Looking ahead whilst looking back...

I sat down at my laptop the other day to write down a story about a memory that I wanted to be sure I didn't forget and suddenly I had ten pages of my life written down. I don't know if anyone else would find it interesting or even mildly amusing but it's been very cathartic to write it. Who knows? Maybe if I ever get it completed I will self publish it and see what happens. In looking back at some of the strange and funny and even usual stuff that I've been through, I started to really appreciate where I am now and looking forward to where I want to be. I have some big plans for my future, the least of which is moving to a whole other country to live. It's no secret that I want to live in Sweden. I can't explain my love of Sweden since I am not Swedish at all. My roots are Polish and Irish and, while I want to see those countries too, I know that I really want to live in Sweden. There is a sensibility and honesty in Sweden that I haven't felt anywhere else. They live simply but do it well with great dignity and a quiet pride in their heritage. Yet, in spite of their deep history, they are the most forward thinking people I know. I am in love with the way they incorporate their modern ways, simple, useful design and clean lines with the historic old ways. New buildings that blow my mind live right next to old, ancient buildings that are still in use and the whole city landscape is breath taking. They also love and appreciate nature in a way that is amazing. Green spaces thrive within city limits and, sometimes, within the buildings themselves. Swedes revel in the spring and summer because the winters there are long and dark. Sunshine is greeted by people taking to the streets and congregating in city centers to soak it up. And the city centers are clean and kept that way. The first time I went to Sweden I felt instantly at home. I felt a part of it and I'm not even sure why! I just did and I want more of it. So much more that I want to live there. I have spent hours looking at apartment for rent sites on line and perusing Swedish home goods and furnishings. I will be ready when the time comes. Of course, looking back on my life, I know I have a great family here and, when I move, I will miss them all dearly and probably call them all the time. But they have their own families here and I know our bond will not diminish just because I am over the pond. I've spent almost my entire life in this one place, this one spot. I just realized I've worked at the same place for the past 19 years! I never would have imagined that I would do that. Inside of me is a person that longs to be among other cultures and new people and I've decided that the last part of my life will be spent in Sweden. It helps that I have Alexander. I know he longs to return to Sweden too and we're working towards that goal little by little. We'll get there. We know that. The funny thing is that, in some ways, I am almost more Swedish than he is! Oh sure, he's from there and all but I am constantly seeking out more information on Sweden. I think he thinks I'm a bit crazy! One person I know that would be completely behind my wanting to move abroad would have been my Dad. He was always wishing he could have travelled and he never got the chance. If he were here he would tell me to go for it! And it's his spirit that I inherited. Yes, my life has been great and is great right now but like I said - I have big plans and my life is going to get so much better!!

Get over it already!!

So, the holidays have come and gone. Mine were good. Really they were. But, I was in a funk for most of it and I have no reason in the world to be in a funk. Let's take note here...my holidays included:

Being with all of the family.
Great food.
Laughter.
Singing carols.
So many amazing gifts.
Quiet time.
A great husband who loves me so much and whom I love so much.
Drinks!
Seeing old friends.

So...why have I been in this funk?

Because I'm a selfish immature child, that's why. You see, for my whole entire life my Christmas has been the same. The same food, the same people, the same time, the same place. This year, I got the same people, the same food, but the time and place were wrong and I got held up in that thought and it just made me push all that is good and right with the holidays to the back and brood like a baby. To myself I say GET OVER IT ALREADY!

There are people, very close to me, who do not have this in their lives and I was sitting here feeling sorry for myself. What a ninny! I have so much. So much more than most people have or will ever have and I am grateful for all of it.

I will, from this day forward, never forget how lucky I am. The next time I start feeling sorry for myself, someone just kick me...HARD!

I know, in my heart, that life is what happens when you're not looking. It's the quiet moments that matter...those times that sneak up on you and make you stop in your tracks to work to hear them. They're easy to miss. We have to work at it. But that's what makes them so worth it.

Into the New Year I plow! Forward! Upwards! Onwards! With only a little bit of looking back.

Back to work...almost

I'm back to work for a couple of days before having the rest of the year off. It's so damn quiet in this office. That combined with the fact that there's almost no heat on in here has made me very, very sleepy. I think if I could put my head down right now I'd be sound asleep. I'm trying to hold out until I get home. There is a nap in my future.

So next week my new job begins. I have only the vaguest idea of what it is I'll be doing. When I come in next week, I'm hoping someone will be able to point me in the right direction and tell me how to proceed. We'll see. Maybe I should be panicking about it. I don't know...I'm just not all that enthusiastic about this new one. It will be what it will be and I'll accept whatever it is. I'm feeling a bit "temporary" about the whole situation. It's going to be a new year and I'm going to be concentrating my thoughts and efforts on figuring out a way to move to Sweden. So, I'll bide my time with the new job until then. At least it pays well and has a pretty good benefit package...I can't complain.

And so it is finished...

Usually, when I get to work at 7am, I am quickly followed by Margaret and Kathy. Today I was the only person here. My staff is gone. They've moved on to their new positions with the other agency. It sure is quiet in here. The cubicles are bare. Many of them have been stripped of their computers and desk supplies. I've emptied my email inbox. For the first time in three years, I have absolutely no email in there!

So, now I am on to a new career journey. For the next three months I'll be writing program procedures for our agency's newest program. Come January, I'll be delving more deeply into the world of services for people with mental illness and alcohol and other drug addiction. I'll be co-supervising this new program, teaching a new batch of case managers and nurses to work as teams to provide quality mental health services in a community setting. I'll even have a small case load of my own for the first time in almost seven years! And, to tell you the truth, I'm excited!

I will miss my old staff. I'd worked with some of them for many years and there were tears shed yesterday as we all said good bye but the future looks bright on both the professional and personal front for me. I love where I work and appreciate that they appreciate what I can do and have made it possible for me to stay right here where I belong.

I sense all good things on the horizon!