Making plans...

I like making plans. Sometimes they come to fruition, sometimes not. For instance, later this year we are planning to travel to Sweden to help my papa-in-law celebrate his birthday. I'm fairly certain that is a plan that will come to fruition. Now that my knee is healing and I'm walking somewhat normally again I'm pretty sure I'll be able to navigate an airport come October. Lately though, Alex and I have been talking about bigger plans. We've been tossing around the idea of buying a house or a condo. It's something that's been on our minds for a while now and certainly something we can do if we set our minds to it.

The difference this time is, I think, we have seen our way through one major purchase thus far - a new car. We got it financed and have been paying it off. Alex, being so frugal, has been able to pay it off much faster than we ever anticipated too which is great! And I think that's made us realize that we can move forward on getting our own place. Not that we don't love our little apartment. We do. But it's little. And not entirely ours. We need some more room.

Ideally, we would like two bedrooms. One for us and one for guests that could also be used for our studio. A nice kitchen is a plus. And we realized after looking around that we love our current location so we really don't want to stray too far from the neighborhood we're currently in. So, we are making plans! I like planning. It makes me happy to look forward and have dreams. There's just something happy about that.

And happiness is where it's at!

Summer heat....

I can't believe that it's already the middle of July! It seems that we here in Wisconsin spend all winter waiting and hoping and praying for warmer weather and once it comes - it goes so quickly! I love summer and all that it brings. Living so close to Lake Michigan, there is a certain fresh smell in my neighborhood brought about by lake water, freshly mowed grass, people grilling out, and sunscreen. These are the smells of summer to me!

So far this summer, we've celebrated the solstice with our traditional Swedish midsommar party. We watched our city's Veteran's Parade (though don't get me started...this year's parade was not something to be desired...) and we had our annual July Fourth shindig ending with a spectacular fireworks show. I've only been swimming twice though which is something of a thorn because though it's been warm this week, last week it was still a wee bit chilly and we've had quite a lot of rain.

I had last week off from work. Paid vacation days are great, especially when I don't really go anywhere! Just staying home, doing what I want and getting paid. Awesome! Next year though, my sisters, Alex and I are planning to go up to a cabin in Hayward, WI. It's the place my family has gone to for years and I'm looking forward to introducing Alex to the great northern Wisconsin forests. Maybe we'll even see some bears!

There's one other thing that will happen this summer. I have to lose some weight. Since it's warm and I can get out to walk or swim, there is really no excuse for me to be so sedentary. I have to do it. I've already been revising our usual menu and making smaller portions. So that's good. I'm not going to cut out the things I love because I know that will never work for me but I will take them in moderation and sparingly. I can enjoy them just not in gargantuan portions! I will do this for me.

Since it's mid-July, I better get a move on! Summer goes way too quickly when you're a grown up. I remember as a kid, summer vacation seemed to drag on and on. I couldn't wait for it to start because there would be no school but by mid-August I was more than ready to go back. Now I wish these lazy hazy days could go on forever. With pay! :)

Looking ahead whilst looking back...

I sat down at my laptop the other day to write down a story about a memory that I wanted to be sure I didn't forget and suddenly I had ten pages of my life written down. I don't know if anyone else would find it interesting or even mildly amusing but it's been very cathartic to write it. Who knows? Maybe if I ever get it completed I will self publish it and see what happens. In looking back at some of the strange and funny and even usual stuff that I've been through, I started to really appreciate where I am now and looking forward to where I want to be. I have some big plans for my future, the least of which is moving to a whole other country to live. It's no secret that I want to live in Sweden. I can't explain my love of Sweden since I am not Swedish at all. My roots are Polish and Irish and, while I want to see those countries too, I know that I really want to live in Sweden. There is a sensibility and honesty in Sweden that I haven't felt anywhere else. They live simply but do it well with great dignity and a quiet pride in their heritage. Yet, in spite of their deep history, they are the most forward thinking people I know. I am in love with the way they incorporate their modern ways, simple, useful design and clean lines with the historic old ways. New buildings that blow my mind live right next to old, ancient buildings that are still in use and the whole city landscape is breath taking. They also love and appreciate nature in a way that is amazing. Green spaces thrive within city limits and, sometimes, within the buildings themselves. Swedes revel in the spring and summer because the winters there are long and dark. Sunshine is greeted by people taking to the streets and congregating in city centers to soak it up. And the city centers are clean and kept that way. The first time I went to Sweden I felt instantly at home. I felt a part of it and I'm not even sure why! I just did and I want more of it. So much more that I want to live there. I have spent hours looking at apartment for rent sites on line and perusing Swedish home goods and furnishings. I will be ready when the time comes. Of course, looking back on my life, I know I have a great family here and, when I move, I will miss them all dearly and probably call them all the time. But they have their own families here and I know our bond will not diminish just because I am over the pond. I've spent almost my entire life in this one place, this one spot. I just realized I've worked at the same place for the past 19 years! I never would have imagined that I would do that. Inside of me is a person that longs to be among other cultures and new people and I've decided that the last part of my life will be spent in Sweden. It helps that I have Alexander. I know he longs to return to Sweden too and we're working towards that goal little by little. We'll get there. We know that. The funny thing is that, in some ways, I am almost more Swedish than he is! Oh sure, he's from there and all but I am constantly seeking out more information on Sweden. I think he thinks I'm a bit crazy! One person I know that would be completely behind my wanting to move abroad would have been my Dad. He was always wishing he could have travelled and he never got the chance. If he were here he would tell me to go for it! And it's his spirit that I inherited. Yes, my life has been great and is great right now but like I said - I have big plans and my life is going to get so much better!!

Revisiting reality...

Over my life, I've come to realize that no matter what we plan for ourselves, life often has made other plans for us. For the past year or so, I've sort of had this plan/dream that one day I would be moving to and living permanently in Sweden. I've looked on-line at possible locations, apartments, homes and whatnot. I've explored various cities and towns to see what life would be like when I was there. Of course, my exploration was limited to what I could find on the Internet or could glean from talking to my Swedish friends and family.

I still have that dream and, honestly, truly believe that one day, Alexander and I, will get there. But lat week, another possibly scenario presented itself. As we were driving through downtown Kenosha, Alex asked me about a tall, apartment complex there. It is a rent controlled complex for Senior Citizens. When I explained what it was he said, "My dad could live there if he moved here."

In my desire to move to Sweden, I often thought about there being a time when Alex's father was not able to take care of himself and how I would easily make the decision to be there to take care of him with Alex if necessary. I never thought about the possibility of him moving here to the US. But the more I've thought about it, now that the seed has been planted, the more I think it would easy to make that decision as well. Because for me, no matter the plan, no matter which way the plane flies, at the end of the day, it is family that matters. And I know I will go where my family, either immediate or by marriage, needs me.

(But, I'm not giving up on moving to Sweden just yet!)

The countdown...

Alexander arrives in the US this Sunday. ALEXANDER ARRIVES IN THE US THIS SUNDAY!!! Yes, I am more than excited. I have so much to do and so little time. He's shipped his things yesterday and there are all of the last minute preps to take care of. It seems like this has been a long time coming but I know we're both super excited to finally get to this time in our lives. At last!!

(You can't see me but I'm doing my happy dance right now! :D )

Moving to Sweden....

So it's no secret that Alexander and I have a lifetime goal of eventually moving to Sweden to live and work. It's funny how this whole thing started out and the road we ended up taking to be together. It would seem the easiest way to get to Sweden would be for me to move there with him but, alas, finances, work, and personal business made us take a slightly different route. He is coming here to the US and then next year we will move there. The larger goal of being together was far more important that the ultimate goal of living in Sweden so we do what we must.

I don't mean to make that sound so formal! Actually, the two of us are quite excited and thrilled for what the next month or two will hold for us!

Still, Sweden is the goal. I've been spending time pouring over expat websites to see how this is all done. For me, getting a job in Sweden may be very difficult. Even though I will register there with the employment bureau everything I've read says the only way to actually get work is to know someone who is already working there. Contacts are key! I've made quite a few Swedish contacts over the past four years but I don't know if any of them would have a job for me when I move there! We'll see. I'm excited at the idea of looking for work there.

I'm also excited about setting up a home there. I even dream about this once in a while. Moving into a new place, getting it together and then making it our own! I hate moving as a rule but I think it will be a grand adventure. And the most important part is Alex and I will be taking this trip together. And that's very exciting indeed!

Dreams of projects yet to come...

Last night, as a tried to fall asleep, I started thinking about how to reconfigure/redecorate this place to make room for Alexander's stuff and make this apartment more like a home. As it is, it's more of a place for stuff and more stuff that's placed about with reckless abandon. I think I've decided to start with the living room and, in particular, the computer area. Right now the computer is sitting on an antique table given to me by my mom. That needs to make it's way into the kitchen so I'll be on the look out for a new computer desk. Anyway, however this works out it's been on my mind. I think I even dreamt I carried the sofa out to the yard myself. Weird.

Another home project is the flooring in this place. The guy who lived here before me had a late night incident that resulted in his carpeting the entire place. He came home drunk, decided to take a bath, let the water run, passed out on his sofa and flooded the entire apartment. So he replaced all the flooring with carpet. I now have carpet in the bathroom (yuck), kitchen (double yuck) and living room and bedroom. I hate it! Impossible to clean and I've been through more vacuum cleaners than I care to mention. I would love to tear it all up and replace it but that's a long term plan. It will cost me so that just has to wait.

Then I want to paint the walls, replace the windows, redo the trim... ack! too many to count! And this isn't even going to be our permanent place!!

Planning in an uncertain times...

It's strange how in just a couple of weeks my life and my outlook on life has changed so dramatically. All that's been happening with my sister has had a very profound effect on me. I decided to reward myself with a mental break on Friday and spent the weekend moving stuff around in my apartment to make way for Alex. Even though the future is very grey in some aspects, it is also still our future and what ever comes we have to make it what we want it to be.

So, that's where I'm at these days. More later...

Some days it's just like this...

The last part of this week has been very strange for me. I've been stuck somewhere in the crossroads of emotions and normalcy. Or maybe that is normal...who knows...

I know why I feel this way. In four days, Alex will be leaving, returning to Sweden and it's back to the day to day shit again. Even though I feel we've grown even closer as we do each time we're together, I don't feel like we're any closer to making the permanent move happen. Maybe it's that I just want it to happen so badly that any amount of time it will take is too much. Maybe we just really haven't spent the kind of time that may be necessary in getting the plan together in a way that is sound. Maybe it's all just that I know he'll be gone in four days and I'm going to miss him like crazy and be sad for a long time.

It's so hard to go back to talking by phone and seeing one another on webcam every so often. Funny how that used to be so great and now it's just another reminder of how much distance there is between us. I want to be able to enjoy the next four days and not start crying all the time but every time I think about this, I tear up. I can't help it. There is just so much standing in the way of the future and sometimes it all seems so impossible.

"But I'll missss yooooooooo...."

I told my family of the plans Alex and I have which include, someday, me moving to Sweden to live. Now there's a ton of things that have to happen before the move can happen so the actual moving date is not even really close. Most of my family met my information with silence. I'm familiar with this silence. It's the silence that comes because I know they have a million and a half questions, twice as many opinions, and they are afraid to come out and ask anything just yet. It's a pattern they have and I just chalk it up to their needing to digest it all before talking about it. Except for my sister Terry...

Terry is the one sister I am probably closest too. I live upstairs from her, for one thing, so I see and talk to her everyday. She's spent far more time with Alex when he's here too so she knows him better and she's one of those people who really love other people and always wants to know more about them. Friday as we were coming home from my Mom's she blurted out "I don't want you to move." When I asked her why she said "Because I'll missss yooooo..."

Of course I will miss them all too but, that aside, I have never wanted anything more in my life. I've spent a good deal of my life doing things the way my family has wanted them to be, which was okay, but not always the way I would have chosen to do things. My family is fairly typical in that they just want to make sure that everyone is safe and going to be okay but they have made it so the only way they can be sure of that is to become almost unadventurous or curious about life, the world and other people. For example, my niece had an opportunity to go live and study in Ireland for a year. It was a great chance for her to see how other people live, to meet them on their turf, and open up her mind. It was a gift that was handed to her - all expenses paid and money to live on while she was there. Her family poo-pooed the idea as too dangerous because there was so much they themselves didn't know about where she would be going and who she would be with. So she didn't take the chance. Instead of encouraging her to break the borders of her small world, they scared her into thinking that anything outside of it was just plain scary and bad. I find that very sad.

My family's pattern is this - grow up, get educated, get a job, get married, stay here. They've all done it which is why they've always seen me as some kind of a rebel just because I happened to live in Chicago for a few years. I came back and followed their way for far too long. It damn near killed me. I have one niece who went her own way. Move to Virginia, had a baby on her own, bought a house, laid down her roots there in her own way...and they just don't know what to make of her! So, my plans to move to another country is probably making them crap themselves right now!

Terry has since (yes, since Friday!) talked about Alex and my plan and she does know why I want this and, deep down, she is excited for us. I think that if she could, she would have made the choice to do something like this long ago. Yet, each time we talk about it she ends the conversation with "But I'll missss yooooooo...." And you know what? That makes me feel good, in a way. Because I'll miss her too. I'll miss them all. But I know something they don't. I know the world is not that big a place anymore. I know that in just 8 hours I can be back or they can be there. I know that we can talk everyday if we want to and I know that this is the best thing that's ever happened to me.