physically aggressive. I even offered to give them a list of names of other potentional interviewees who would be able to talk to them and who would not strike out to hit, punch or bite them. As usual, the state was not receptive to my assistance. They seem to think that I'm attempting to shield them from something that they should know about as if I was covering up something. So, oh well...good luck to them and the royal waste of contracted time next week! Part of me is actually hoping one of them does get pinched or bitten! T'would serve them right!

Of course, with the impending audit and the presence of state contracted auditors looming on the horizon, people here at work are all going crazy with speculation and stress. It's been interesting to see when they each individually hit their breaking point and what their reactions are. I've seen tears, heard yelling, loud sighs, and some hysterical laughter so far.

I've been through an audit each year for the past 15 years. I'm unfazed. I figure that if the state can do this job any better they would have taken it away from me by this time. They haven't, I'm here, so pffft! We will survive!

Making mountains out of mole hills...

I realized something about myself today. In my haste to finish off this week at work which, for me, ends tomorrow, I was getting pretty stressed without really noticing. Today, however, it occurred to me that all of those things that were happening this week that were getting to me really were nothing at all. It was all me. I was reacting to things that, normally, wouldn't make me think twice. Funny how that happens. I am usually a pretty level headed person and nothing really shakes me up too badly. But for some reason, this week any little thing that happened just pushed my buttons. I was edgy and angry and grumbling all week. Today started out pretty much the same until I finally took a step back and had a breather. Then a light bulb went off and I knew that I was putting this all on myself. What a waste of emotional energy!

So I have one day left and most of tomorrow will be filled with the office Christmas party. After that two weeks off with pay! And Alex flies in on Thursday to stay for that entire two weeks. And it's Christmas, which I LOVE! So what the hell was I getting all worked up about? Haha!

There will be things left undone tomorrow which can't be helped but I've done all I can to cover my bases while I'm gone so everything will be fine. I've also realized that I do work with some wonderful people. I have a great crew and, even though they do have times when I'd like to thump them in the head, they are, at heart, deeply sincere about their work and the people they serve. I can't ask for more than that!

Ho, ho, hum...

I've never been one to let the holiday season get to me. In fact, I'm the opposite of how people usually react this time of year. I am decidedly a holiday kind of girl. Yet, I can clearly see that the people that I supervise at work are getting more and more stressed each day. December is the hardest month in Social Work. It's the month that everything has to be done and many, many demands are placed on the workers. Fiscal is demanding that all authorizations get completed asap so they can begin closing out the books for the year. Management is demanding that all case notes are entered in the system files and up to date so they can start their projections for next year. Our clients are demanding to get immediate services so they can be assured that they will not lose their coverage for next year. Service providers are demanding that we take a look at their service rates now in anticipation of getting a rate increase for next year. Throw in the inevitable health crisis and all this makes for a very tense work place. Not to forget that when the workers go home they are rushing around doing everything they need to make the holidays happen at their homes. (Yes, Van, vodka does work for this!) My crew is starting to snap at each other which proves that you always take it out on the people you are closest to. Yesterday, I sat them all down to give them a little pep talk. I did my best Lombardi and they seemed to get it.

Overall, the most difficult thing to learn in Social Work is this - We can only do the best that we can do. That sounds so defeatist but. contrary to what most people think, Social workers really can only intervene so much. We have to rely on an entire system of red tape and bureaucracy to make anything happen. It's incredibly frustrating because red tape and bureaucracy rarely, if ever, work by common sense. Let me put it this way. "They" tell us it is our job to go out and assess people to see what it is they need to lead more productive lives. "They" send us to training after training about keeping the client at the center of all planning, ascertaining what it is the client would like to have in their lives. "They" preach to us about the importance of making sure disabled people live in the least restrictive, most integrated settings possible. "They" drill into us the importance of finding appropriate work settings for our disabled and the absolute right and need for meaningful activities for all. Then, "they" look at all of the information we have compiled and make decisions about people's lives based solely on whatever the budget will allow which is generally not what the client wants or needs. Then "they" pat each other on the back telling themselves they've done a good job of finding the most cost effective way to meet the needs of the disabled while the social worker is left to monitor substandard services and holds the responsibility of that life in the balance.

Most people who go into this field do so because they really want to help people. It is only after they've been in it for a while that they realize that the quality of the help we give is not always the best. Hence the burn out, the frustration, the feelings of futile uselessness that social workers feel - especially at this time of year.

The best I can do, as their supervisor, is to constantly remind them that they are doing a good job and that they really do make a difference whether they feel it or not. And I hope that they, eventually, will start to feel that for themselves.