Sometimes it's just right...

So, there's much in my life I could gripe about...not sleeping well, stiff leg problems, not losing weight as fast as I would like, rain, etc...but I just can't bring myself to really care much about any of that today. Sure, I feel a bit tired from a crappy sleep schedule but for some reason I am in a really good mood. A strangely optimistic, weirdly positive, sunny mood. A coworker even told me to "shut up" today when I told her to look on the sunny side of life. Ha!

Truth is, I know how good I've got it. Alex and I went out for dinner this weekend. A luxury we can afford whenever we want to and our conversation was about the possibility of us buying a house. The fact that we are in a financial position to buy a house just goes to show that we are doing well and that is something to be very grateful for. We are not rich. Just working hard and being frugal and that makes all the difference. I have learned a lot from Alex about frugality. He is very good with money and has shown me that we can live well and have the things we want and still save money while doing it. We have no need to live extravagantly. We just live. And we are happy.

I appreciate the things we have but more importantly I appreciate the time we have together and the people in our lives. That's what makes me truly happy and makes me realize that all those little gripes just aren't worth the time or effort. Life's too short to be grumpy! I can't help myself today! I feel like Scrooge waking up and realizing he didn't miss Christmas after all! I wish I could share this feeling with all of you.

Choose happiness...

One of my nieces posed this question on her Facebook page, "Are you truly happy?" Her friends, all in their mid to late 20s all weighed in with various answers. Some of them decided they were happy for now but things could be better and some were not happy at all and had a laundry list of complaints. I find the question interesting and one that I've asked myself from time to time.

I think about happiness a lot. I see a lot of unhappy situations where I work. People living in poor conditions, dealing with illnesses and poverty and hopelessness but I can't really tell you the last time I saw a truly unhappy person. Because even in the unhappiest of situations, most people will tell me that they do feel some happiness in their lives. Somehow, they find it.

I am a happy person. Now having said that, let me also say that I have slight depression for which I take medication. I am dealing with health issues but meeting them head on. I'm going a bit stir crazy from being home all the time due to my knee surgery. I wish I had more money so I could do more of what I wanted to do but I don't. Yet, I am happy. I look around at my small home, at my husband and family and know that I am loved and have people to love and that is what matters. So I am happy.

I am one person in a big, big world and at the end of the day I might not leave a very big foot print but I do leave a mark so I am happy. I do matter. I have worth. I am interesting in my own way. I can be funny and fun to be around. I can also be crabby and worth leaving alone once in awhile but then again, so can we all! Life is too short to constantly live in a state of want and wishing and worrying. Sometimes, maybe more like all the time, it is very important to relax, breathe and appreciate who and what and where we are. And when you do...it comes to you. Happiness. It's right there. Waiting for you. Just take it.

A whole new year to get it right...

Today is January 2, 2015. By now, most people have made their resolutions and are well into Day 2 of them but not me. I thought long and hard on whether or not to make New Year's resolutions this year. You see, I am not one that generally keeps them and by "not keeping them" I mean I tend to break them almost immediately. That's what I've been thinking about for the past two days. Why I never followed through with a single New Year's resolution. I finally came up with the only answer that made sense.

In the past, my New Year's resolutions were almost always having to do with making some enormous change in my life. Looking back, I can see that I was setting myself up for failure because those changes were always something someone else wanted or something I thought would make someone else like about me and not really about me at all. So I would quickly lose interest when I realized it didn't matter to anyone and fail. Oh, I'd try again the next year and fail again and so and so on...

So, for 2015, I'm doing things a little different this year.

I resolve to be more creative.
I resolve to be kinder to everyone.
I resolve to be better to myself.

That's it. That's all she wrote. Those are my resolutions. Simple, meaningful to me, and completely doable. The way I see it, if I can do those three things, I'll be a happier person and everyone around me will benefit from my happiness so it's a win/win situation.

Happy New Year...let's see what great things 2015 has in store for all of us!

Knowing how lucky I am...

I can be kind of a pain in the ass sometimes. I let work and every day aches and pains get to me and I lose sight of the things that are really important. I bitch. I admit it. I was moping a bit before Christmas because I kept thinking of all the things I don't have. I don't have my Mom here anymore. I don't have the traditional Christmas Eve family gathering anymore. I don't have...I don't have...I don't have...

By the time Christmas Eve arrived I was pretty much resigned to the idea that it was going to be bad. But, you know what? It wasn't. It was quiet. It was just me and Alex and we had a great time. We exchanged our gifts and had a great dinner and sat in the glow of our little tree and it was sweet and special and enough. Then, on Christmas Day, it was really brought home to me how truly lucky I am to have a big wonderful extended family. We all gathered at my sister's house - this year wearing our ugliest Christmas sweaters for the first time - and ate ourselves silly. She really cooked up a storm - ham, turkey, lasagna, potatoes, veggies, rolls, salad, stuffing and more home made candies and cookies than humanly possible to consume. We played Charades which is always cut throat. My team, the Lithuanian Thunderpants, narrowly missed a win but finally lost to the Nacho Muchachos by one point. We would have won but we had a rookie on our team, my niece's new boyfriend who never played Charades before! We laughed and sang carols and had a blast.

And you know what? That is what Christmas is all about. I didn't think for one moment that  I was missing anything because I couldn't ask for anything more! I am blessed. Blessed with the biggest, nuttiest, most fun family in the world. And I love them dearly.

Another happy day...

Today we had another Christmas Party at work. This time though it was for our clients. We have a very generous donor who allows us to order up some good food and get gifts for just about everyone. We served turkey, ham, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, rolls, veggies and cake. We play games like Christmas Bingo and Musical Chairs. Everyone gets a  smile and something small to open up. It's a great day. It takes so little to make people happy, really. When you think about trying to make people happy it sometimes seems like an enormous job and one barely knows where to start. The truth is - all it takes is a smile, a simply joke or a heart felt good morning and it sets the tone for the entire day.

I have a friend who has started to do random acts of kindness on her birthday. She does one for each year she has been on earth so this year she had to come up with 40 ideas. She's very clever so it wasn't a difficult task for her. She taped plastic bags with loose change in them to vending machines outside of her local Wal-Mart. She baked three dozen cookies for each of the local firehouses in her area and she delivered them with a gallon of ice, cold milk to each one. She went to Starbucks and secretly paid for the next 5 people in line. She got gift cards from local fast food places and tucked them away in library books so the next person who picked up that book could get a free Big Mac or a large order of fries. Her list went on and on. Flowers delivered to a local nursing home to "someone who never has visitors" or 50 lbs. of dog food and a load of old clean towels delivered to the Human Shelter and the same amount of cat food to the local cat shelter. All simple ideas yet each one a guaranteed smile.

We go through life taking each shot and letting each one bring us further and further down. Today I saw for myself that a hot meal and a warm smile can go a long way to change the world.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

I got our little Christmas tree up and decorated last weekend. It's such a measly looking thing. Charlie Brown's tree puts ours to shame. You see, over the years since Arnie came to live with us, we've discovered that a Christmas tree is really just an over sized cat toy. Think about it. It's shiny and sparkly and it even has jingle bells on it. He cannot keep away from it and neither of us have the energy anymore to try to keep him from it. He's just that relentless! So, he bats around the ornaments and tries to take the beads off and, once in a while, he tries climbing it. So be it! It's still very pretty to look at and we've consigned ourselves to getting a new tree every other year! LOL

It's snowing outside right now. I really big snow too. In fact, there's a winter weather advisory issued for our area and people, in true first snowfall fashion, have been crashing all over the interstate all afternoon. You'd think with this being Wisconsin folks would know how to drive in this. Or know to stay home. But there's always that first storm that weeds out the bad drivers from the good. I stayed home today and I'm staying in all night. I should go out and move my car but I'm taking a chance that I won't get a ticket for leaving it on the wrong side of the street. And if there's a snow emergency I could get a ticket for that too. So nice they make it impossible to live in a place with "off street parking" rules in the winter but not every place provides off street parking.

Still can't complain! Broken tree and probable parking ticket aside, it's starting to look like Christmas here and that makes me very, very happy! I have a lot to be thankful for this year and every year and ending it with a peaceful Christmas season is the best thing ever.

I even had some Winter Spice Christmas Tea tonight. What could be better than that!

Sing, sing a song...

Last time I wrote about a documentary I watched about a choir of senior citizens called "Young At Heart". It was touching to watch these folks, under the leadership of a very talented director, come together in mind, body, and singing spirit and shared their lives and happiness together. I was inspired and thought, "Why can't I do that at work?"

As you know, I am a social worker who works with people living with serious and persistent mental illness. There is amazing research out there about how music, in specific singing, can increase happiness, peace of mind AND reduce the severity of mental health symptoms such as high anxiety and even audio or visual hallucinations. So, the answer to my question of "Why can't I do that at work?" is - I can. I mentioned to my supervisor that I was thinking of trying to put together a choir and explained my reasons why. Alex is on board with playing keyboards and acting as my musical director while I will be the vocal director. Some of my staff are very excited about this and want to participate along side the clients who may be interested. One of the staff plays guitar and is interested in playing with us too.

But the best part is that today, at a meeting with a residential service provider, someone mentioned in passing that I was going to put a choir together. The CEO of that company was extremely interested in the idea and said, and I quote, "We'll sponsor you!" And he meant it! I asked him what that meant and, this was the best part, he said, "Whatever you need."

That means we can get a P.A. system with a couple of good mics, sheet music and even choir robes if we want them! Amazing!!

So now I'm going to be getting information and activities together to start a group that has little experience to sing together and love it! LOL I've sung in choirs for the majority of my life so I've got this. I can do this. And I can't wait to start!

What do you want out of life?

This week here in Kenosha, we are mourning the loss of one of our finest. Officer Craig Birkholz was killed in the line of duty. He was buried today. The reason I'm mentioning this is because today, as I was driving home from dropping Alex off in Milwaukee, I was diverted from my usual route because there was blocked traffic near the entrance to the cemetery. As I took the alternate route, I saw two ladder trucks had crossed their elevated ladders in tribute and Highway 142 was now a parking lot of police and fire service vehicles. It was a dramatic and touching sight.

But the real reason I mention all of this is because whenever I hear that someone is cut down in their prime I start to thinking about my own life. I wonder, am I doing all that I had hoped to be doing? Am I where I thought I would be? What do I want out of life?

Overall, I think I'm easy to please. Sure, I've had big hopes and dreams at times in my life. Haven't we all wanted to be a star at some point? Some kind of expert, the person everyone looks to for the answers? Or someone everyone knows? We all have fleeting moments of fame-envy but, truthfully, and possibly thankfully, they pass! In my life, I have acted professionally and loved it. I would love to get back into that at some point, if even on the local level. Acting is cathartic. I get to be other people for a couple of hours and make other people really believe it! When I do it right, there is not another feeling like it in the world. I've also been a singer and still sing once in a while. I love that too and I need to do more of it. I also write. This blog, short stories, poems, and the like. I have always done that. Sometimes it's the only way I can get my feelings out. And I draw. Sketching is fun, and relaxing.
But that surely can't be all that I want out of life.

When I look at the daily things in my life, I know that in many ways I am blessed. Sure, our little apartment is LITTLE but we're also located right on Lake Michigan and the view just couldn't be better. We also pay so little for our rent. My sister is our land lady and she hasn't raised my rent in years! I have a great family. We're so close. Talk all the time and have dinner together every Friday. I know they love me for me. And I know I have the best husband in the world. I won't elaborate on that because I know he reads this blog and it would embarrass him!

So here's what I want out of life. I want to be able to pursue those things I enjoy for a very long time. I want to live within my means but have enough to get out and do the fun stuff when I want to do it! I want to travel. I want to always let those I love know how much they mean to me. I want a dog. I want to lost more weight. I want to feel happiness on it's deepest level and always be able to share it with my man.

And there's more. I want all of you to have what you want in life too. Because if I were to get what I want and see that you did not, I couldn't, in good conscience, enjoy one minute of it. Happy days, people! With lots of love.

Getting roses at work...

Today is my birthday.

I was greeted with at least 50 well wishes on Facebook this morning. My FB friends must get up really early in the morning because most of them were there before 7am!

I got a kiss and a hug from my husband before I left the house.

I got a snuggle from Arnie and a "purrrr" from Belle.

Then, I got a dozen beautiful long stem roses delivered to my work place from my hubby.

And there was a note that said some incredibly heartfelt things that made me tear up a bit.

A coworker bought me lunch - both yesterday and today.

All of my coworkers sang Happy Birthday - more than once.

Some of my clients sang Happy Birthday - more than once.

I feel so loved and so needed and so happy.

This has been a really great day. I have great friends, a great job, sweet kitties, and, even more, a husband that shows me he loves me every day in so many ways. I am blessed.

Happy Birthday to me!!

Experiencing happy...

Last night as I was falling asleep, my husband just lightly snoring next to me, I was suddenly taken by the feeling that I'm not sure I ever really felt before. I had a calm, a peace and a genuine feeling of happiness. It's strange that this was such a strong feeling because, overall, I would describe myself as a happy person. I've often wondered what makes people happy and, for me, it's always been about moments. Those moments in life when everything seems to come together, when I'm with the right people, in the right moment, then I am happy. But this was an even bigger feeling than that.

I would not say that Alex and I are "well off" by definition. I mean, I make a good wage, don't get me wrong. And, right now, because we're waiting for the approval from immigration Alex is going out of his skin a little waiting to be able to work. But we have enough. Our home is small, and cluttered a bit, but it's cozy and it's ours. We have two crazy cats that love us as if we were gods. We both have things within ourselves that we're working on. We're not perfect. But we are us. We can make each other laugh all the time and we can make each other really mad sometimes too. There are things I want. Things I would want to have but those are just things. We have our dreams and our hopes but we don't dwell on them, we plan for them.

And in the dark quiet of the night, with the light snoring, and the purring cats and clutter and the dreams and the hopes and the plans, I was overwhelmed with this intense feeling of happiness. I know how lucky I am. I know how loved I am. And I know how much I love that man, those cats, this life.

I wish this for all of you.

A very happy day...

Jan Alexander and Mary Elizabeth Lindqvist
November 30, 2009

A very happy day indeed!

Letting out a little sigh...

I think I was holding my breath without even realizing it. I didn't take a breath until I saw Alexander getting off the airport shuttle and walking towards me. No...that's not right. I don't think I actually took a breath until he was in my arms.

Yeah, that was it.

As I sit here typing this, he is sleeping off the jet lag.
The whole atmosphere here has changed. It's the same apartment with the same crappy furniture and the same dark rooms. Yet, it's changed. Because, at last, my heart is home.

And all is right with the world.

Enough is enough is enough...

Lately, I have been taking stock of my life. While there are many areas that I know need change, I am also struck with the thought that it's not all that bad. I was watching a TV special that talked about "gross national happiness". Sure, it sounds like some psychobabbly jargon but there are some countries where it is a reality that if one person is not happy than no one can be happy. People make it their goal to have harmony and make sure that their neighbors also have it. Governments encourage, and in some places, study and report on how much play is needed in one's life to ensure the "gross national happiness" is high. I was impressed with this concept and it got me thinking.

Here in the US, just in my lifetime, things have changed so much that it is regrettably noticeable. When I was growing up, we kids played all over the neighborhood. Everyone's parents knew us and had equal opportunity disciplinarian rights because my own parents knew them. Not only knew them but probably had lunch with them at least twice a month or had a barbecue or talked over the fence or shared a cup of coffee. Everyone knew everyone. It really was safe to hang out outside until the street lights came one. People shared what they had. If one person had a garden we ALL got zuchini, peppers, tomatoes and whatever else they grew. If someone else lost a job and was struggling there was always enough in our grocery budget to make sure there was a bag of groceries to be dropped off at their home so they wouldn't go without. It was like that then.

Now, I know only two of my neighbors and I'm related to one of them! Across the street from my house I see people come and go but I have no idea who they are or what they do. If I say hello or good morning they don't respond. They rush off to their cars and they're on their way. People are suspiscious these days and, I think, that makes us less happy. Overall in the US I think there is a feeling of underlying fear that keeps us at a distance. I'm not sure that feeling is rooted in anything remotely real though and that's the sad part. I believe the media has sensationalized those times when someone has done something horrible to someone else and villainized/monsterfied the idea that "bad guys" are everywhere. We have slowly taken it inside us, subtly, and it has affected our lives and our ability to be happy. We can't have a "gross national happiness" when we don't seek to know each other because we are afarid. And because we are afraid, we hold onto what we have so that no one can take it from us rather than understand that what we have is best used when we share it. We live in a place that believes "I got mine!" is all that will make us happy. And we are wrong.

In Sweden, there is a word - "lagom". No one has been able to really define this word for me since there isn't an English counterpart to help me understand. From what I get, lagom means "there is enough" or "it is enough" but it doesn't really refer to things in particular. It is more like this - if we have meatballs, two meatballs is the same as ten meatballs because two will allow us to savor and enjoy the meatballs and ten would be overkill. Okay, that's a very bad example! Haha! Let me try this - if I need a table, four legs and a solid plank is just as good as something hand carved and garishly decorated because it still serves the purpose for which it was intended. Ugh! It's terribly hard to explain! Mostly, it is a way of accepting what we have and acknowledging that it is good and plenty and doesn't have to be more than the next guy. It's the idea that self satisfaction doesn't come at the expense of the other guy but rather is the result of knowing that what you have isn't worth anything unless the "other guy" also has some satisfaction.

When I read the blogs of those internet friends who live in other parts of the world I am fascinated by the photos of the happy faces of people living in ways that, by US standards, would be considered substandard. They exist in their worlds reaching out to one another, making sure all are well and have enough. Yes, there is unrest in those parts of the world too but, overwhelmingly, the people themselves take care of each other.

The whole point of my long diatribe (and thank you if you've read this far...you are very patient) is that I am coming to the understanding in my own life that, though there are things I want and need to change, and though there are goals and dreams I have yet to fulfill, I have enough. I have enough and there is still some left over that I can share with others. As I drove to work today along the shorline of a clear as glass Lake Michigan, the sun just rising, the warm breeze blowing, I realized - I am happy. And I wish that for everyone.

My Crossroads...

From my haven of fantastic
ballerina, fireman,
The world was covered
in rainbow gauze and smiles.

In flicker of sepia film
running with the happy pack
it's hard to see the moment
of the straw that broke my camel's back.

Though I spent sometime in filter
sifting garbage through my screen
allowing only harmless features
to penetrate my field.

I'm sitting at the crossroads
where my present meets my past
high definition vision
brings me clarity at last.

So now the world's my oyster
with a pearl the size of love
bigger than the universe
imagined it to be.

So this time is now my token
on this route to happiness
ride into unknown tomorrows
I'm expecting nothing less.

A hopeful moment...

Sometimes when you're just sitting around trying to figure out what to do to break the boredom, something comes along by surprise.

I got an email from Brady aka DeadraveN. He did a final mix of a song by our band Wilhemina Murray's Revenge that has been in the works for the better part of a year. We generally take a long time to get a song out there but this one was breaking the record for the wait. Originally, Joel (saetan) was going to mix this one but he got bogged down in school so it sat. Brady ran through a couple of horrendous computer crashes and finally got one that seems to be working so he took the song on and got it down.

Getting that file was just the thing I needed to perk me up. I love the song we did and I'm really happy that this one is finally out there for people to hear.

You can hear it by clicking on the link on the left if you want. All I know is I'm happy and actually feel like starting on something new! Go figure!

Okay, I'm better now....

I think I'm over my initial melancholy at the emptiness I was feeling yesterday when Alex left. There is still that emptiness but I also feel very happy, deep inside, and that makes all the difference in the world.

Though his stay here was short - just two weeks - it was good and felt like it should. That sounds funny, I know, but I just mean that it was very clear that we are to be together and that makes it all so good. So, even though I miss him terribly, I am also one happy girl! I'll deal with the distance for now. We'll fix that when the time is right. And that's really all I have to say about that!

So, on with the new year! Let's make it a good one! Let's not dwell on what we cannot have but rather on those things we will never, ever lose. Because at the end of the day, that is what is the most important of all, isn't it?